I don't know what my next step is

I am not entirely sure where to start, but I need advice. I have been suffering from Depression for quite a while. I suspect that it is a direct result of codependency. I'm young but I have not lived a young life. I don't go out an have fun. I have never dated. I am afraid of intimacy, and do not trust people. I generally feel overwhelmed by their issues and find myself falling into their patterns, and bending to their will. I change my moral convictions to suit their decisions. In general, I am angry with most of the people I call friends. Sometimes when I'm alone all I can do is obsessively think about everything they do that makes me angry, everything I want to say to them, and how I feel controlled by everyone, compelled by them to do what they value. No one sees me. I've spent my whole life just trying to stay safe, and have hidden myself as a result. I don't know who I am, what I want, or what I need. I'm ready for change, but I feel like every decision I could make to that end is infected by this lack of self-knowledge. I can't be sure that anything I decide has less to do with some other person than it has to do with me. I try to express my anger, which I am nearly always feeling, but then people tell me I'm imagining things and blame me for that criticism, but then later show evidence of acting on that criticism. All of my relationships are confusing, and I know is that I want out of everything, to be free, but I feel like I have nothing to go on. People see me as emotionally cold, but I'm not. I feel too deeply for other people, but otherwise feel barren. I dream of living this fun life in the future with enriching relationships in which I'm free to express what I feel. It just seems like everything is infected, and I don't know how to get out it but still spend time with the people I love.

This is a very incoherent message, but I just needed to write something and if anyone has any advice, I would be grateful. Tweet