For SMOOTHIEE - o/t

Hi Smoothiee:)

U know, we all want what we don't have... We can't choose our parents - they are given to us FOR A REASON... My parents were divorsed when I was just 5 and I am the only child in a family. When I was a child (esp teenager) I had plenty of quarrels with my mum for silly reasons actually. Some ppl are calm by their nature, some quite impulsive and emotional. My mum and I were not that calm at all - we were not comparable when time came to clear up something or had an argument. I had an aunty who was very understanding and supportive. She always understood me and had the right word in a right time. I always told her - WHY are u not my mum?.. Don't get me wrong here. My mum loved me a lot, cared and was ready to die for me but.. she just was not good at psyhological part of mother/ daughter relationship. When I was about 13-14 and had first signs of attention from guys - I told her.. I wanted to share it with her (and, may be, get a support or advice). But my mother (during THOSE times) made a mistake which she regreted for up till now (I am 32). During almost every quarrel she turned what I had said to her against me. 'Look at her, some guys paid attention to her. But what they would say if they saw ur not tidy room (stuff like that)'.. 'If you bring a child without father.... if u catch a sexual desease.... if// if.. if... God, I even didn't know a lot of details how to catch that something.. I even disn't date anyone those days (I sat at home).... I didn't hate her.. I didn't.. but may be didn't love her that much... I had NO RIGHTS to hate my mum simply because SHE WAS THE ONE WHO GAVE ME A BIRTH and SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK CARE OF ME, WHO FED ME, WHO GAVE ME A ROOF...How could I have hated her??... Yes, she was the one who never accepted she was wrong, she was ALWAYS right even if it was OBVIOUS another way round... It happened only once when she said sorry. It was not face to face though - it was in writing when I studied in another city. You can't belive it - I walked down the street and cried (because it was VERY FIRST time when my mum said sorry even in this form)..... When I entered Institute to get high education in the hotel management, it happend that we chose very expensive education and my mum was A REAL STAR (!) when she paid for my education. I didn't get ANY help from my father (whom I consider just my biological one)but my MUM... she used all possible ways to find money. She asked all rich and not that rich ppl she knew personally to give her money just for the time being and then if she was not on time to give that money back then she ask another ones for 2-3 months and so on. She was about to 'turn inside out' just to ghive her the only child what she could or at least had potentials. May be we not always understood each other on a day to day level but AS A MOTHER she was just BRILLIANT and still is!.. We cannot choose our parents and we all want them to be perfect but the reality is - it is inpossible and, may be, no point in it. Also are we good or even perfect enough in all situations with our parents (and others) to expect too much from them?... We are not.... and we will never be. But we can learn something from life on a daily basis and try to improve something in ourselves. Trying to look at ourself like from outside or ask others about a feedback..... Also such experiences with not understanding each other, or experiencing something unpleasant from our parents make up to realize or decide for ourselves that YOU WON'T BEHAVE THAT WAY WITH OTHERS OR UR OWN CHILDREN BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS.. Does it make sense?

When you are young u think u know the life and your behavoir is just right but belive me, Smoothiee, when u hit age like 25-30 (or may be even later in ur life when u have ur own children) u will look at the situation like in ur case with ur father in a completely different way. Just give it time and u will see I was right:))

Smoothie, DON'T hate ur father. It is a bad feeling. Yes, your father is not perfect but ARE YOU? Do u always behave properly urself (be honest to urself at least)?.. In each person there is something which prevents him or her to confess that they were wrong (like it is in my mum's case).. Do not wait until ur father make a first step to ur (mutual) understanding. Be the one! It is said that wisdom comes with age but sometimes age comes by itself... Ask him out for a beer or just sit in the kitchen and tell him HOW U FEEL about ur constant misunderstandings and quarrels.. Try to use more words like I FEEL, it seems to me... DON'T say something offensive.. chose ur words very carefully (and ALWAYS do). Just try to break the ais between two of u. I quess it will take a bit more time for both of u to be closer and be friends but it WORTH to give it a try! May be (I am pretty sure) he also want to be closer to u but he can't think of ways to make it happen:).. Remember expression about wisdom and age? So here is the chanse to prove ones again that that expression DOES make sence and it can be true;):D

Nadia