Re: Lonely codependent señior mother.

"No judging please" you say, but I'm not sure what you mean.

I looked at your past posts to see if I could learn more about your situation. It seems that you've had a problem with your daughter-in-law for several years now. Back then, I saw that you got great advice in that thread, so I won't go there now.

As for your daughter---If you say that you mention to her about how badly she has treated you in the past, she doesn't remember doing so. Possibly, she is a narcissist but I don't know for sure.

Have you tried sitting down with your daughter and asking her why she has a problem with you? If she is willing to talk, hear her out. Don't get defensive and don't say she's making this up (even though she might well be doing so). For example, if she says you're controlling, ask her to give you examples. In the end, you might not agree with the way she sees things but you will know where she's coming from with her attitude. Don't immediately dismiss her observations. Take time and think about it. By doing so, you may find that there is some truth in what she is saying.

That said, you shouldn't put up with bad treatment from her. Speak up about it.

If she is a narcissist, she isn't going to change her behavior. Narcissists tend to blame others for their problems and don't see their role in making these problems.

My mother was a narcissist and an alcoholic plus she was verbally and emotionally abusive. When I got older, I tried to discuss the things she said and did but her response was to deny everything, tell me that I was making this up and that I was crazy.

As a result, once I became an adult, I didn't have much to do with her. Of course, people who didn't live with her thought that she was the nicest person and believed her when she said her kids were horrible.

On the other hand, I had a chance to stay with my aunt (mother' sister) for 2 months when I was a child. The difference was like night and day. I wished that I could stay there all the time. Yet, my 2 cousins grew up to be selfish and self-centered people. I don't how much was nature versus nurture. One of the cousins was adopted and the other was their biological child.

I wrote the above to give you examples as to how complex these issues are.

Take some time to reflect on how your children were raised. Did you overindulge them? Were you, perhaps, too strict? Did you allow them to treat you disrespectfully? Were you kind and loving rather than abusive?

Reflecting on all this won't change the past but it will give you some perspective.

We all hear about kids who grew up in bad homes but turned out to be loving, caring, responsible people. On the other hand, we hear about the kids who grew up in stable, loving homes who go off the rails.

In the end, it's up to you as to how you want to proceed.

Best of luck to you. Tweet