Hi Autumn,

It's the female side that forgives. That may help you understand what's going on a little better. Male side of our personalities is about hunting and gathering, about survival of our families and making sure our genes stay in the gene pool; it's about warriors in us.
Female side is all about deep, honest, not contaminated by reason - feelings, and feeling.

A comparison of the two:

If a someone bumped into you on the street, your male side is already drawing mental swords and ready to "kill". If it comes out that bump was accidental, male side figures "That person made a mistake, luckily it was not on purpose, so we can go our ways; but I should probably be more carefull just in case next time someone tries to hurt me."
Female side feels like this:
"Oh, what a bloody idiot! I HAVE to see his ugly face... Oh my God, the person is blind... how terrible, and here I was all angry at him... poor guy has more problems then just not bumping into people on a busy street... besides I never really payed attention to his white stick. I can only imagine how would it be if I was totaly blind and had to deal with egotistic individuals who just rush blindly even though they CAN see..."

It's about empathy. It's about putting yourself in that person's shoes and seeing things and FEELING things from his perspective, even if it's distorted. And imagining what it would take to have a person come up to that stage or that situation. Even if we were to learn of some serial killer, we can try and imagine what type of childhood that person had to become what they became. I usually tend to get this right. I see a bully, and I immediately see his father, huge and drunk, beating the crap out of his little son, just because he can. And yelling, and screaming, and little boy deciding "never again" and thinking that the best way not to be put down is to put down others (as no one ever put his father down!)... and become a bully. And then I find it easy to forgive. My troubles with him are nothing compared to his own troubles!
If done trully with all one's heart, the most important realization comes: that if we grew up in those same sircumstances, and had all the same influences, no one could swear that we wouldn't be exactly the same person, doing exactly those same things. If we were blind, we would be bumping into people on the street. And then you realize that that person has more problems then what you thought... beyond whatever hurt you had to suffer in their hands because of their shortcomings.
Then you remember that you too probably have similar problems. And just as a blind person cannot see that they are blind, most of us cannot see our blind spots. And all at once, the sentence from the Bible "Why do you observe the splinter in your brother's eye and never notice the log in our own?" makes sense, and makes you very humble.
And that makes it even easier to forgive. Only fools think that they've never hurt anyone, the way others have hurt them. Just as what others do to us seems perfectly OK to them, so things we do seem perfectly OK to us, but hurt others badly.

But before all that, make sure you stop in your tracks, remember those feelings from when you were hurt, and cry them out. The further back in the past they are (like from the childhood), the more powerfull they are, and more important also. Let that female in you come out through asking yourself "How do I FEEL about that?" and expressing that feeling - it may come out as anger at first, but if you let yourself express that anger physically (like hitting a pillow), the true sadness will follow. When that happens, cry it out all you can, and let that beautiful woman start breathing again! It is OK to let you feelings out!

Autumn,
How DOES forgiveness feel? Hmmm, I'm going to put some thought into that one. To make you smile, tho, I wanted to say, it puts some 'spring' into your step.

Carolyn Myss quote, "Forgiving others is the most selfish thing you will ever do'.
Point being--it is SO good for yourself.

But, your question. How does it feel? Ah, I have a poem about that. It's just about feeling in tune and wonderful in general....let me quote a bit of my own poem...(yea, if I can find it among the clutter....tee hee )
What is it I want?
What am I looking for?

Freedom.
I felt free once:
Like every chain
that had ever held me down
was gone.
I had no fear, no worries.
They were replaced by faith and peace.

‘SHOULD’s were gone.
‘Ought to’s’ were banished;
Expectations of others had
evaporated away.
I felt free from anger
and ugliness.
My heart felt warm
and tender.
Judgments of others
had melted away,
replaced by acceptance
and genuine caring.

(skipping)
I felt like I’d fallen in step
with the earth around me,
and there was flow…

I flowed with people—
not pushing nor pulling them
moving with them;
not against them.

(another skip)
I enjoyed the present moment
and put the past and the future
in their place;
and by living in the now,
the past and the future become friends
and ceased to be my enemy.

I felt lightened,
like the cares of the world
were taken off my shoulders,
and that my own burdens
would now be made light—

That's what forgiveness feels like. And as I cut and pasted this, I realized a big part of that forgiveness is not just forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves for our imperfections.

The poem goes on to say...I want it back, I want to feel this way again.

It is ongoing....I've forgiven before, and then 'taken the burden back'.
give it up, let it go. You and I will feel so much lighter and freer and less bound when we have forgiven. Eventually we will be so full of 'charity' that we won't be quick to take offense...it will roll off us, because we will be so free and sure of our own divinity.
Easier said than done.
love ya,
pj

Hi Autumn, I always love your posts. I also wanted to slip in that I got the book by Martha Beck that you recommended and loved it. She is not only insightful, but has a gifted sense of humour.
I have found on my journey in this ever changing, evolving adventure called life that forgiveness for me is a process really. I read through many of the responses, and could see some truth shed in them, although some did not hold for me.(But that is how we gain things out of life, we take what works for us!)
I will share a personal experience, . I had an unthinkable act commited against me by someone I knew and trusted. Filled with rage and anger, I wanted to kill this person! I mean I was driven to that! I was so angry, I wanted them to suffer as I did. I relived the nightmare for years. I played the scenario in my mind for years. I hated with a vengance.
The pain was so deeply entrenched and ingrained. I wrote hate letters I never sent, I hated and hated, and was trapped in my anger. Many years went by and suddenly I realized something, I wasn't stuck in that spot anymore. I ran into the person again years down the road, and I actually felt a sense of compassion. My life was so different.
I realized something about forgiveness then for me. I once went to a therapist who told me "You have to forgive your Mom" at our second session. Well great, but forgiveness has to happen when I am ready. . I have forgiven Mom, but what I learned in my experience is that it is okay to be mad too. It is okay to feel betrayed, angry, slighted, and in my experience that was part of the process that led to forgiveness. I had to feel all the things that I really felt in order to let go and forgive. What I really felt was hurt, annoyed, angry,cheated,abused. I had to sort of make it through that and let that be okay.
Forgiveness to me never "felt" like a feeling, more like feelings I had let go of. It was when I realized what I really felt, and in my own time no longer needed to feel anymore that I started to feel free. In my opinion I think we sometimes get stuck in not forgiving because we think it is not okay to feel the opposite feelings, the anger,the hurt, the negatives. But I think to heal we need all of them. Forgiveness may work different for others, but this is how I have learned to forgive, and free myself from people and situations that I have kept my self trapped in.
I wish you well,
Mysti

I find that it is important to release the anger and then forgive.
Depends on the desired effect