abuse to affair, rejection, suicide and depression... Please someone help me understand

NOW ON TO MY NARCISSIST-before reading, please know I already feel horrible about what I've done and I KNOW now how dumb I was.. I really can't take hate right now, thanks.

Let's note that as of before I met my N, I had already had a few good meaningful relationships, mostly long term ones (2-4 years) and not one of them ended in a turbulent breakup. In fact I am friends with all of my exes to this day... And at the time I met my N I was with, and had been with my ex for 2 years... And the story goes:
I was 20-just turned 21 and started working for a Mortgage Company as a telemarketer for mortgage loans. After about 4 months of that, i found out that I simply just didn't have what it took to be successful in sales. Distrot and concerned about my job and future, I went and talked to my boss about it. My future N then walked in the room (he was the company owner/branch owner) and he then told me he was looking for a new person to help with the underwriting and offered me a job doing that, as long as i agreed to bring him tea everyday. So I did. a couple months later the first red flag appeared, he had approached me and tried to offer me a Victoria Secrets dress (he had overheard I had wanted this particular dress) as a "bonus", which I thought was weird and I denied. However, he said it so nonchalant and professional I didn't think much of it at the time. A few months after that my then boyfriend broke up with me. I was heartbroken, and he attempted to try and come back to me, but by then I had decided I wanted to be 21 and go out on my own for a while anyways (and i did, i started going out almost every night with friends). It was hard on my ex, but he eventually understood and agreed that he wanted the opposite since he was 25 at the time and wanted to start settling down. Anyhow, maybe about a week after my split, my boss/future N somehow heard about my breakup and made his move. He said at the end of that day, "Man I need a drink", and I replied, not knowing it wasn't just a statement, but an invitation, "Oh my gosh tell me about it!!," thinking the conversation was done. However, he then asked, "You want to go grab a drink?" and I said sure, not really thinking I would be the only one going, or that when your boss asks you to do something that "No" was an option. He had me meet him at a Embassy Suites bar near the office and right when we sat down I noticed that the waitress already knew his drink order (he had been there before). He almost immediately started talking about how his marriage was failing and how he was dreading becoming 39 and being so unhappy about having to go home every night. He claimed, his wife was cold towards him and that she had got knocked up when he decided to marry her to conform with church and that he thought it was the right thing to do. I told him he should try and buy her a gift, or talk or go to therapy, but he said there was no point and that he wasn't willing to go. Even went as far as to claim the relationship was like a car that he hadn't maintained and it had rusted to death and that he saw her as more of a "roommate" then a wife. He said he was in the process of getting a divorce started. Can't say that he sold me on anything that night, but he did end up trying to kiss me, which I dodged thinking that he was just really drunk and i thought that he was going to be embarrassed of himself the next day... But he wasn't. He asked me out again the next week and I ended up saying yes after feeding him an excuse why i couldn't go the night before. Then he ended up asking me out every Wednesday night after that (even when it fell on valentines day)... somewhere along the line I started enjoying his company and our conversations and then accepted his kiss. he started trying to buy be gifts such as dresses, lunch, said he'd get me a boob job (if i ended up staying with him for a year) anything he thought I wanted or that I would actually accept from him even Tiffany's jewelry (which may I add is HIS WIFE'S name!!), but I couldn't accept anything. I really couldn't stomach the thought of letting him give me anything, but that didn't stop him from hiding the gifts in my purse or jacket. whatever... He ended up claiming that the day he laid eyes on me he knew he had to have me (but now i know it's because that was just because nobody else could have me... to the men in that office I was untouchable and that's what he wanted)... Our Wednesdays slowly ended up becoming MTWThFs, "like" turned in to "love" and I ended up sleeping with him. Although, the sex was the most amazing sex, I ALWAYS ended up feeling sad afterward... and towards the end of the affair I would cry every time. I felt horrible about what I was doing... His wife would call in the middle of our dinners and he'd just not answer the phone and even went as far as to laugh about how she confronted him for cheating when he got home. He was the type of guy that could sit there and listen to Justin Timberlake's, "What goes around" without blinking... Even gave me the phone to call her and tell her myself... I'll never understand it... But he told me he loved me more than anyone he's ever met (even after confessing he was a womanizer when he was younger) and that he's never had any kind of affair before this of course, and I truly believed it... He went on to tell me about the crazy world of salesmen; how he has had women come in his office and try and give him head, playmates have approached him for sex and that him and his partner (the other owner) had been charged with sexual harassment before, all of which he of course was INNOCENT in. And then the day came that I overheard another employee talking about how my N had a reputation of having "girlfriends" aside from his marriage.. I decided to start asking some questions and found out it was common knowledge around the office that he was a cheater and people even told me the exact lines and excuses that he would use to get women.... I confronted the issue and he convinced me it was all rumors... I feel so stupid... He told me that he wasn't going around the office and telling people about our affair because I was ashamed, which I later found out was a lie... but he said it was because he didn't want to lose me, so it was ok?
Anyhow, weeks turned in to months and every month he would claim, was the month he was leaving. He said the only thing holding him back was his ability to stash away money and getting on the title to their shared house. Mean while I slowly started withdrawing from my own personal life, not only because he told me he wanted me to stop going out by the time he was divorced so that we could start our life together, but also because I was hiding a secret I was really ashamed of. I stopped talking to family and friends about any personal matters in general and started only giving them the time I had when my N wouldn't see me (usually every weekend unless he said he had a meeting of some sort). He also started convincing me that most of my friends (I had MANY at the time) weren't really my friends, and that they were, just meaningless clutter in my life dragging me down by going out and partying (and I now feel the same) so I started cutting off friends one by one.. His business partner ended up committing suicide a year in to it and the mortgage business tanked, which bought him more time.. I ended up helping him move his company/office and helped him open up two more ventures to try and get his finances back up and running but there ended up coming a time where there just was no place for me in the office, and although he threw a fit over the thought of me leaving, I quit, but we remained together. I ended up getting a DUI and lost my car, which he replaced and helped me threw financially and emotionally and our relationship staid restrained to blocked calls for quite some time after that. I had wanted to get a job, but every time I brought up a job idea he'd get really upset about it. He said that there was no reason for me to get a job because he was going to take care of me and that he didn't want to have any guys hitting on me, and that soon, I'd be too busy going to the gym, out to lunch and shopping with friends and helping him with his 3 children, to be working. So, I didn't, I wanted us to work out, not to make him insecure. The sex never stopped being good, but he did start saying that he wanted me to come off the pill. At first he said that it would be best to start coming off it so we could be ready to have a little girl when he came out of the marriage... Then he started saying that he'd almost rather have an "accident" then to have to deal with breaking up with his wife (he said that his wife began saying that she'd commit suicide too if he left her)... Thankfully, although part of me wanted to do what he said, I didn't. How could I go and say that his wife baby trapped him and then go do that? I just couldn't and wouldn't. Their marriage alone was enough proof that children added to the picture doesn't make a relationship work.
After 1 year and 7 months, i finally had enough. He had given me so many dates to count on and didn't come threw that I stopped believing he would ever leave, and so I gave him one last chance. I told I was going to be done with him by the end of June. I told him I was tired of crying and hiding, tired of having sex in the back of his car, in every hotel, tired of not being able to talk to him when I felt alone, tired of blocking my calls and lying to my family, and tired having him beg me to stay and tired of having to beg him to stay also. My life had become a complete and total secret and I was tired of all the shit he had dragged me threw... I really could not understand why he never felt bad about the things he was doing...
However, to my surprise (at least this is what he told me), he ended up telling her he was moving out because he was unhappy. It was no divorce like I was promised, but it was a start! (PS: this is about the time I got back on antidepressants for the 2nd official time) Unfortunately, his wife had a good idea what was going on and hired a PI to follow him and caught him. Then wiped out their accounts because of it. My N was able to pull it together enough get "us" in to an apartment and put the furniture and TVs (which i never asked for) on his credit and he started telling his wife that he was no longer with me... he said "it was only to try and get his money back". I started living with him, doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping for his kids (which may I add, I've always claimed I would never do for a man) and then when his kids would come over every other weekend and Thursday, I'd gather all my belongings and be out the door, acting like I never existed. I went out with my own friends on those days (every other weekend and every other Thursdays), but that became a problem to him. From the beginning I had always told him that he wont get me all to himself until I saw a divorce... I didn't think I owed him that if he continued hiding me... and I constantly asked him when our life together was going to start, but he had no answers really. So, I didn't stop going out, i was 22-23 and about to give my life to a 40 year old man that never introduced me to any friends, or family or children? In fact he never told any of them about the divorce. Each and every one of them had to hear it threw the grapevine from his wife, even his children. His kids 6, 8 and 14, we're told, "Daddy's on a secret mission and can't go home right now", and he never brought it up again.... but of course they found out, and didn't react too well. We went together to get books on children and dealing with telling them about divorce and moving on (I'm a huge psychology/self help believer)... but he never read them and never talked to them. He'd take me ring(window)shopping, but was never able to commit his birthday, my birthday, thanksgiving or Christmas? While he hadn't even started any divorce proceedings? He wanted me to do his kids Christmas shopping and then disappear? Anyways, after 5 months of this came my birthday, he couldn't be with me and still didn't want me around, so I invited my bestfriend down from Alaska and we went to Vegas instead, he said he wasn't happy about my outfits while i was there, but then again he bought them for me. He bought me an iphone and talked me in to shutting off my account and joining his. He began watching my account phone calls and text messages and hated the fact I was out with men. He hated the fact the majority of my friends were men and not women (I only have like 3 girlfriends) and hated that I hooked up with one of my now bestfriends, Ty, 5 years ago and still talk to him. Towards the end of the 5th month of him moving out of her house I had all my bills in his name, including a $300 a month effexor prescription and Dr. visits, and I had cut Ty off too... I started feeling like a booty call to him and tried one night, the first night ever really, I decided I wasn't going to come to his beck and call when he put me off. I told him I was going to stay home. I visited with family for a while then went out with a group of friends to a local community hot tub instead. He found out and wasn't happy obviously. Then I made my last and most deadly mistake? My ex boyfriend (an ex I had in Alaska when I was about 13 years old)started contacting me via Facebook and twice by phone, for the first time in 5 years, and was trying to apologize for some actions his friends made years ago. Anyways, he basically asked about me "it's complicated" status (if you know anything about facebook) and I denied having a boyfriend, I couldn't possibly tell him I was involved with a married man. The email it self was flirtatious, but there was no talk about me liking him, wanting to see him (not that that was possible, he lived states away). Long story short, my N had been watching my activity the whole time. So, he turned off my phone gas cards exc... So, went over to the apartment to see what was up and he wasn't there... decided to drive by his ex's, and what a surprise, he was there and he later confessed he had decided to take her out on a date that night. I was obviously really mad and wanted to confront him that night, but later I just went back to our apartment to get my things and leave. However, he met me at the door... Locked me out and screamed threw the door that I was a whore, cheater, slut, loser, piece of shit blah blah I returned with some "your a jerk" comments... Anyways, long story short, we decided we were going to move past this and we tried to talk about it. Unfortunately, I didn't know what to say about it besides the fact I didn't want to give personal life up for a married man. He made me promise I would never talk to my ex again, and told me that if I did or if I decided to go and get my own Cell Phone account again that he'd leave me. So i promised not thinking there was a reason I'd need to talk to him again anyways. I love my N and didn't think it would be a problem/sacrifice, I even told my N that he could continue watching my phone and accounts if he wanted because I didn't think it the problem would come back up. I ended up deleting my Facebook, however, although we were moving past that problem, my N continued to breaking in to my emails and reactivated my facebook, and this time he decided he was going to email and harass my ex, my ex's 10 year old little sister, his mother, and many of our mutual friends, all of which he emailed in MY NAME. He told everyone and anyone that my ex had a small dick and was a homosexual exc.exc... and for those who know anything about facebook, when you make a post, it's public. Hundreds of people were watching what "I"/my N was saying about my ex. And in return my ex made a public announcement that I was crazy, psycho a bitch exc... and others believed it was actually me. I confronted my ex and he played the dumb 40 year old that doesn't understand how he made the computer send the messages.. and with it a few hours, he promised he was going to stop breaking in to my accounts and he had me convinced he was sorry so, i went back to being in his hands. It's around this time that I must have got pregnant, but I didn't yet know... I then made a separate facebook after that and then tried to clean up the mess he had made. I told my ex someone broke in to my account and that it wasn't really me who sent those emails and I tried to convince him to stop saying the things he was saying about me online, but he didn't. Sadly, my N hadn't stopped breaking in to my accounts either and he saw that I broke my promise not to talk to my ex again. He asked me about it and I lied. I know there's no excuse, but I didn't want to lose him i guess. That's when things began to unravel. He claimed he thought I was secretly in love with my ex and that he couldn't trust me and that he wanted to spend some time apart and that he needed to focus on making money because he hadn't made any for over a year, but he would absolutely not say he wanted to breakup, that he didn't see us working out, or that he didn't want to see me again. In fact, he even told me to tell my family that we were taking a break so he can "over come his pride"... And when i brought up the idea that we shouldn't talk then if we're not together, he threw a fit... But I was lying to myself, we didn't stop talking. During this time I enrolled in full time classes which he paid for and talked me to in going to the school nearest to his house. I cut off all my friends (because he said my personal life concerned him) and just focused on school. We kept talking and promised each other that we'd tell each other if we decided we wanted to start dating someone else. We continued this dance for a little over a month, and I had then figured out I was pregnant. I decided not to tell him because I wanted to work threw our problems and I didn't want to force him to be with me. I quit my 150 mg of effexor prescription, not only because I didn't want to hurt the baby, but I didn't want to accept any financial support from him anymore. Quitting effexor, may I add, is NOT pretty (because it's structurally different from all other antidepressants, it affects two neurotransmitters) involved in depression: serotonin and norepinephrine which can lead to crazy withdrawals) and that alone was likely to send me in to a depression. After I found out for sure I was pregnant I called him because I had a bad idea he was seeing someone... I asked him to be straight with me, I said, "Are you seeing someone, because I need to know. You still tell me you love me all the time and I need to know. If i have to find out some other way, I'm going to feel like a victim", and he replied, "why does it matter that I tell you right now or later?" That reply sent me in to freak out mode, and he hung the phone up on me. I cried, said I was sorry, and then I didn't talk to him for a few days. He eventually sent me a text message, asking if I was alright, but I didn't answer, I really didn't know what to say and was still mad and confused about his response to me asking him about him seeing someone. Two days after that was valentines day and I didn't hear from him, but I knew it was his weekend to have his kids, so I decided to take a babysitting job to try and get a few dollars instead. After I was done babysitting that night, I drove by our old apartment and he wasn't there. At that point, I knew in my stomach where he was. I drove by his wife's, and sure enough, there was his truck parked out side a house with no lights on. I immediately text him never to contact me again, even on his death bed. I didn't hear anything back, and became really sad and scared about what was going to happen to me. I got even more depressed after that and I ended up calling him. I screamed, I yelled, cried, I basically have a nervous breakdown and wanted to kill him (I even went as far as to write a letter of all my confessions of our affair to his wife). His response, was that he thought I had moved on because I didn't answer his text and that he was lonely and wanted to see his kids (yet it was already his weekend to have them?) and he cut off all the bills I had, even my phone and gym, and he added her back on to his accounts instead. I decided that I was going to get an abortion and made it official by going out and getting waisted in a attempt to shead my sorrows. The next week I made an appointment and had the abortion. I'm not going to lie, i felt beyond used, regretted wasting over 2 years of my life with this man and was falling in to a deep dark depression. The worst part is, that I've continued to call him. He told me that he's plan was we get back together with me, until I had acted like I did (my breakdown), and that I can blame it all on my email to my ex. I decided what he had done was an accident and continued talking with him and fighting over his ability to forgive me, and we've been doing this tango for the past 3 months. I have gone, and am continuously going from mad to sad to back to trying to win him back for the past 3 months now. Sometime during this time he started seeing a psychologist and his psych told him that he was a Narcissist and that it sounded like I was a borderlines... the descriptions seemed to match, I went from mad to sad over losing him constantly, and he always seen to be stone cold about my (and everyone around him) feelings.
Last week, after fighting/talking with him and having some wine, I tried to commit suicide again. I downed another 100 Tylenol and went to sleep. I truly, didn't want to exist. Life has become too hard to deal with. I'm taking more classes then normal people can handle (18 units) and have no more friends around me and the worst part was that I was losing the man I loved.. Unfortunately, I workup and I was extremely sick. My body was defiantly poised and I sat there throwing up for hours. Fortunately or unfortunately, my N told my aunt he thought something bad had happened and my aunt came and saw me. She called the cops and I tried to run, but they caught me and I ended up on a stretcher and then the ER. I have somehow let myself become the real life Britney Spears. It was my first time ever staying in a hospital and I had no insurance. Plus, I didn't want to live, so I have become very hateful towards my N and my aunt now too. I was mad my aunt for saving me when I didn't want to be saved, for outrageous hospital bill I now have and for making me miss school by keeping me there.... And I hate my N for never showing up at the hospital, for getting me pregnant and not being there, for leaving me, for not allowing me to get a job, and for talking me in to cutting off all of my friends. I had always prided myself on being the type of girl that "can't be had", the type that would never depend on a man, but I was "had" and I feel like I am left with nothing.
Since this happened, he has stopped taking to me because I can no longer control my emotions. He said that I'm just a borderline and borderlines are "emotion vampires" and sent me this link: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm


So, i guess my questions is, what's happened to me? What happened to the person I use to be? My N has a history of stormy breakups, was I just another one to add to the pile? Was I a borderline this whole time? Am I doomed? And when will this empty feeling go away? Am I going to feel like there's no hope for my life forever? Did I cause the death of my relationship? Tweet