Urinary frequency - anxiety or something more? (Sorry its so long...)

Two years ago I started to notice that I felt like I needed to urinate more often than usual. It started with a situation in a car where I thought I was going to have an embarrasing accident in front of some of my friends but I never did because I managed to get myself out of it by pretending I needed to be sick, stopping the car and running off into the woods...

After this panic which really shook me up and maybe 2 or 3 more, I started to need the toilet every five minutes when I was in an unfamiliar situation, but each time, I could only pass a small amount of urine. These feelings progressed to being present in every situation other than my own house in which I seemed to be normal. I also find that every time I need the loo, I make an excuse however stupid it may be because I don't want people to think i'm wierd or something.

I went to the doctors for numerous tests which all came back negative and was then referred to a urologist. I had numerous tests done there as well with negative results for them all. As a result of this I became scared to go to the doctors as I didn't want to hear that everything was fine when it quite blatantly wasn't so I stopped seeing them both.

In the time I was with the urologist I was prescribed a drug which was used to reduce the risk of infection but I became sort of addicted to it in a way as, even though I knew that it wouldn't and wasn't supposed to cure my condition, I convinced myself that it was helping and if I didn't take it I would be worse for a few days. The same thing happened when I tried accupuncture and chinese herbs. I am off all of these now and have just started to take anti-depressants which are supposed to help with anxiety as well but at the moment I am ok with these.

After this I tried to cope on my own because I resented doctors etc... but being in my second year of university it isn't helpful when I can only stay in a lecture for 5 minutes at a time. I am doing a music performance degree which makes it even worse because it is based on solo work so when I'm playing, all eyes are on me!

I also started to try and diagnose myself on the internet and came up with all these things which were untreatable and I think I may have convinced myself I have intersistal cystitis which is bad because I've started to get really depressed about the fact that there is no cure.

My symptoms exist everywhere I go and get worse if I go somewhere I have never been before e.g. to see my friend at her university, or travelling in a car. I have started to stay in my house instead of leading a "student lifestyle" as it is less stressful. Everytime I have to travel or go somewhere I spend ages worrying about it which makes me even worse.

I am convinced that it's all in my head as sometimes it is alright e.g. at home. My mind seems to think about it intensly from the minute I wake up until I finally fall asleep. I can't fall asleep at night easily because I wake myself up just as I am dozing off thinking that I might need the loo. It's a wierd sensation where I feel like I am out of my body, floating and suddenly I feel like I snap back into it and then I wake up panicking. I started to think that I was going to swallow my tounge in my sleep and this had the same effect on me but that has now passed as all i think about is the toilet and my bladder.

It seems like my mind concentrates on every single movement in my bladder. I know normal people don't notice the movements that happen in there but its almost like I concentrate so hard on it that I feel the urine being filtered into it! That's why I need the loo all the time. I also clock watch. If I havn't been for a while and I check how long for, I suddenly need it. I try not to drink liquids as I have convinced myself that they make me even worse. If I have a normal sized drink then I am basically imprisoning myself in the bathroom for the day.

I can feel myself thinking my way into situations. I mentally kick myself when thoughts like "I might be like this for a few days" or "I'm going to have a real problem if I do this" come in my mind as I know that just by thinking it, it is very likely to happen. It's got to the point where, even if I don't need the loo I have to go at every oppotunity as otherwise I constantly think to myself "I should have gone" and then (suprise suprise) I need it desperatley in a matter of minutes. I've tried not to think about it but it's impossible! Once something is in your head it is not going anywhere in a hurry!

I've tried setting goals for myself in which I aim to stretch the time inbetween toilet trips, i've tried talking myself out of it when i experience the feelings, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried relaxation but my mind is convinced that if I relax in public then my muscles around my bladder will fail, I've tried everything that I can think of but nothing seems to work.

Recently I visited the doctor again as the situation has become unbearable and i constantly cry and I keep thinking of suicide etc... I really feel like I have no way out. I can't live this life anymore especially since I was so active before. I'm only 20 and I already lead the life of a 90 year old. I have put on 2.5 stone since having it which is really not attractive for a girl. I was popular and funny before this, now it seems like my whole personality has changed and I am cynical and sarcastic.

I'm pushing my friends away because then they won't ask me to go out so I won't have to make up stupid excuses, my boyfriend has pretty much given up on me and my family are just getting more and more upset with me.

I could carry on moaning about it for ages as there are more symptoms but these are the main ones. I just want to be normal again.

Please can you help? I'm not even sure if it is in my mind or if I really have a problem or both. I just don't know!

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