Re: how can I release this one?

"But it's like, although I've felt often frustrated with him for not being listened to as much as I wanted, I don't think I ever seriously doubted of myself. That I am overweight talks of disempowerment though, so there is maybe something there bigger than I think."

Serafina, so this is a (very) brief detail about myself. I have been physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally abused...by myself, as well as men I have been involved with. The surprising detail though that came to me through a conversation with a friend was that I did these things to myself, as well. My physical abuse was to allow myself to become overweight and 'unattractive physically'. I carry myself with 'cockiness'...well, did... so that others could not see my 'pain'. Now, until I had that conversation with my friend, I did not see what I did. It was all unconscious. My unconscious mind was terrified of men seeing me as attractive because then they would 'harm' me. The other abuses I did also. I realized when I tired of myself 'beating myself up', I picked a man who would do it for me.

The biggest thing was my weight on where I disempowered myself. It was due to me not feeling worthy of loving myself or for that matter being loved. I can assure you, it was not Ever conscious, unless I was in the throes of an azz whippin', from the (all around) abusive relationship. Then I would eat or drink to numbness.

As I mentioned, a brief note :D.

It took me a long time to understand that I have something around me, in me, that I have Power to assist others in my life. Yet, sometimes in this moment, still, I feel insecure, which takes my Power from Me. I did not see that I felt disempowered until I took a look around me and what I was allowing into my body and surroundings. It was unconscious. Therefore, until I began consciously stating my thoughts, I had no idea.

"What I think is that my uncertain physicality is caused by my life-long unhappiness of being on Earth, as far as I know I've always wanted to go away. It's been like this until a few weeks ago, when some sacred plants here in Mexico unexpectedly told me things that took me back here."

IMO, I think what happens is we 'forget' why we agreed to come here on Earth, in the first place. Our existence does not resonate with our 'purpose' that we chose. We feel 'empty' so why stay and be here? Until we REmember what we chose to come here for, it seems easier to just leave. When we become aware that we have been unaware and desire to find what we have hidden for so long, things come to us and REmind us. At that time, (most often) we have much work to change our thoughts that we have allowed to 'run the show' for so long. It can be done instantly...or not...as you choose. The sacred plants knew you were ready and thus, you found the reason to be back 'here'.

"Maybe I give emphasis to physical presence more than others because I'm a visual artist, and I want myself to be the first of my works of art (as any other visual artist does, consciously or not)"

If you emphasize your physical presence, due to you being your first work of art, then do what you must to become what you desire. It is not always an easy task yet begin it. It is as the saying goes "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step." Decide what it is you desire. Then begin with the first step.

I am sorry I did not have questions this time :D. I 'felt' the need for a little identifying. I hope it helps as well as having you question what is, in this moment.

Peace,
Beth