You are not crazy..you are on the road

I hope that I am very clear on what I'm about to write. I think your post deserves that.

My husband #1 (18-26) was abusive, violent, angry, scary.

My husband #2 (27-now) is sweet, not very aggressive, extremely intellectual. I'm a very strong woman...extremely so. My husband now sort of prefers I take the reins. It's the way I like it, and apparently the way he does. For a long time I'd be unsatisfied with him thinking I'd rather be a stronger man. At the end of the day, after all these years (I'm 51 now) I realized he was the best of all husbands for me. Perhaps we haven't had fire, but I had enough fire in my youth to consume most people. It's tiresome.

It's taken me a number of years to really appreciate what I have. So I work very hard on making sure he does win battles that are important to him. And that I am as kind to him as humanly possible. And in turn he is devoted, honest, faithful and loves me very much. How much can you ask for in a marriage? I respect him a lot for his intelligence, and I really love him for his gentleness and even temper. He has proved to be strong in a very different way than most would think a man should be. You don't have to be macho and confrontational to be "strong".

For the most part, I am the alpha in the family, and make most decisions. I have no idea what I would do with a really strong man that challenged me continuously. I don't think I am suited to that type of guy. And yes, you need to use your intelligence and compassion to not "eat a good man up". But if you appreciate this person, then you will show them due consideration.

Don't let anybody tell you that fire needs fire. Actually, a fiery person needs a gentle rain. It's the oldest story in the book, they say you need a strong man to do what? To put you in your place because why? Because you are "too strong" as a woman. Oh puleeeze.

And forget the mirrors and reflections and all of that. The only thing you need is someone who appreciates you for who you are, and who you respect for who they are. You must experience love and passion at the beginning, because it is that feeling that carries on through a really good, long lasting marriage. I'm not saying the passion specifically holds, but you can always draw on this if necessary. Sometimes you need to go back to the beginning so that when there are times of unsatisfaction, you have something to remember why you are with this person in the first place.

I suppose you could find a man who is strong and well channeled. The best is to find an equal that communicates well, and is not angry. The absolute best is to find your best friend.

Look for happiness, fun, enjoyment and intellectual stimulation. Run from those men that are negative and controlling. It really takes time to get to know a man. I always give my friends new relationships 8 months. It seems like 8 months is when everyone stops being on their best behavior and you really get a taste of that other person. Until that time, enjoy new relationships, don't get too crazy with "serious" issues, laugh a lot. It will hit you pretty fast whether this one is a keeper. If you don't feel that tug of attraction, it's not something you can force or will "just eventually happen".

Good for you trying to break old cycles of abuse. You are on the path.....keep walking!!

Molly




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