Re: Should I leave because he's codependent?

Gee, 110027,

I'd like to shake your boyfriend's hand for the times he has been gambling-free. That's a real accomplishment for a young person, whether he needed company to do it, or not.

We all need validation, company, especially from those we care for.


Do those who are overcoming addictions have to do it alone, as some kind of a 'test'?


It seems to me that he has had to swallow your bad temper, as well. That might be too much of a burden for him right now...accounting for some of his lapses. Uncertainty in love has driven many back into bad habits.


One self-help author wrote that we must all remember, in an argument, to never put anything on the table that we are not prepared to lose.

For example, if we holler, "If you leave your socks on the bedroom floor one more time, I'm leaving!"

That's a 'deal-breaker'...too much, and inappropriate. I think it may even be manipulative...yanking the carpet out from under a person for an indiscretion that could easily be fixed with a smile and a request.

The partner, once they hear a declaration like that, is then perfectly free to split the relationship, for whatever reason they feel like, simply because the other person suggested it first. The declaration becomes a real 'thing' in the relationship.

In fact, in my opinion, such a declaration breaks the relationship...maybe irrepairably.



I feel you are lucky that he still tells you of his 'failures'. When a person has beaten an addiction, if only for short periods, it takes a very big person to admit any 'failures'...and not see themselves as 'incurable'.


None of us knows everything about another, nor whether or not the relationship will eventually become destructive to one or the other.

But, you've been forewarned. That's a good thing. And he wants to improve, and can. That's another good thing. He seems to have a lot of affection and regard for you...a third good thing.


How about each working on your own admitted 'problems', together? ...Neither depending on the other for 'help'...but receiving encouragement, incentive. (Simply say the words the other hopes to hear. Works best when both are doing it.)

That way, as I see it, you both grow, independently, and maybe see yourselves as individuals, each with proven strengths.

Then, if the occasion arrives where one or the other wishes to split, the other at least has some pride in their own accomplishments, to go on with.

Right now, in my opinion, you both have several excellent things going for you...your abilities to admit mistakes, happy times together, and a willingness to accept some 'failures' as a part of life...patience, I'd call it.

Those are investments in each other.


If you do decide to leave, I would be so happy to hear that you made certain to tell him, before you go, how strong he has been to beat his addiction, even just for periods.

Everyone needs these reassurances...not just the addicted.

And, I'd love to hear that you told him of all the things you have enjoyed from him...even the little things.

That might be enough to sustain him in the rest of his life.


I know the sorrows of disappointment, and break-up. ...And of having to pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and begin all over again...completely alone, and with no confidence or pride in anything I had done well.

In other words, leaving a wreckage behind you...burning the bridges.

It's far better to leave a person standing, with some excellent pride in themselves, and the possibility of a future.


My best wishes,

Fledgling






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