Severe Adrenal Fatigue TWICE

Hello

This is my first post here because I've become desperate. I just entered my second round of very severe adrenal fatigue. Here's a quick backstory:

I started getting adrenal fatigue when I was 26. Workaholic, starting a company, heavy exercise and filming a fitness video nights. My problem was too little sleep and I was always go go go- pushing myself to no extent so it's no wonder why I got here
I began fighting with stage 3 adrenal fatigue for about a year when it got very bad- I crashed into stage 3D. Too weak and dizzy to stand, fainting spells, so nausous i was hovering over the toilet, horrid anxiety and panic attacks- every symptom ever mentioned. Long story short- I saw a few doctors and I was put on 20mg hydrocortisone, adrenal glandulars, vitamin C, D, B complex, and fish oil.

I believe the hydrocortisone saved my life because within a couple months I was really noticing improvement. I was far from healed but I had a great outlook on my recovery and sense of optimism. But I was still not sleeping because of lingering anxiety- I had tried l-theanine, valerian, weed- nothing worked. So my doctor put me on Ativan. I knew nothing about benzodiazapines and their dangers.

I took them for 2 weeks and decided to stop because I don't like taking meds. I then spun into the most horrendous withdrawals possibly imaginable. I won't recount it all here because I don't wan to revisit it, but basically i was thrown into the seventh circle of hell. Among the 30 or so symptoms was; unrelenting anxiety and depression, 12-15 panic attacks a day lasting an hour each, a constant, deep sense of terror, horrible tinnitus, derealization so thick I couldn't even feel my body, halleucinations, and insomnia so bad I slept 35 hours per MONTH for the first two months.

Apparently benzos are the only drug that causes "protracted withdrawal syndrome" which is where it causes a down regulation of your GABA receptors causing a permenant withdrawal that can last 12 months to 3 years. It basically locks your nervous system into overdrive; which also means your adrenal glands go into overdrive.

Fast forward 7 months now and I'm still thick in the withdrawal syndrome and it finally caught up to me- I just crashed back to stage 3C adrenal burnout. I don't think "devestated" even close to describes how I feel.

At my first adrenal crash I lost my job, my house, my friends, my money, my health (I was a personal trainer and fitness model), but I was devoted to my recovery. I was doing it and had such great hopes of success. Now, 9 months later, I'm right back where I started all because of these withdrawals and there is NOTHING I can do about it. This time is worse because the adrenal burnout is almost as bad and I have horrid withdrawals still as well. I can't even take any hormones either because they are all GABA agonists and ramp up the withdrawals even more.

I apologize for the rant but I dont even know what to do anymore. Before AF I was HAPPY. I LOVED my life!! Albeit I needed to slow down a bit and I planned on it, I was having the best time of my life. Now, after 9 wasted months I'm right back where I started and can't heal from this until the withdrawals end which could be a year or more. I've never felt so low in my life and am starting to have feelings of just ending my misery. How can I ever recover from this much damage? Even if my adrenals eventually recover it will be a looong time and I can't foresee even getting to be active or athletic again. I just miss my old life so so much and I have no control over my symptoms now.
I'm sorry for the length of this but I guess I'm just writing to vent.... Or in hopes that somehow ill get hope that I can regain my life and the things I love one day. Thank you all-