Re: Relationship question

Hello,

My husband and I met in our late 30's/early 40's and we've been married 9 years. We have awesome communication and a fabulous sex-life. We even occasionally "p 0 r n surf" together for ideas to keep things fresh & new.

I also have found sites on his computer that he's checked out on his own, and several times we've discussed it...sometimes deep discussion, sometimes just 'surface' talk.
Although I'm truly convinced that he's not trying to hide anything; he's not 'addicted'; he's not trying to leave me out; he's not displeased or unsatisfied with me; and he's certainly not 'sick'...I still just don't "get it" --and I think most of the reason is simply because I'm a woman.

After discussing this all at length with him, here's what I think I've figured out with my female brain: when it comes to sex, visual turn ons, things that 'trip triggers', etc. for the most part men and women are like night and day. When we women fantasize or our mind wanders off into sex (which isn't NEARLY as often as men), we tend to lean toward in-depth steamy romance novels, 'squishy movies' and long, entailed fairytale fantasies. And when we do that, we don't find a need to tell our spouses, we just smile and keep it to ourselves. I'd say that's fairly normal & healthy from everything I've read and experienced in life.

Well, it seems that men (at least men like my husband that are balanced, open, honest and communicative about it) get the same kind of 'smile' from simple visual images and imagery (ones that we consider crass & blunt) that we get from our fairytale fantasies. And their desire to 'smile' doesn't indicate that there's anything wrong with the marriage, the union, their partner or the relationship --any more than our fantasizing about a black knight carrying us away to his castle on a white stallion does :)

The only real difference is...we can't 'clickety click' around the 'net in a few minutes and get the female equivalent - because just like sex, it takes us a lot longer to 'find the smile zone'. Sigh. For myself, I've always envied men in that regard. Sometimes it bugs me to no end that they can be ready for sex at the drop of a dime, when it takes 1/2 a day worth of planning and thinking about it for me to arrive at the same place!

Anyway, I hope all that made some sense. Because there is a real danger of "p 0 r n addiction" and desensitization to real people, I tend to keep an eye on it (even tho I sometimes feel like I'm invading his privacy)...but I honestly think it's something I tend to "over-worry" about because I just don't fully grasp it from the male perspective.

'Hope that helps some...I'd love to hear what all the men out there have to say about my "theory" - it sure would be good to know.