Hi there,

Its just my bias, but whenever I hear of someone having extreme mood swings and aggression, the first thing I think of is parasites and/or a fungal infection and maybe some mercury poisening thrown in. Has she been on psych meds for her depression? If so, she's likely to have some issues with digestion and elimination which usually end up causing fungal and parastical infestation. Maybe you guys together can do some cleansing routines which are detailed here on Curezone. I'm sure it will help her Depression too, and that might be a way of introducing the idea to her.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Its really not good for the kids and you to be in this situation. I would definitely talk to a counsellor about this if you are able. Good luck.

has she always been abusive? does she feel guilty afterwards. you might want to ask yourself if she is on birthcontrol pills or the mirena iud. your post reminded me of how my husband felt in the past. it took me 11 years to figure out my birth control choices had been the root of most of my mental/physical problems. i used to have rages, i never physically hurt anyone but there were times i knew i could have really hurt someone without a second thought. one night i googled mirena iud. i found that forum in curezone, it literally saved my life. it was supposed to have no side effects. doctors lied. my mind and body went to crap. i suggest you look in the mirena iud forum if your wife is on any type of hormonal birth control. my marriage went straight to h***. my husband did not believe me when i told him that my hormones being out of whack were the source of my problems. i almost committed suicide the day i went to punch my three year old for acting 3. i hated myself and didnt know why. doctors do not warn us about the true side effects!!! YOU ARE NOT A WIMP!! chances are she is not happy with herself either. little girls dream of wanting to be mommies and good wives. the mirena iud forum is very informative on estrogen dominance. i just posted the other day in there about progestin birth controls stop the natural progesterone in your body. the synthetic progestins actually thin the myelin sheath around the cells in your brain. that is the fatty lining that protects your cells or something like that. please look if she is on a hormonal birth control. kids do not deserve to be yelled at. i know i used to yell at mine all the time. i never spanked them because i was scared i might lose my temper but i yelled ALOT! i also was bi polar and schizophrenic. i am now finally recovering from having mirena removed. six months later. i dont know if this will help, but i never imagined that birth control could have been the culprit in a million years. my husband says i am a totally different person now. i am very calm, cool, and collected now. i hardly ever raise my voice to my children. and i am finally the wife and mother i have always wanted to be.
you asked the question if you should stay or go. you should not leave your children in that situation. you are their father, you are to protect their mind and body. they are little and have no voice. it is your obligation as their father to be their voice and protector. sometimes i ask myself what i would tell a friend to do in my situation, and that helps me make a decision.

Thank god we are making the connections that some of your wifes issues can be physiological!!! Yeah!

However what abuse comes down on the broadest scale is that these people are missing a set of coping tools. More importantly they never learned how to CO-OPERATE for the wellfare of the group (family) - it's all about her and she is demanding that you and your kids comfort her (even if it's indirectly). But she does not really "see" you guy's (yes, the kids as well). it's not registering in her mind that she has any duty to you and the kids in regards to what is emotionally comfortable or not to you all.

Did her parent's ever teach her how to co-operate? This goes beyond the basic "share your toy's" stuff! Did she ever really learn to see others as her equal? You see this in society all the time ---me, me, me, our country, our country, etc...

The core principle being violated is that of "democracy" ---the value that you all are equals on a team and must co-operate. No ones person's comfort is more important than another. No empires, no mini dictatorships, no ruling the roost, and so on, but rather co-operation and assisting others. Your wife needs to learn what democracy looks like so she can know when she is over stepping boundries, as well as learn what is expected of her. Chances are she does not want to be the tyrant she is, she just doesn't know how to do things any differently.

By the way please don't outright call her a tyrant in a moment of anger. But rather sit her down and have a talk and describe her actions out so that she can see what it defines. This helps you communicate without losing your own self respect and values.

Are the communication lines open in your home? You need to talk with her. She might not even be aware of her thinking patterns....

If you have gotten this out in the open, but she is having a hard time accepting that she has been violating her family, she might listen to someone else and then be able to take responsibility for her lack of respect. You would then need to find persons that she might respond to that already UNDERSTANDS the values of democracy. I mean if you go to a person that does not even see the core issue, they can not teach her anything and help your family. Unfortunately there are TONS of "counselors" out there that have little clue ---they have all this training in technics etc, yet they are really clueless about what causes violence in the first place. They can be just like doctors that have been so indoctrinated they can no longer see the forest through the trees. Don't let degrees be the measuring point of what works and what does not. But I digress. Know when to walk away from counselors that make matters worse. There are good ones though, and sometimes pivotal figures are not counselors at all. You're looking for anything or person that can help her learn a new concept. It can be a book, a blog, a community group and so on.

Other places you might check are the hospitals in the area's to see if they have have any class's for families (even the state has helpful class's that teach basic co-operation and democracy principles). Call the person that conducts the class and ask them what their guiding principle is. You will find that the different class teachers (or others in other places to) want conformity to one particular system or another. For example religious people will simply want your family to conform to doctrine whether this has anything to do with health or not. Anyway be careful of who you seek any help from. People talk big all the time, but when you strip away their b.s. and get down to what they believe and practice do they believe in democracy or are they basically pretty blind. I mean the ONLY way your wife will respond to you in kind is if she can learn that you and the kids also have a right to emotional comfort in the home(emotional support from her too).

But dude, if she can not respond and correct her problem you WILL be subjecting yourself and the kids to a great injustice. AND frankly she does not deserve "the right to be a tyrant". You have to stand up against what is wrong. And you have to know that your children will be suffering neglect. If your wife ends up impacting any one of these kids deeply, your child will hold YOU to blame as well. Do you want to risk loosing a relationship with a child later on down the road because you did not stand up for them? You can't just think of fleeting emotions here (not to understate anything). You have to take a stand and get your wife to understand within a quick period of time, that she is violating you and your children's rights to decency. Believe it or not, this is a human rights issue. Take it seriously and don't get side tracked by rough emotions.

If she does not learn right quick - LEAVE HER. Yes that would mean you would see your kids less, but you CAN adjust. You can and must move on to a more productive life. Your kids will also eventually understand, all you have to do is make sure that you listen to and love your children. Take care of yourself and your kids!

I don't mean to assume you don't realize any of this, if I have assumed anything wrongly, my deepest apologies.

Hope your day is a good one.

Joe---I hope you're still following this thread because I would like to tell you what it was like growing up with an abusive mother.

I can relate to much of your story. My mother was a narcissist, also an alcoholic. She was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive, not only to my siblings and me but also towards my father. Day in, day out we were all subjected to verbal attacks. As the oldest child and the only daughter, I took the brunt of it. My father would tell my siblings and me not to argue with her because she would yell at him later and he didn't want that. It was only when I was an adult and married that something my husband said to me gave me a lightbulb moment. He said--in so many words--"Your father was more interested in protecting himself than protecting you kids. His response to your mother was cowardly." We couldn't see that as kids, we only saw it as him being on our side. He would tell us to ignore her, but that is impossible to do.

Being verbally abused on a daily basis takes a toll on a child's psyche. I grew up with poor self-esteem and little self-confidence. My father wasn't blameless in all of this. Not only with not speaking up, but he, too, at times would indulge in verbal abuse. In addition, he was the disciplinarian--we were often hit with the belt.

I went to college despite my mother constantly telling me that no college would ever accept me and my father telling me that he fully expected me to flunk out after one semester. However, I did get my degree. During college, I would find myself attracted to men who were alcoholics and were verbally abusive. You see, when a child is subjected to verbal abuse, that child grows up thinking that s/he deserves it. My mother would tell me while she was being abusive, that she was being kind and that when I got into the real world, people would say even worse things to me. So, therefore, when I came across verbally abusive people, my mother's words rang in my ears.

My brothers didn't fare much better. The older of the two is married and has a child. This brother is also a depressed alcoholic and pot user. Amazingly, he has kept a steady job. While he provides for his family, he pays little attention to his child which has caused problems for the child.

The younger brother had ADHD. Back then, there was no special ed for such children so it was up to the parents. He never really got what he needed to succeed from them and was socially promoted out of high school. He was allowed to be rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible since my mother treated him differently due to his learning disability and my father never had the guts to speak out against that. This brother drifted through life going from job to job, never having the sense to hold on to a good job when he got one. He got into a relationship with an unstable woman and had 2 kids. She was verbally and physically abusive to the kids and, to my brother's credit, he fought for custody when they broke up and did win custody. He married a good woman who is like a mother to those kids. However, they lived in that toxic environment so long that it left them emotionally damaged.

As others pointed out, your wife my have physical problems that are contributing to her behavior and that should be looked into. I'm a firm believer in doing all you can to save a marriage but if your wife won't cooperate, then it is time for you to divorce and fight for custody of the kids.

First, your wife should have a complete physical exam. If nothing is found that is the cause of her behavior, then she should get some counseling. Just note, that she may go to counseling but no one can make her stick to it and do the required work. My mother went to counseling a few times and it was always the same---3 or 4 sessions and then she would quit. If your wife refuses to follow those steps, then start documenting her behavior towards you and the kids. Then find a good lawyer and fight for your kids. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it in the long run? Yes. I don't suggest this lightly. Studies have shown that kids want their parents together rather than apart. However, there comes a time when kids need to be taken out of toxic environments for the sake of their long-term emotional and physical health.

Please don't let your kids down. Find the courage to do the right thing. Times are different now. When we grew up in the 60s, judges would, as a rule, automatically give custody of the kids to the mother in divorce cases. So much has changed since then. Looking back, that may have been one reason my father didn't divorce. He had a failed marriage (he was married to another abusive alcoholic). When he divorced, he lost custody of his son who was eventually adopted by his step father.

So---please take steps to either work with your wife to improve the situation or get out of the marriage and fight for custody of your kids. You and your kids deserve so much better!

I recently ran across a website called timthacker.org. I purchased an ebook from the site called Life Overcoming, which is about the author of the site. Anyway, his story is amazingly similar to yours. Almost exact. Are you that guy?

Tell your wife that she must agree to marriage counseling or you are leaving. Then, if she refuses, take the kids and go. Find childcare for them. Make HER sue you to get them back. Document the abuse- date, time, what happened. Keep a record of it. If she won't get help, don't let your kids endure this w/ her. If you leave w/ the kids, it may shock her into getting help. Just my thoughts.

Esoterica