9 months in and things are getting worse and worse. i want to give up. it was a mistake to have carried on...

hi all :)

i am upset. the incident happened around 9 months ago (i was 20) and at that time i felt so alone and scared. i don't want to think about it now the memory is so vague and messed up but now 9 months in, everything just got worse and worse. i think thikngs will get better after the sexua| assault right? but not for me. i used to be a sweet and kind girl before that. but after that i have changed. i don't want myself to but my reaction to daily events tells me that i have changed. i find it so hard to trust people again. i don't even trust my mommy now and our relationship has gotten worse now, but we used to be very sweet together. i have got a professor who helped me a lot after the incident but i don't trust him now...i am comvincing myself to but i just can't. my friends were very helpful and loved me a lot at first, giving me all the support i needed. but now they don't support me anymore - maybe since i have distanced from them coz i felt safer when i am alone and not joining the social activities. i have stayed at home during holidays and after school coz i think going to social activities is so tiring and made me feel uneasy. i slept my weekends away and felt so tired. now everyone is giving up on me - i used to be a lovely girl and a bright student. not anymore. the incident destroyed my life. sometimes i hated that guy a lot but sometimes i thought maybe it was all my fault - this made me feel better because then it was my fault and i am still in control. i don't know what to do now - with my academics screwed up (but passed thank God), relationship with friends changing from very close to having no friends and feeling so alone on this path, disppointing my professor and letting him know all about my downs and irrational thoughts, screwed up relationship with mommy, that guy might probably spread words around about me and i left a bad record for my internship (it happened during my internship, that guy was my supervisor, but they silented me)...every aspect of my life is screwed up now. i should have had a great year with my university friends and family and really good relationship with my professor but i have nothing now. i am hearbroken. everyone has given up on me. because it has been so long after the incident (at first they felt really sorry but they don't now coz they are tired of my mood fluctuations). i am all alone now. what should i do? please advice. i am reading other posts and wondering i may have Depression or ptsd. have been crying so frequently since the incident, kind of like crying one third of the days during these 9 months and sometimes have no feelings and became another person (very strong, not like to be controlled, fight for like everything and not comprimose like i used to). i hate men. i can't get close to them. and i want to destroy myself now...i know at this moment i need someone to talk to but i have no one to turn to anymore. except from feeling so painful and crying my eyes out on my bed, and sleeping through the days, i don't know what i can do anymore...............please help.........my friends think i am just wanting to get some attention but i am not. i feel torn apart inside.....things are so bad that mommy said she'd rather not giving birth to me.....maybe i really am a mistake...... Tweet