How can I explain to my girlfriend that I did homosexual things when I was younger?

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and it is a very serious relationship. I do love her, and we want to get married. However, she is asking me to never lie about anything, no matter how bad, and I wouldn't have a problem with it if I didn't do what I did.

When I was younger, up to about 11, I had homosexual encounters with other boys roughly my age, and several times with one that was a couple years (not a lot) younger. I never did actual anal intercourse, but we did do a very small amount of oral, and pretending to do anal. I never thought that this would affect my life at the time. I was always attracted to girls, and I still am. I am more aroused by my girlfriend than anything else, and we have had dozens of sexua| encounters, almost everything except actual sexua| intercourse. She is asking me to tell her everything, but how can I?

I have made huge mistakes before, and I made her feel extremely self-conscious, to the point that she hates herself most of the time and believes that I think she's disgusting. I do not, I think she is absolutely beautiful, and I love everything about her. I felt terrible for what I did to her, and I have been trying to make it up to her for almost a year.

However, how could I possibly tell her that I had homosexual experiences, and not even when I was that young? I KNOW I am not gay, I am strictly interested in females, but I am haunted by these memories and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid she'll leave me, or be so disgusted that she has done sexua| things with me after I had put my penis in such places, that she will be even more depressed and sad than she is now, and so horribly hurt. I DO NOT want to hurt her, but I absolutely hate lying to her. I feel so disgusting and I regret everything. I've considered suicide, and the only thing stopping me is her, because I know that will only make her feel much worse. Please, what do I do? I can't take this anymore, I feel horrible and disgusting, and I have mental breakdowns almost daily. Help me, please. Tweet