now I answer one by one your comments which are indeed great:
1 While I binge, I binge on horrible stuff, and I stuff myself till I feel sick, I feel out f control
2 I feel heavy, tired and guilty and I have to purge
3 I learnt to hate all related to food and body, and love all artistic
4 true that everything in my life is out of control
5 there is no logic once binge comes, and guilt is stronger once purge comes
6 My head is exploding
Thank you anyway