Re: Athena...

Thank you so much Kathryn!

It almost made me cry to come back to your message - I'm so starved for genuine kindness and interest nowadays.

I don't have time to answer you properly, but the most important details are these:

-he never stopped drinking - only cut down

-his work is security sensitive (has always been, but even more so for the last 2-3 years), he has a status that could be described as national or regional level security clearance. He had to go through an extensive medical checkup before he got his current position, and use of alcohol was routinely discussed there. So he knows he will loose his job if he drinks.

-I've told him (earlier, not after this April anymore) over and over again that if he drinks daily, two cans of beer or more, for 10-15 days, he starts to become increasingly impatient, more self-centered even than normally, loud, overly dominant and generally aggressive. I've told him that in my opinion, after he drank that fall-winter-spring 2007-2008, his brain seems to slide into this "alcohol-induced-aggression" mode more easily. He does not accept this, but reacts with exasperation at my being "unrealistically demanding and strict" and stresses that he now (this winter) drinks less than he did then.

-when he is at home, he is mostly immersed in his newspaper or his computer. Yet he complains at times that "we" are not active enough (physically and socially). If I say that his newspaper/Internet use is a part of the cause, he acts hurt or angry or both. For example, he will only travel on vacation to places where there are Internet connections, and will pay considerably extra if the place can combine remoteness, nature and Internet.

-he leaves most household and child-related chores to me, then complains that I don't have time for him

-he has lately used money in ways I had objected to beforehand or differently than we had agreed. This is new.

-last winter and spring he traveled even more than before because of his work, and I started to realize how much more alive and myself I felt and behaved when he was not around

-after one of his business trips in April or May I found two different one-pint (0.5 liter) empty bottles of hard liquor (40-45 volume percent = 80-90 proof) in the trash: i.e. he had drunk two pints = one liter of hard liquor alone in his hotel room during a ten-day business trip. And remember: he was there representing in a security-related role! I did *not* confront him, but started to observe, quietly.

-this vacation, after we got to the cottage, he physically crowded me and seemed more keen than before to follow what I was doing on the computer or whom I had contact with by cellphone. That's when I found this group. Otherwise I played "nice" and just put a lid on any own opinions or interests for the duration of the vacation.

-this vacation he did not even suggest inviting any other people to visit at the place, which he has earlier summers been fairly keen on, at least at times. Any visitors we had came due to my initiative, and I also had to take care of all the practical arrangements.

-this vacation he several times pointed out how he thought "our" level of alcohol use now was OK, something he wished "we" could maintain. Yet he drank, in one month, more than two boxes = over 50 cans of beer and cider, about 5-6 pints = 2.5-3.0 liters of hard liquor (42-46 volume precent = 84-92 proof), and three bottles = about 5 pints = 2.5 liters of wine. Because we were at such a remote place and all trash had to be packed and carried away, I could keep a fairly exact tally. The few times we both had alcohol with food (wine, beer or cider), I observed him and drank as exactly half of his amount as I could, and I got *really* tipsy every time, even though I am both tall and heavy. Yet he showed no outward signs of being affected at all (he's not much taller than me, and only somewhat heavier). So most of the time I said I did not want any wine etc. with food. And I pretended to not pay attention, when he took a drink or two (or three) in the evening.

-after about two weeks of this level of drinking, his unpleasant side started to emerge in earnest, also towards the kids. After that I was just dodging risks for quarrel, making myself as small psychologically as I could. It was awful.

-I could go on writing for what feels like forever, just to unload, but now I need to get all the practical things in hand. Wish me luck!

I'll be back.

AE