This has taken a lot of guts for me to write this. But i just wanted to cry tonight.
We have been together nearly a year and a half. things have been good, but recently im starting to feel otherwise.
Ive been hearing rumours that she goes out clubbing and flirts and messes about with blokes (her and her mates sometimes put soap in blokes back pockets, one time down the front of his trousers but she said it was her mate). And dissappears from her friends (dont know to where), like i said its only rumours, theres been no mention that she has kissed other blokes.
This was told by a friend who was told by someone who apparently knows my girlfriend.
My mate doesnt like my girlfriend one bit but he has said that hes not stirring things up.
What am i supposed to believe?
I have had my doubts to whether she has been getting off with other blokes when she goes out with her friends. I don’t like her friends especially one (she gave my girlfriends number out to lots of blokes for some reason) who said my girlfriend was boring because she wouldn’t cheat on me. And she has always said she wouldn’t hurt me and could never cheat on me as she wants to be with me forever.
She told me that she has cheated on her past boyfriend (long distance), but she would never do it to me. Should i believe her?
Im sure she looks at other blokes even when were out together, she has denied it twice and says shes only seeing who it is. She has said that she only has eyes for me.
She can be a really loving girl at times, writes little notes with 'love you' on it, sends little cards, says she wants to marry me and be with forever, misses me a lot, wants to hug me and kiss me, shes caring, considerate, wonderful, attractive, very funny. She even cried her eyes out cause she thought i didnt love her.
The other nite she had been out and came round to mine in the early hours of the morning as i was upset about something she had said, so she came and talked to me and said i have changed her life and she doesnt want to lose me, im the best boyfriend in the world etc etc.
We were discussing whipped cream and she said she would let me put it on her body, then she preceeded to tell me that on holiday (before she met me), some bloke licked it off her body in a club on the stage as it was some party thing. She says she was out of her face.
Why she told me i dont know, but she said she would never do that on holiday if she was with attached.
Last Night she told me she had been getting some phone calls, it was some foreign bloke asking to meet up again, i was puzzled, so she told me he went with my girlfriend and her mate to this market. My girlfriend said at the same time her mates boyfriend had gone back home and she said this was 3 years ago, yet her mates boyfriend didnt go home till last year.
And im sure she said it was just her and her mate going.
Shes lied to me before. She told me she had slept with one person before she met me. And the other week she told me she had something to tell me, and that was that she has never had sex with anyone before me. She said she was worried about telling me because she thought that I would think she was weird as shes in her mid 20’s and not slept with anyone (as it wouldnt have felt right with past boyfriends), and then she burst into tears. But I don’t think its weird.
We do make love when we can, she doesnt mess about as much with me as i do with her.
I dont demand sex or anything like that, if she doesnt want to do anything then id never force her. I just want to be happy with her.
Another time we were talking about sex and she said she had some condoms, but she said her cousin used 2 on holiday when my girlfriend went to see her. Why did she take condoms on holiday? (unless i misheard).
I do love her and want to be with her, i just wish i could stop being so paranoid about things.
It gets me in a bad mood and i get nasty with her (not violent as id never raise my hand to her), its only intended as a joke but i think i take it too far, like i told her to leave, so she did but i rang her and told her to come back as i was messing about, i said i was meeting this girl for a drink and she told me to stop winding her up (i wouldnt go behind her back). Even when her dad told her to behave tonight dont go off with any strange bloke, i said 'nothing unusual from a normal saturday'. Why the hell did i say that?
And the other night she said this blokes name instead of mine (in general conversation), and she said he does the football training at the school.
Then my mind just went 'so youve been thinking about him' etc. I didnt say anything to her.
Im just so stupid, maybe it is all in my head. I have low self esteem but she tells me how nice i am and how good i am for her etc.
I did apoligise about last night.
She says i worry to much about things, and yes i do worry.
She is my first serious girlfriend and i do want to be with her forever, i just wish things were easier.
She can be as nice as anything at times by the way she treats me.
One person has told me she is on a power trip trying to control me, another says she is messing me around. Someone else says i should spy on her but i dont want to do that.
Im supposed to trust her.
She chats to blokes, i have no problem with that.
But is she cheating on me? Or am i so paranoid?
I get images in my head of her snogging other blokes.
If i talk to her about it then she will say im being silly and worrying over nothing as its me she loves etc etc.
I just dont know what to think. I am very insecure and i suppose i dont help coming out with stupid comments, i dont mean them, sometimes i mean them as a laugh and a joke.
I thought we were happy.
Maybe i just dont deserve her. Maybe she deserves better.
I have thought about finishing with her but i might be jumping the gun.