hi there, your sexua| situation does not sound so complicated. I was with a girl who a girl many years who had a similiar problem secondary to some less than nurturing past experiences.
Since therapy is not an option. I would first look at your sitution with as much optimism as possible. If you can, get some ky and lube up first. As your bf enters you, you may and are gonna continue to freak out. But work with via taking deep breaths and ask him to be patient as well. Also remind him as was suggested that he should be forever gratefull to have a tight vagina to come home too. Your vagina will expand as it needs too.