Re: Why? Why these things come back haunting me? :(

I have often noticed that the things we are most brutal and unforgiving with ourselves about, are the VERY things that end up arming the "brutes" in our lives. It is uncanny how just when you feel you have arrived at a point of true inner healing, someone, even a stranger, can manage to find that tiny seam or scar and tear right into it.

This missile-like persistance has begun to clue me into something, though...that maybe these sorts of occurences don't 'just happen' at all. They are attacks, to be sure, and because they often come from such varied people and situations yet STILL persist in circling and aiming at the same bloodied areas...

well.

It is almost as if they are not particularly random at all, isn't it?

I believe there are negative forces that would prefer this healing process is never fully realized within us. Whether you believe this is from within or without is according to your own perceptions of life, but there is definitely a piece of it that ties in directly with what we are still allowing to wound our own perception of ourselves. There is a reflective shard of glass that, if it were not mirroring something we cannot bear to look at within ourselves could not possibly be turned upon us so accurately and effectively to brutally rip us to pieces.

It has only been lately that these sorts of experiences have sort of...turned around upon themselves with me, and become more of a positive rather than a negative kind of experience. What I mean is....it is often these 'unfair' character assassinations that wake me up to the reality of how very harsh I have been with myself over the years...about things I know I was truly and humbly sorry for...forgiven for. And heck, some things that were not even really so terrible at all! Simply a growing process I went through -- ungainly, yes, like a zitty, hormonal teenager...not always so pretty to look at....but many things, most of them....innocent!

even in their blatant, hindsight ugliness.

Things that should have been put away many many years ago and never looked at again -

or if they were to be re-examined, at least with a twist of the mouth that was more affectionately exasperated than hatefully accusing.

So it has become more of a freeing process when I see it mirrored in another and aimed back at me. Sort of like...oh! Thank you. I must still have a part of me that needs to remember how very tender and true I am inside...still. And how very delicately I should be treating myself, with care and affection...acceptance...love.

It is like refocusing your eyes and seeing who you really are. That same tender little kid...wide eyed, hopeful....wanting the best. Still there...in all of us. Still worthy.

Still worthy.