I don't know what my next step is 
erinaceous
14 y
3,033
I am not entirely sure where to start, but I need advice. I have been suffering from Depression for quite a while. I suspect that it is a direct result of codependency. I'm young but I have not lived a young life. I don't go out an have fun. I have never dated. I am afraid of intimacy, and do not trust people. I generally feel overwhelmed by their issues and find myself falling into their patterns, and bending to their will. I change my moral convictions to suit their decisions. In general, I am angry with most of the people I call friends. Sometimes when I'm alone all I can do is obsessively think about everything they do that makes me angry, everything I want to say to them, and how I feel controlled by everyone, compelled by them to do what they value. No one sees me. I've spent my whole life just trying to stay safe, and have hidden myself as a result. I don't know who I am, what I want, or what I need. I'm ready for change, but I feel like every decision I could make to that end is infected by this lack of self-knowledge. I can't be sure that anything I decide has less to do with some other person than it has to do with me. I try to express my anger, which I am nearly always feeling, but then people tell me I'm imagining things and blame me for that criticism, but then later show evidence of acting on that criticism. All of my relationships are confusing, and I know is that I want out of everything, to be free, but I feel like I have nothing to go on. People see me as emotionally cold, but I'm not. I feel too deeply for other people, but otherwise feel barren. I dream of living this fun life in the future with enriching relationships in which I'm free to express what I feel. It just seems like everything is infected, and I don't know how to get out it but still spend time with the people I love.
This is a very incoherent message, but I just needed to write something and if anyone has any advice, I would be grateful.
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- Re: I don't know what my next step i... HootHoot
14 y
2,265
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,647,448
Hi Erinaceous,
I just made a username here at Curezone because of your post! I relate to so much of what you have been experiencing. I think that it's really great that you're able to identify and express what you are feeling. A very good start! I'm still struggling with that myself; trying to explain and make sense of it while trying to move in a healthy direction has been very difficult.
How I came to identify and begin to develop and understanding about my own codependency is by reading. These have been very helpful for me: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John and Linda Friel, An Adult Child's Guide to What's "Normal" - also by John and Linda Friel. You can use those to help you understand origins, patterns, and how to begin to work on recovery behaviors.
After some intense reading, even more agonizing reflection, and more attempts to search for answers online, I found Codependents Anonymous 12-step meetings (CODA) listed in my local area. At my first meeting, I was so confused and still unsure if it all applied to me. I was also one of the youngest attending that night. I've gone back, and learned so much... I really encourage you to try these meetings if you haven't already!I'll be wishing you the best! I'm also interested in your feedback.
=)
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- Re: I don't know what my next step i... randigfine
14 y
1,844
This is a reply to # 1,647,448Hi erinaceous,
I'm so glad that you have chosen to reach out. I've been where you are--I understand your pain and confusion. The difference between you and I is that you are young and in touch with the fact that life isn't working for you. This is a very positive advantage for you--acknowledging the problem is the first step toward healing. I didn't realize how bad off I was until I was well into adulthood. Looking back, I can see that I suffered from many of the same pains that you describe.
Children come into this world pure. It is the way our parents, or influential adults program us that make us emotionally healthy or not. I suspect that you come from a less than happy home.
You've probably been a pleaser from as far back as you can remember. I was too. It sounds like you may have had to grow up too fast, maybe you were relied on as a child to be a caretaker, physically or emotionally, for a family member. Whatever your situation is, your Depression is rooted in your upbringing.
Disfunctional families often produce children with undefined boundaries. What you describe is exactly that--undefined boundaries. Those that suffer from that will find that their life just doesn't work for them. I speak from experience. I was depressed for many years, had a multitude of problems, and made many bad choices. After working very hard and changing my patterns, I was able to raise two very healthy, happy, stable children through to adulthood. I parented completely opposite of how I was parented and it worked.
I want you to know that you can change your life. Don't give up, because the answers are within your reach. The way your life looks today is not the way it will always look.
I just published my memoir, Fine...ly: My Story of Hope, Love, and Destiny. I urge you to read it--you may recognize many similarities between you and I, and you'll see how I healed from it. I would like for you to email me and tell me how you are doing. finerandi@hotmail.com I care about you! Things will get better...just hold on.
For more info about me and my book visit my website: http://www.randigfine.com
Warmly,
Randi
- Re: I don't know what my next step i... HootHoot
14 y
2,265
