I understand the fear part

During the past year and a half I've had periods of dread. Then it hit me...

...I am convinced that death is very likely to be the most beautiful experience we have; and nothing to fear. Also, it is coming to all of us.

...The only hook is 'when'.


I also realize that there is little that is really vitally important.

We gather stuff around us for years, but, in the end, there isn't much we 'need'.

My dad is 98 and the only things important to him in the 'down-sizing' are the certificates he earned.


Since my stroke July 15, 2009 I've slept most of every day.

A woman who knows mentioned adrenal glands. Bingo!

She also said candida.

It was my idea that milk, and starch, are my downfalls. ...Yup.

Just last night it came to me what I'm going to do next.



But that fear thing is a doozer...


Don't worry, my friend...all that does is stress your adrenals even more.


I found that all my 'secrets' that I had 'buried' over years, for various reasons, needed to be released.

As I looked at each one, I could see they weren't important, that the anger, etc., melted, as long as I stuck to my best standards of NOT blaming any more.

Those folks were only human, like me...and they are responsible for their own 'healing'. And 'healing', as I understand it, is only for their own comfort, anyhow. We all, including 'bad' people, are only here as observers, I think, and we all have the opportunity to go to peacefulness and beauty, in the end.

It is very therapeutic to simply tell yourself that you wish them well. The subconscious can't take a joke. It has to accept whatever you tell it...including that you don't need to think about this any more. Your innards will bring up the subject again if it is necesssary.

Besides, there is no such thing as time. Stuff can happen sooner or later, it's all part of you...so why not have all the good stuff right now? ...Or anticipate it?




I talked to an old friend across oceans, briefly, and for a long time afterward I felt supported and strengthened. I realized then that acceptance and goodwill are real things and that, no matter the distance, we feel them.


Something new happened that made me feel anger. Then a feeling came to me that I physically loved the ladies who did it to me. I felt it in the core of my body, shoulder to hip, for just a second. With that feeling came the realization that I didn't want to punish them...that I was going to be silent and let them quietly realize that I am their friend. So what if someone has been mistaken about me. I've done that once or twice.


As I released each stress, even the ones I had forgotten... they melted, and vanished. The body reminds you which one is next...usually in your sleep.



When I didn't know what I should do next, to 'heal', I found that a good idea would occur to me. No need to sweat it. I have learned to wait for the next good idea.


Luckily, I have a wonderful caretaker. I treasure him.



When I realized that the meds I was given didn't help a bit, even though I had followed the regime exactly. and even though there was no one to tell me how to get out of my predicament, or if I would, I remained as pleasant as I could. I couldn't frighten my husband. He has already lost two wives to illness.


One by one the answers, for me, have slowly come. I feel fine.


When I was on the edge of panic, it dawned on me that there was no reason to be afraid. What was I going to do...get more and stronger meds? ...Nope...I'd just have to die. Nothing to be afraid of, anyway.


The only thing I felt sorry about was that I hadn't done all I wanted to.


Miraculously, I have found the key to motivation!

As I corrected my usual habits...embarrassment, the need to hide, anger, and so on...I'd have moments when I 'just did' stuff I used to have to flog myself to do.

No...I didn't find myself a confidant, or DO or say anything to anyone. I just saw old irritants in a new light...letting my old habits of thinking go. Sometimes I'd look for my usual cringe or anger, and it wasn't there. Just a new quiet, waiting for instructions.

Hah! My adrenals love that! And it was so easy, after all.


Since my stroke I kept a job of outdoor work that I do with my husband, three or four hours per week...a little more than an hour at a time.

I've done that because I felt like it...motivated, and because he appreciates my company. It is little enough return for all he has done for me.

Besides, they say that gentle exercise is important...and the rehab people at the hospital taught me well.



Sweetheart, your difficulties are tougher than mine, I'm sure, but the answers, I believe, are similar...as long as we draw breath.

Take heart...neither of us is alone. Both of us face the exhilarating possibility that the truths of life are nothing like we thought.


With you.

Fledgling