Re: Abusive wife

Joe---I hope you're still following this thread because I would like to tell you what it was like growing up with an abusive mother.

I can relate to much of your story. My mother was a narcissist, also an alcoholic. She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive, not only to my siblings and me but also towards my father. Day in, day out we were all subjected to verbal attacks. As the oldest child and the only daughter, I took the brunt of it. My father would tell my siblings and me not to argue with her because she would yell at him later and he didn't want that. It was only when I was an adult and married that something my husband said to me gave me a lightbulb moment. He said--in so many words--"Your father was more interested in protecting himself than protecting you kids. His response to your mother was cowardly." We couldn't see that as kids, we only saw it as him being on our side. He would tell us to ignore her, but that is impossible to do.

Being verbally abused on a daily basis takes a toll on a child's psyche. I grew up with poor self-esteem and little self-confidence. My father wasn't blameless in all of this. Not only with not speaking up, but he, too, at times would indulge in verbal abuse. In addition, he was the disciplinarian--we were often hit with the belt.

I went to college despite my mother constantly telling me that no college would ever accept me and my father telling me that he fully expected me to flunk out after one semester. However, I did get my degree. During college, I would find myself attracted to men who were alcoholics and were verbally abusive. You see, when a child is subjected to verbal abuse, that child grows up thinking that s/he deserves it. My mother would tell me while she was being abusive, that she was being kind and that when I got into the real world, people would say even worse things to me. So, therefore, when I came across verbally abusive people, my mother's words rang in my ears.

My brothers didn't fare much better. The older of the two is married and has a child. This brother is also a depressed alcoholic and pot user. Amazingly, he has kept a steady job. While he provides for his family, he pays little attention to his child which has caused problems for the child.

The younger brother had ADHD. Back then, there was no special ed for such children so it was up to the parents. He never really got what he needed to succeed from them and was socially promoted out of high school. He was allowed to be rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible since my mother treated him differently due to his learning disability and my father never had the guts to speak out against that. This brother drifted through life going from job to job, never having the sense to hold on to a good job when he got one. He got into a relationship with an unstable woman and had 2 kids. She was verbally and physically abusive to the kids and, to my brother's credit, he fought for custody when they broke up and did win custody. He married a good woman who is like a mother to those kids. However, they lived in that toxic environment so long that it left them emotionally damaged.

As others pointed out, your wife my have physical problems that are contributing to her behavior and that should be looked into. I'm a firm believer in doing all you can to save a marriage but if your wife won't cooperate, then it is time for you to divorce and fight for custody of the kids.

First, your wife should have a complete physical exam. If nothing is found that is the cause of her behavior, then she should get some counseling. Just note, that she may go to counseling but no one can make her stick to it and do the required work. My mother went to counseling a few times and it was always the same---3 or 4 sessions and then she would quit. If your wife refuses to follow those steps, then start documenting her behavior towards you and the kids. Then find a good lawyer and fight for your kids. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it in the long run? Yes. I don't suggest this lightly. Studies have shown that kids want their parents together rather than apart. However, there comes a time when kids need to be taken out of toxic environments for the sake of their long-term emotional and physical health.

Please don't let your kids down. Find the courage to do the right thing. Times are different now. When we grew up in the 60s, judges would, as a rule, automatically give custody of the kids to the mother in divorce cases. So much has changed since then. Looking back, that may have been one reason my father didn't divorce. He had a failed marriage (he was married to another abusive alcoholic). When he divorced, he lost custody of his son who was eventually adopted by his step father.

So---please take steps to either work with your wife to improve the situation or get out of the marriage and fight for custody of your kids. You and your kids deserve so much better! Tweet