brutality

I had a nightmare dream and in the dream I found myself boxing a man but it was as if in a video game...We would punch each other and make fantastic punches but I would feel nothing...I began to feel like I was getting the upper hand and I went bizerk puning and punching my opponent until i TWIRLED AND SLAMED MY my boxing glove and hit him so very hard...I could hear the thudding of the gloves...i could smell the salt and blood...I could hear the cheering but then...my opponent standing lay against me...his eyes flapped wide open and his life left his body...I looked into his face and realized that it was not a game and I had just killed my opponent... I keep thinking about it...I killed him because I was driven by the sounds and smell and competition...it drove me but...it was as if I went quite insane and I left my body at that point...disillusined...and I awoke.... I know that was me but who was this nodescipt man who I murdered when I could have shown restraint... Why this dream when I have not struck a human being in violence since my youth...Why...now...I am a pacifist....opposed to war but here I was caught up in the excitement of the moment... I can't help but believe my opponent literally died somewhere... in some place and time...and I did nothing to stop it...nothing...nothing in me checked my moral code...nothing...as if everything I claim to believe in could be dashed in a moment for the thrill of usurping another human being... My soul and my flesh are not meant to be married yet I am here....I long to take those punches back... my opponent....who is my opponent? Why did I not consider he had a child and why did I not see that there was his lover or wife or why did I not see how murder is so easy to do and so difficult to realize...the blank face...the paleness of his skin..the smell of shit....urine....a sudden flush of his skin....and my soul refusing to be in my skin...who was this man in my dream...why did I kill someone in cold blood? He went limp in my arms...the clock strikes nine bells...why nine why nine... what does nine bells mean? Why is this dream that I dreamt...still holding fast in my memory?