If's, Then's and all the in betweeners....

I love both of you and I'll make you brown rice & flax seed meal pancakes with organic fruit compote on top and squeeze your little cheekies. ;)

I am still apologetic that I've not been able to spend more time talking to folks. Partly, I've been under house arrest. (thank you Uny) and partly - I've been M.I.A. on the IP. I made a promise to God (stay with me this is gonna sound cheezy until ya gets through the rest of it) that I'd help whomever came across my path with their health. It was the show-stopping kind of exclamation. I was very near death, like 6 years ago, when this first started. I could not stand up, had to brace myself on anything nearby. I was 95 lbs, unable to stand up in the shower. Couldn't close my eyes if I was in the shower, or otherwise standing up, as I'd fall over. Literally. I threw up often, had horrible bowels - could not digest or keep anything down. I was yellow, I was dizzy, I was mortally depressed and sleeping 12-15 hours a day. I couldn't pick my feet up, I shuffled around and I just knew - I was a few months from dieing. *knew* - ya know?

Not since I was a kid, had I made such a dramatic display of prayer. Raised by a harsh Baptist father, I strongly feel you can talk to God and the Universe whenever you like - one of my favorites is while washing dishes. I make wishes and prayers for the universe and for folks I wanna send energy to - while I'm making things gleam and be refreshed - makes sense, right? I do it while I'm folding laundry too - because it's a 3D act of 'folding, integrating, making new and repairing'. Anyhow - I got down on my knees and made a bargain with God. Don'tcha love those moments? Hands clasped, head on the bed, sobbing, on my knees on the floor. I promised to help everyone that came across my life if I could be lead to the people that could help me with my life. I had no family, very little support and had just gone through a nervous breakdown.

lol - Here's where the funny part comes. Even though working on the edge of the brink of death (no exaggeration here, just reality) - I was still putting everyone else ahead of me. First born, adult child of alcoholics - I then totally hedged my bets, subconsciously, on having made this promise and that if I didn't help everyone that came across my plate - I might not heal. We think the most conditional and unloving things, when it comes down to it, when we're most ill, don't we?

Roommates, friends I shouldn't have cavorted with - I wanted to help everybody. It was like the little old lady in the shoe who didn't know what to do. I was shrinking, melting and still reaching over to cup someone's face and tell them they were perfect and beautiful. lol - I wasted a lot of time because I couldn't see the forest for the trees. The biggest piece I was missing - was taking care of me - first. I'm a codependent, trained to a T by abusive parents and a chemically rattled childhood, on how to make sure everyone else is alright before I take care of me. Do you see the irony in the promise and 'deal' I made with God?

I think looking hard in the face of who we were focusing on the whole time we were 'getting sick' is an important element to look at. Sumner - for instance, is a gem. He's worth it and he will make a rock concert out of his life yet. He's working through anger and sadness for his life and childhood just like many of us are. And - he was and is - worth it. T_Montreal - you were and ARE worth it. Each of us is. I love and cherish each one of you. I've met some really fool hardy, dysfunctional folks on cz (shocker that you'd meet folks who's psychological dynamic mirrors the physical imbalance they were drawn to healing forums for, right? ;)

When you look HARD at who and what you were trying to 'protect', nurture and otherwise make good - so that you could unscathed, unabated and undistracted - heal and love yourself - it will not happen. I think it's a ruse on this planet. Yes - love thy neighbor. Yes - love those that the universe puts in your path. But, Sumner (No Unicorns, etc) and T_Montreal, for example - look at whom we were trying to heal and solve equations for the whole time our bodies were evolving into the 'state' they came to know as reality. Was it solely yourself? Were any of us first and foremost, focused on ourselves and how we'd make it through? Not likely.

My friend, Tonya, a brilliant young healer sometimes has words for me that blow me right out of the water. I called her last year and was experiencing a very dysfunctional dynamic with someone I thought I knew. I said, 'a, b, c and even x, y, z and I just really don't know what to do about any of it'. Tonya said, 'close your eyes and breath.' So I did. Then the firecracker says, 'see an altar or table in front of you. Lay these burdens and issues down that you rightfully wish this person would look at and all of the things that they cannot see. Lay them down like offerings on this table - it doesn't matter what they look like just lay them down.' 'Ok, I have,' I whispered. Then she said, 'this altar is that which stands between you healing you and between you and Spirit. They are an impediment between you and God'.

AAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I snapped my eyes awake. What? You mean I can't carry stuff around and wanna heal other people that aren't ready and when it comes down to it - I'm keeping a wedge between me and God/Spirit/The Universe and my OWN healing when I do so? Eeeeeeeeeeeep!!!

Food for thought. When we cleanse and heal our bodies - we are truly giving unparalleled thanks and a frequency of gratitude for that which we've been given. This body, this time, this life. It is a gift to you before it's a gift to your dysfunctional, angry mother, father, brother, neighbor, boss, etc. There is peace here. There is room for you here. Ya know the joke about the guy that goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc - it hurts when I do THIS.' And we all know what that Doc says...'well, don't do that.'

:)

Don't. Do. That. Do another thing. Love, laugh, have joy.
T_Montreal - you are a portrait of all that is possible and already probable here. It's already yours. When Schulze says stop doing the things that make you sick - it's confusing. We see that slice of cheese pizza as such. It is true - but think about these things in a more macro perspective. Is the relationship you're in that which really contributed to your becoming ill? If so - is it your duty to yourself and to your gratitude for this life to live in a better situation? Would your vibration be higher? Most likely the answer is yes. With that higher vibration - would you do better works, for yourself and others, wash the dishes sending that energy to the middle east that they find newness and love and peace? lol - Yes. Yes, you would. Time is precious. People are precious - you - are precious. Stop doing and cavorting with that which makes you sad. At the essence of all cancer, all imbalance is lack of self love, sadness and a longing to belong and be nurtured. PERIOD. All the herbs, all the tea in China and all the pieces and parts cannot put Humpty Dumpty back together again if he keeps doing and cavorting with that thing that makes him feel bad about himself.

I learned a lot by making that agreement that night. I learned that I can be a little too selfless and that the piece I was missing was that in late-stage Adrenal Fatigue and dieing - I didn't have energy to shovel even myself up off the sidewalks. Only a few (Lil Unicorn here for instance) ended up having wanted it and made that balance of love. It wasn't all for not - each and every step I've taken down a sidewalk with a wheel barrow full of folks I wanted to help - could not heal me. I had to want to heal me first. And...I do. Now. I didn't then. 'IF THEN' statements are VERY dangerous. I should know - I feel like I wrote the book on them. Look around you. If you can hear in your thoughts, 'if I can just get him/her to see' - these are IF THEN statements in your thought process that keep you from focusing on how wonderful you already are.

You
Already
A.R.E.

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