Re:

Hi Trysten,

I just got to read through this and am very sympathetic. And also glad that you are keeping a sense of humor despite this difficult situation! It does sound to me like you are in a frustrating situation; you have some clarity, probably because he is not your own child so to speak, but as the non-parent you don't have the final voice of authority, even though your analysis and ideas about all the problems you see are on target.

I had a few thoughts about the situation. The first is about the epilepsy issue. I would do some research on Sugar and seizues, because there is definitely a connection. Although the seizure was scary for you all, armed with the proper information, you could request a sit-down meeting with his mother and go over some food guidelines. She may be the mother, but since you have him 5 of the 7 days a week, you do have a right to set rules and no-no's when it comes to anything she does that will affect your parenting of him. I would be as loving about it as possible, and keep it in the interest of his health alone, but the message must be, "He has had a severe symptom of a health problem, and the most important thing we can do for him is to improve his diet." There is a diet called the ketogenic diet which is high-fat, virtually no carbs on which people with seizures are placed when they don't respond to medication. i.e. removing sugars from people's lives can stop seizures. It is really important (also for his beahviour and success in school) that he eat well because a child who is overfed (on candy, carbs, sugars, etc.) yet undernourished cannot focus or learn or interact with others properly. Feeding a high-empty-carbs diet to a child is tantamount to child abuse, in my opinion.

I have similar problems getting my children to eat sometimes. They are just not big eaters. Of course they would go for treats or white bread, etc. if they could, but we jsut don't keep that stuff around (I get tempted, too -- IMO, Sugar is one of the most powerful addictions there is, and I have been around the block a few times with being addicted to things!) What I have to do is hold firm and say, "This is what we are serving/having, and if you don't like it then you'll have to wait until the next mealtime (or snacktime)." I will always have things around like carrots or apples with a nut butter, etc. that they can and often will eat, but sometimes it gets to be a test of wills and I just have to remember that feeding them crap is actually worse for them then not feeding them at all (in the short term of course). I feed them little enough sugar/s that I can really see what happens when they do eat it, and it scares me -- they really do go through that happy, give-me-more stage, then get over-excited and then get cranky and crash. (We go through this at my mother-in-law's, birthday parties, etc. -- my goal is always to feed them about 80% "healthy" food and then to let go of the rest, so to speak -- in the sense that there are going to be some situations where I can't control what is served and I don't want to be critical of others (who jsut do not know or care about good nutrition) -- but it is always frustrating to me.

I do think you need to sit down with his mom and have this conversation. Basically, if he gets to have candy all the time he is being abused over time. Sugar addiction is very similar to any other in that a craving sets in and consumption becomes uncontrollable. (This is why people eat bags of Oreos, say, at a time -- but never a lot of fats at a time.) One thing you have to do is break the addiction to the sugars by offering good fats and proteins consistently. Is he of normal weight?

A 4-year-old is old enough to help cook, and though I know it is difficult to get home from a long day and then cook, it might be worth it if it helped him to feel involved, responsible, etc. Eating something you have made or helped make is really fun for children. When you said he likes McDonald's, I wondered if maybe you could get some ground beef and make homemade burgers, for instance. Or make french fries at home in coconut oil.

I just try to have an ideal of what I would do given the time, money, and cooperation from my children -- and to have some acceptable alternatives to that ideal that I can fall back on. It certainly makes it easier when there is no crap to eat around the house, which means that I prepare healthy snacks and meals. And at some point, you have to trust the child to eat what they need -- I remember reading about a study in college that said children given the choice of healhy v. unhealthy foods over time will begin to choose the healthier ones...as parents, we do have to trust each of our children's higher powers, too. Do all that you can and turn over the rest.

I try to follow the Weston A. Price food guidelines, which places an emphasis on high-quality fats and protein, good vegetables, etc. whole grains, etc. And I believe that a healthy Diet has paid off for us in not having to go to the doctor a lot -- there is such a correlation between diet and health, and children today tend to be constantly sick because of poor diet (c.f. all the medications they are placed on).

And I admire you for being gracious about his mother, although to me she sounds like someone who is not capable of taking care of herself (welfare, the fact that you all have the little boy so much during the week). I mean, what is it that she does that she could not take care of him so your BF could get some sleep? It sounds like you are a real blessing to each and all of them, and I hope your progress is steady and forward with all of this.

Best wishes, and let us know how it goes --

Laura Tweet