Re: Life-long list of abuse

I'm sorry to read about your personal issues - I know that you're experiencing some very painful episodes.

First of all, most abuse victims / Survivors were groomed to be victims as children either through neglect/abandonment, or outright abuse on every level.  The core of tolerating abuse, in my opinion, is an overwhelming need to be accepted.  We'll put up with anything as long as we make ourselves believe that we're "somebody," even if it means being a victim.  We will also endure abuse in an effort to please others and this goes back to feeling accepted.  In order to move from victim into Survivor, several things must occur beginning with self-acceptance and forgiveness.  For instance, I chose the abusive ex-husband and, therefore, I must forgive myself.  I also allowed the abuse to roll downhill onto my children - no excuses, I just did.  I have to forgive myself for that, as well (along with numerous other events, etc).  Some people insist that forgiveness is imperative for the abuser, as well - I don't know how I feel about this aspect other than (for me) forgiveness takes away that burden of hatred from my shoulders so that I can devote energy to healing ME.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain hatred, and I've got too many other things to do than spend every waking moment gnawing on the sickness of others. 

Next, I need to examine my boundaries.  What is it that I consistently do that allows abusive individuals into my life?  Is it still that need for acceptance that compels me to lower my boundaries and give away entirely TOO MUCH sensitive personal information?  Is it to fill the void of loneliness that causes me to abandon my boundaries and let anyone and everyone into my life?  Do I still allow myself to "trust" anyone and everyone until they "do something" to destroy that trust?  We CHOOSE these people to be around us and involved in our lives.  We don't choose our family members who share our DNA, but we DO choose to interact with them, even when it is deadly to do so.  It's a matter of sorting out why we're allowing others to treat us badly that is the first step.  Then, if we're aware of why we're allowing this to continue, we can take a step back, examine the basis of all of our relationships, and begin constructing and maintaining strong, healthy boundaries.  This includes constructing boundaries for our Self (Self = that which makes us unique), such as:  speaking truthfully even if doing so doesn't make us look so good.  Expecting and demanding honesty from others - not allowing others to throw out untruths and letting them get away with it, even in general conversations.  Keeping my mouth shut - not giving away too much sensitive information about myself that other people who are of malicious intent can use for their benefit.  BOUNDARIES for the Self, and boundaries for the rest of the world.

It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, "SELFISH" to construct and maintain these boundaries, though some people will definitely see it as such - it is a technique of self-protection and self-preservation to do this, and we develop into much healthier Survivors if we tend to boundaries, rather than attempting to please everyone else by accepting (and, excusing) their bad behaviors.

Then, it's important to find a creative outlet for all of these feelings, experiences, and residual emotions.  Whether it's painting, drawing, singing, drumming, writing, pottery, acting, Tae Kwon Do, or some other NON-ESSENTIAL pursuit - a creative outlet will allow positive energy to replace a lifetime of negative energy that has been developed via our experiences.  "I can't draw a straight line," is not an excuse to avoid delving into art - straight lines are not essential in expressing ourselves.  "I've never been athletic," is not enough of an excuse to avoid involving ourselves in Tae Kwon Do or Tai Chi - these are individual expressions without competition and only improve our self-confidence and self-worth exponentially.  No excuses - try something that you've always wanted to do, but were told you "couldn't" do because you somehow didn't deserve to have the ability to accomplish it.

You cannot change the past and you cannot make what  happened to you go away.  You cannot disappear the past, nor can it be altered.  You are one of tens of thousands of human beings who has suffered unspeakable abuse, and you are not alone.  GOOD FOR YOU that you engaged in counseling.  Now, I would strongly recommend that you seek a different counselor that specializes in domestic violence/abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  You can find such a counselor by calling your local toll-free mental health referral service and ask, specifically, for someone who has vast experience in these areas. 

Once you begin to develop some healthy self-esteem and build some very strong boundaries, you'll experience a huge change in your daily life, I promise.

My most  heartfelt healing energies and best wishes to you.