Thanks Gala

Thanks Gala. I wanted to think this over before responding to you - sorry for the delay.

I've been thinking of these issues and want to make sure that I am clear with myself as to my expectations of my father, and your post helped me clear things up a bit. I'm not wanting of "love" from my father, and am not complaining that he did not love me enough while I grew up. Whether he did or not is questionable because I honestly don't know either way - but that is really irrelevant to my point. Being a responsible parent and loving the child are two totally seperate things. Whether he loved me or not, I believe he owed me a *duty* as an adult to go beyond his hands off approach and teach me some of the basics in life that would have given me more of a chance in life. I am especially speaking of when I was very young and just developing.

I'm not talking feel-good self-esteem or love here -I'm talking about learning life skills or viewing opinions from my father's point of view. He could have given me his opinions and then told me that it was ultimately up to me to decide on my own. Heck, tell me SOMETHING... pass down SOMETHING to use or consider... Thank god I'm not a Kalahari Bushman because my dad wouldn't have taught me how to fend off the lions.

My point is reflective in something my father said recently at a family gathering. My sister asked my parents why they never warned us kids about drugs when we were growing up. My father said that he never had to because us kids never developed problems with drugs. So he waits until after we are stung out on drugs to give us the drugs talk? And I don't believe in blaming childhood rebellion for not teaching kids out of fear they will just do the opposite of what the parent teaches them. That's just a cop out and an excuse for not raising the kid - that's telling the kid he needs to raise himself. There's more to raising a kid than providing food shelter and clothing. There's more to raising a child than telling him he is loved.

I'm not talking about unreasonable requests of any parent. A talk once a week to teach one's own child life skills (again I'm not talking self-esteem issues or love issues here). I don't believe in doing nothing and dismissing it as "letting the kid learn from life", or letting them figure everything out on their own and hoping they chance upon the right path in life.

I really appreciate your response Gala. I look at my issues with my father and how profoundly childhood affects adulthood - something as simple as a five minute talk once a week 25 years ago - a little bit of guidance - would have been worth a million times more than a pool and a big back yard to play in.

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Thanks Gala. I wanted to think this over before responding to you - sorry for the delay.

I've been thinking of these issues and want to make sure that I am clear with myself as to my expectations of my father, and your post helped me clear things up a bit. I'm not wanting of "love" from my father, and am not complaining that he did not love me enough while I grew up. Whether he did or not is questionable because I honestly don't know either way - but that is really irrelevant to my point. Being a responsible parent and loving the child are two totally seperate things. Whether he loved me or not, I believe he owed me a *duty* as an adult to go beyond his hands off approach and teach me some of the basics in life that would have given me more of a chance in life. I am especially speaking of when I was very young and just developing.

I'm not talking feel-good self-esteem or love here -I'm talking about learning life skills or viewing opinions from my father's point of view. He could have given me his opinions and then told me that it was ultimately up to me to decide on my own. Heck, tell me SOMETHING... pass down SOMETHING to use or consider... Thank god I'm not a Kalahari Bushman because my dad wouldn't have taught me how to fend off the lions.

My point is reflective in something my father said recently at a family gathering. My sister asked my parents why they never warned us kids about drugs when we were growing up. My father said that he never had to because us kids never developed problems with drugs. So he waits until after we are stung out on drugs to give us the drugs talk? And I don't believe in blaming childhood rebellion for not teaching kids out of fear they will just do the opposite of what the parent teaches them. That's just a cop out and an excuse for not raising the kid - that's telling the kid he needs to raise himself. There's more to raising a kid than providing food shelter and clothing.

I'm not talking about unreasonable requests of any parent. A talk once a week to teach one's own child life skills (again I'm not talking self-esteem issues or love issues here). I don't believe in doing nothing and dismissing it as "letting the kid learn from life", or letting them figure everything out on their own and hoping they chance upon the right path in life.

I really appreciate your response Gala. I look at my issues with my father and how profoundly childhood affects adulthood - something as simple as a five minute talk once a week 25 years ago - a little bit of guidance - would have been worth a million times more than a pool and a big back yard to play in.