Have you ever gotten to the point where you just can't do it anymore?

Let me preface this by saying I am not suicidal - I have way too much to live for. Back in the early days of my illness, long before I knew what wrong and what I was up against, I was so incredibly ill, I mean near the point of dying ill, that I prayed constantly for death. I told God that if this was what my life was going to be like, to please let me die instead of exisiting in a living hell. I won't go into the long sob story of my battle, but obviously I didn't die. Most of you old timers here know me and know my endless drama, so no need to rehash it again.

I have just reached the saturation point. I am beyond saturated and sick to death of reading every single #@#^%&$ candida article or treatment plan or "cure" I can get my hands on. I'm sick of researching this thing like I'm beating a dead horse. I'm tired of popping pills and dealing with assinine, a-hole doctors who have the sensitivity capacity of a terrorist and so little comprehension of candida and how it affects the body, that I couldn't fill a thimble with their knowledge.

I'm tired of being broke trying to get well. I'm tired of putting my husband, who is the only reason I choose to live, through this endless nightmare. I'm tired of seeing the endless look of worry on his face, the helplessness written all over him because he doesn't know how to help me, and can't relate fully because he can't understand what I am going through, because thank GOD, he is not going through it himself.

I'm tired of the fact that this f'ing disease (and it is a disease) has robbed me of my chance to conceive children, has taken away the last 13 years of my life, that having sex with my husband, the love of my life feels like I am having acid poured between my legs, and the constant pain I am in 24/7 all over my body and the fact that I walk like I'm an old woman trapped in a 42 year old's body. I'm tired of trying treatment after cure after treatment (so many that I cannot even list them all here), only to have NONE of them work. I'm sick of having to follow a diet that could barely keep a ground squirrel alive, let alone *gasp* dare I say, enjoy something "forbidden" to eat? I remember when I used to fantasize about romance novel type of scenarios. Now my fantasies involve being able to have a food on the "forbidden" list and not suffering the consequences from it. My, how times have changed.

I have been living through this unending nightmare for the past 13 G-damn years and I am sick to f'ing death of this unfairness. And tonight I think was my breaking point. Unfortunately, I have a new gynocologist, who has common sense of a baby sticking his wet finger in a light socket. From the first time I met him last week, I told him straight out that I had systemic candida. It was like crickets chirping in a theatre. Not one word, surprisingly. And yet again, I have another BV infection. I knew it was either BV or yeast, because I have had either of them non-stop for years now. So despite me telling him that I have S.C. he proceeds to give me Flagyl for it - an antibiotic. HELLOOOOO????!!! Have you not heard a word I said, Einstein?!!! Out of desperation, I took one. I had horrible side effects so there was no way in hell I was going to take another. I call him this afternoon, knowing the answering service would answer. They take my message that I need something different and I await his return call. The answering service lady calls me back saying that he told her to tell me he is out of town and will call me Monday. W T F?!!!!! What a liar! The man has pregant patients waiting to pop and is in a singular, private practice. He has no other doctor on call who can help me? You ladies out there know what I'm talking about. Imagine living with the most painful burning possible you can imagine for 3 additional days with no help or relief. My doctor is an insensitive, lying a-hole. I hate doctors! This whole experience from the time I first got sick so long ago up until now has only confirmed this. I have been treated so horribly by doctors who think they are so superior and can't be "bothered" by you. Before last week, I hadn't even been to a medical doctor in years, because I washed my hands of them. This experience only confirms my beliefs. I only went to him because I am infertile and have not been able to conceive, I feel due to the candida.

I just needed to vent because I know you all know what I am going through. I cry all the time now. To make matters worse, my husband will be leaving for Iraq in a few months and will be gone for a year. This has only added to my misery and I cannot even imagine how I'm going to get through this. I just don't know how much strength I have left. I am soooooo incredibly drained and tired and fed up. I just want a normal life again. It's been so long since I was well that honest to God, I cannot remember what it feels like to not feel sick. That scares the hell out of me. Why does God let good people suffer so? What have I/we done so terrible in our lives that we are made to suffer endlessly? I just don't understand and I worry that I'm losing my faith not only in God, but in humanity as well. Thanks for letting me vent. I am so angry right now that I just needed to let off some steam.

Kir