My story: suspected abuse coming out (long!)

Hi everyone,

What a great forum! I was apalled at the lack of resources once I started looking and quite relieved to see a place such as this in operation.

Anyway, my story. I am 25 years old. My entire life, I have perceived my dad to be a "creepy" guy. When I was pre-school age, there was lots of "love pats" to bare inner thighs, kisses with just a little too much slobber and creepy stares that unnerved me, long before I knew what sex was. In general, I was always just very antsy around him, reluctant to hug and especially kiss him (even typing it makes me shudder.) Most notably, I've always had a TON of anxiety related to his mouth, even finding it difficult to watch him eat.

As I got older, there remained a few inappropriate instances: for instance, in my preteen years, I remember him once telling me, "this is how your dates will kiss you one day," and grabbing me, bending down to kiss me open mouthed with my chin cupped in his hand. I broke away and ran away crying. Another time when I was about 7, I crawled into bed between my parents (as kids tend to do) and he reached over and "patted" me high on my inner thigh, grazing my genitals. That time, I thought, Aha! I knew something was going on, this is it.. now I'm going to tell. But I didn't. When I thought about it, I don't know for sure if he meant to do that. That's the thing: it was all so nonspecific. Another time, around the age of 11 or so, I had a very disturbing dream in which my dad bent me back, kissed my bare stomach, and whispered "make love" in my ear. Needless to say, I woke up nearly beside myself but relieved that it was just a dream.

As years passed, I began to feel safer around my dad though to this day, I'm still edgy at times. Once I got older, he continued to be fairly inappropriate with my friends, which was often dismissed as a joke (I neglect to mention that he is in his 80's and still very healthy.) For example, he was not above grabbing my teenage friend's butt and telling my best friend that he'd like to "give her a real, grown-up kiss." By the time I hit college, I was like OK, I feel safe, maybe he's a bit of a dirty old man, but I don't feel truly threatened.

During my teen years, my mom opened a daycare center in my childhood home. Never, EVER in my wildest dreams did I think my dad could hurt anyone else, even though I never let go of the possibility that he may have hurt me. Well, guess what, a couple of years into it, a little girl in the daycare turns up with chronic bladder infections. I'm a nurse, and when my mom told me this, my FIRST THOUGHT was, oh my God, I hope dad's not abusing her. But I pushed this out of my mind as best I could, and pretty soon, guess what.. the little girl accuses my dad. The case was supposed to go to civil court but never made it to trial: the prosecutor did not feel he had suffficient evidence. My mom insists that the little girl must have lied about the perp's identity. She was 3 and had just lost her biological dad in a car accident, so she clearly had some troubles at the time. It's well established that abuse occured but unclear to me (and everyone else) if it was my dad or not.

When my mom told me that my dad was accused, I was pregnant with my son. My first thought (darn those first thoughts) was "oh, so this must be why God made my baby a boy.. to protect him." I feel horrible that this innocent child may have been victimized because I didn't say anything. But was there anything to be said???? I have no idea what happened, all I have is my own observations and gut instincts. I don't feel that I can talk about it, because my dad is up in years and I no longer feel threatened by him. Moreover it would KILL my mom. What do you all think, does it sound like something occured here.. to me, to anyone?

The really cruel irony is that I'm a SANE/FNE.... how's that for laughs... but I'd really appreciate any input.