Today, we bring you a commencement speech for the real world.

"In effect, you are graduating with a mortgage but no house. And what did you get? A subprime education."

"To those who majored in gender studies, film deconstruction, or any other of today's academic fads, to you I have this advice: when this commencement speech is over, do not bother looking for a job. Instead go straight to the unemployment office."

"Graduates, you have been saddled with debt and bad ideas. Good luck, you're going to need it."