Musing some, about Forgiveness

Hi Folks in CZ Land,

Last night I was pondering various people in my life, little remarks they make and little slip-ups in their thoughtfulness and all, and realized that so many daily interactions leave me hurt and worn down. Also realized that a lot of this feeling is from big big past interactions, resulting in a kind of emotional heat-rash that leaves me all uncomfortable and chafed today, thus more easily hurt and worn down, on and on. It shook me up, seeing that to me, interactions = getting hurt and worn down and tired, even when nice people have helpful intentions. Suddenly I saw myself like a paramecium in a water drop under a microscope in a bright light; bumping against the sides of this diminishing water drop faster and faster, caught in this cycle.

Eek!

Just for the record, I don't know what forgiveness FEELS like.
People say "You have to forgive! Just let it go goddamnit!"
And ok, fine, no argument.
But, uh, how does it feel?
That is, after being hurt I can concoct 1,000 sympathetic reasons why I must have attracted this and why Spike couldn't help what he did to me because he had a deprived childhood or whatever. Time and safety and distance do make the pain numb after a while especially if I can arrange never to see Spike again, but... what is forgiveness about anyway? How does it feel to release something through forgiveness? Is it like a liberated gall stone? Must be nice.

So getting into bed I found this prayer coming to mind, to at least be given the gift of letting forgiveness work through me, even if I don't know how to actually do it. This morning I tried writing a little affirmation. On fancy paper in sparkly gold and silver ink. Here it is:

Forgiveness is mine.
Forgiveness is here.
Forgiveness is now.
Forgiveness is ample and continual, like water in the pipes below this house.
Forgiveness grows like the magic of compounded interest in the bank.
Forgiveness works even when I do not work it.
Forgiveness is a dish that's good even eaten cold.
And so it is!

Tryin,'
A
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