Your last paragraph says it all "I've been told to run the other direction and seek counseling as to why I'm still holding on to this guy." There, quite simply, is your answer.

It's clear that he is a compulsive gambler. Tell me---I'm curious---where does a 23 year old get at least a hundred thousand dollars to gamble away? Is he a trust fund baby? Either way, it's clear that he isn't serious about getting help for his gambling problem. I'm guessing he won't get serious until he's dead broke and has pushed all his loved ones away. Do you want to hang around to see that happen?

Stop making empty threats. Tell him you're going to leave him if he doesn't stop gambling once and for all and then do it if he fails to get help.

Meanwhile, the first step for you should be going to a support group. I know there is al-anon for those who have alcoholics in their lives, naranon for those who have drug addicts in their lives. What I don't know is if there are any similar off-shoots from gamblers anonymous for those who live with compulsive gamblers. Take a look at their website to see what you can find out. Sometimes al-anon works just as well.

Whichever group meetings you attend, you will find out that you can't make him quit. Only he can make the decision to quit. You will also learn that you should never enable him in any way, shape or form.

So---time to move on. Start tomorrow and take that first step (group meetings). Then seek out a good counselor so you can work on being sure you aren't once again attracted to someone like him. Good luck!

My dad did the same thing they are still together but hate each other my mum has lost everything and more, don;t put yourself through the stress, if he truly loved you he would stop making excuses and seek help instead of blaming you. Good luck

Gee, 110027,

I'd like to shake your boyfriend's hand for the times he has been gambling-free. That's a real accomplishment for a young person, whether he needed company to do it, or not.

We all need validation, company, especially from those we care for.


Do those who are overcoming addictions have to do it alone, as some kind of a 'test'?


It seems to me that he has had to swallow your bad temper, as well. That might be too much of a burden for him right now...accounting for some of his lapses. Uncertainty in love has driven many back into bad habits.


One self-help author wrote that we must all remember, in an argument, to never put anything on the table that we are not prepared to lose.

For example, if we holler, "If you leave your socks on the bedroom floor one more time, I'm leaving!"

That's a 'deal-breaker'...too much, and inappropriate. I think it may even be manipulative...yanking the carpet out from under a person for an indiscretion that could easily be fixed with a smile and a request.

The partner, once they hear a declaration like that, is then perfectly free to split the relationship, for whatever reason they feel like, simply because the other person suggested it first. The declaration becomes a real 'thing' in the relationship.

In fact, in my opinion, such a declaration breaks the relationship...maybe irrepairably.



I feel you are lucky that he still tells you of his 'failures'. When a person has beaten an addiction, if only for short periods, it takes a very big person to admit any 'failures'...and not see themselves as 'incurable'.


None of us knows everything about another, nor whether or not the relationship will eventually become destructive to one or the other.

But, you've been forewarned. That's a good thing. And he wants to improve, and can. That's another good thing. He seems to have a lot of affection and regard for you...a third good thing.


How about each working on your own admitted 'problems', together? ...Neither depending on the other for 'help'...but receiving encouragement, incentive. (Simply say the words the other hopes to hear. Works best when both are doing it.)

That way, as I see it, you both grow, independently, and maybe see yourselves as individuals, each with proven strengths.

Then, if the occasion arrives where one or the other wishes to split, the other at least has some pride in their own accomplishments, to go on with.

Right now, in my opinion, you both have several excellent things going for you...your abilities to admit mistakes, happy times together, and a willingness to accept some 'failures' as a part of life...patience, I'd call it.

Those are investments in each other.


If you do decide to leave, I would be so happy to hear that you made certain to tell him, before you go, how strong he has been to beat his addiction, even just for periods.

Everyone needs these reassurances...not just the addicted.

And, I'd love to hear that you told him of all the things you have enjoyed from him...even the little things.

That might be enough to sustain him in the rest of his life.


I know the sorrows of disappointment, and break-up. ...And of having to pick oneself up, dust oneself off, and begin all over again...completely alone, and with no confidence or pride in anything I had done well.

In other words, leaving a wreckage behind you...burning the bridges.

It's far better to leave a person standing, with some excellent pride in themselves, and the possibility of a future.


My best wishes,

Fledgling

I see that this is an old post. I wonder how things are now? But from reading the post, it sound as if you are the codependent one, he is the addict. You enable him and want to fix him, that's why you won't leave. get help for your codependency first.