There were a couple of really important things I was
hoping to learn that you left out...one was you & your
husbands age. But from what you related above...I still learned volumns.
You say he has a security related position...
He likes seclusion...nature...internet & newspapers...
He usually invites friends to visit your cottage when
you're on vacation...but this time he did not...
You are more alive when he is away on trips....
He is using money in ways that are different than before...
He leaves most or all household & childcare chores to you..
His disposition deteriorates after drinking a certain am't
within about a 2 week period...
Just this above says a lot to 'me'.
I've never drank a drop in my life...and 'wouldn't'...so
I have no concept of how much significance one can of beer...or one glass of wine has on a person or their demeanor.
HOWEVER...I'm wondering about his position...and since it is possibly pertaining to national security...if he is under more strain right now...and in previous months...than
normal. And even if his job isn't more strain now than
'normal'...I would think a position concerning national
security would be very stressful. For 'one thing'...just
having a lot of information 'stored' in your brain that
you can't even share with your soulmate...would be very
stressful to most people.
You say he seems 'hurt and sometimes mad'...when you complain about him spending too much time in his own little
world. (newspapers & internet)...so that tells 'me' right
there...that he 'does' care. Otherwise...it wouldn't mean
a hill of beans to him...that he is hurting your feelings.
And he seems to be 'making excuses' and saying the 'two of
you' are drinking about the 'right amount' :-) ...so that
sounds like he's wanting 'you' to feel the same way...so
you're not so upset.
I'm wondering if most of this isn't from the stress of his
You say you are more 'alive and yourself' when he is away...well NO DUH!!! :-) That's because you have to walk
on egg shells when he is 'there'. It's like you have no
breathing room...like there is a sensitive bomb in the room or house...and the least little vibration of the wrong kind...could set it off. So you 'have' to be 'on the ball'.
He usually invites friends to the cabin during vacation...but this time...he did not. Could this be because of his 'security position'...and possibly he had
a lot more on his mind this time? And maybe he just really
needed to be in seclusion for a while to 'chill'.
You say he likes nature...so just that statement right there...says to me...he's under lots of pressure in the
'real world'...and he needs to get away from it all.
(Although "I LOVE" nature...and I don't work for anyone
but my family and the Lord) :-)
He's using money in ways that he never has before...I read
that in the other post. Now 'that' is alarming to me...more
than anything else, I think. But maybe that's because I don't know 'what' he is spending money on. But that's something for 'you' to think about. And you don't have to
post it here...for goodness sakes. :-) But just think to
yourself...WHAT is he spending the extra money on???
Household and child care!!! Do husbands DO that kind of thing? :-) I've been married for 42 years..we have a to die
for relationship (Praise The Lord)...but I take care of the
home & kids...and aging parents, etc. And my husband takes
care of the 'man' stuff. :-) We're a very 1950's couple. We do everything the 'old fashioned' way. :-) And we
both like it this way. I don't want him under foot when
I'm cleaning and scrubbing and he doesn't want me in the
way of the tractor when he's out in the field. :-) or washing the cars, etc. You know the old saying...a man
may work from sun to sun...but a womans work is never done.
Boy whoever said 'that' should be a millionaire. :-)
Even though we're retired (we're 62 & 63)...we work from
about 7am until about 5pm most days...just around our home and gardens, etc. But we DO take plenty of time to 'play'.
You said he complains that you and he are not active and social enough. Well...that is VERY important! You have to
develop and maintain a relationship. Good relationships don't just 'happen'. There's an old saying.."A relationship in neutral usually ends up in reverse" and that is so true...and that's 'any' relationship...with your
spouse...with your kids...with parents...with your church or the Lord. ANY relationship in neutral is usually going
to go backward instead of flourish.
GOOD GRIEF...I've written a book here...and I'm just now
getting to 'my' opinion/solution. :-)
If "I" were you...I'd attack this problem head on with
reverse psychology. That's the only way, it seems. It's like if you're out in the boonies...and you run into a bad
guy...and there's no way 'around' him...and if you walk
right up to him and confront him face to face...he's probably going to stomp you into the ground....so you have
to sneak around the bushes...and get him from behind. :-)
So "I" would begin today...and this is what I'd do.
I'd start surfing the internet for 'healthy' websites.
Find one that's really good...and leave it 'up' for him
to come in and 'find' later...like you 'forgot' to close it
out. And you may do that several days in a row. But you
want him to 'ask you'...what that sight is about...what were you doing there...blah blah blah.
THAT will give you the opening you need...to tell him that
even though your vacation was stressful at times...it made
you think about what you both are missing...and you're hoping to find ways to make you both healthier and happier.
Just look him in the eyes and say..."Remember when there was just the two of us...& how happy & fairly healthy we were..I just want 'us' back". That simple statement 'should' knock the socks right off of him...IF
he's sober when you say it.
THEN you need to get some B Complex 100 Supplements...and
B12 Sublingual...and both of you take it daily. The B Complex after your biggest meal of the day...and the B12
should be taken 'alone'. But can be taken shortly after your biggest meal.
Start actually studying living a healthier life. And start
being more upbeat and loving around him. You can't change
'him'...you can only change 'yourself'...and hope he follows your lead. I'm thinking he would like a happier
and more fulfilling life just as much as you would. And you
won't like this...but if "I" were you...I'd give up all my
drinking of alcohol. And hopefully...in due time...he'll
see the change in you and follow your lead in that area
also. You're not going to find 'me' putting anything in
my body that will alter my 'thinking' or actions. And even
though you say you don't drink 'much'. A little is too much in 'my' opinion. Your husband probably started light
too...and look what it's doing to him and to you and your
whole family. Drinking alcohol is just not good...I don't
care who you are...where you live...or what you do. If you
need to 'relax'...go for a walk down a woodland path...add
celery juice to your carrot juice. There are a million
ways to 'relax'.
Life is WAY too short...not to make the best of every single day.
I have a saying that I cherish...
"Life's experiences can be better than any movie you've
ever seen"...and that is so true!!!
But good relationships and happy homes just don't 'happen'.
Samantha Stevens (Bewitched) isn't going to come into your
home and twitch her nose and give you a storybook life.
But there are people living storybook lives in nooks and
crannies all over the world. And they are living those lives because that's what they want...and they have learned how to make it happen.
I'm cleaning carpets today...so I'll be checking back
and forth. Hope to hear back from you. kathryn