Re: returning to practice after a long absence...

You know, I have thought about it, and I think a yoga buddy is a great idea. Posting to this site had the same impetus--in addition to enabling me to verbalize my feelings (many I was embarrased to actually speak about), it has also served as a sort of written contract with myself. It also really helps to remind me of why practicing is a joy, not something to fear. I will absolutely look for a buddy, I think it could help a lot.

James and 9thbody, I really appreciate both of your responses. To be honest, James, when I first read your response, I felt a bit misunderstood, and even a little hurt. Part of why I wrote was to express what I called my "irrational anger"--which includes the sense of betrayal I felt towards yoga. I called it "irrational" because I know that yoga is neither my enemy nor my savior--it is a tool. I just wanted to be clear about that--I don't accept my anger or sense of betrayal as being just or right, by any means. But I do think that the anger is part of my road to acceptance of my disease, and experiencing it (and letting it go) is vital to my future ability to cope. It is just something I needed to express somewhere. Thus the anonymous forum. I wouldn't have become a teacher if I compared myself to my classmates or focused solely on the physical aspects of the practice (and my ineptness with many of them!). When I looked at your response more thoughtfully, though, I saw that we just come from different places, and as I got past my superficial emotional response, the last section of your comments really did have resonance. I loved that you emphasized the lasting effect of any spiritual work. It is something I struggle to remind myself of every day, and it is definitely my work to focus on that, rather than what I perceive to have "lost." As for being less serious, I'm sure that would help me! I wish I knew how to change that--"lighten up" is a suggestion I have encountered fairly constantly since my childhood.

9thbody, what can I say but that I think we have a lot in common. Most of all, it was really encouraging to me that you both agreed that I am on the road to recovery! I believe it too (somewhat hesitantly, at the moment), but I can't tell you how nice it is to hear it from two people who have only read my darkest and pettiest thoughts. I thank you so much for that, as well as for your advice.