Re: I am often confused (Warning: *very* sensitive material)

I don't have much to add--just wanted to say, good for you for working with a therapist to try and sort things out! As one who grew up with a verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive mother who was an alcoholic to boot, I know that when you become an adult it's hard to know what is considered normal or dysfunctional in a relationship. In college, I was attracted to men who treated me badly, and looking back, some I suspect were alcoholics. My husband was the first man to treat me decently. On our first date, he brought me a gift. He showed up with a shopping bag and it didn't even occur to me that it was something for me! When I think back, I realized that I dodged a bullet by not entering into a long-term relationship with someone who treated me badly.

So, for me, I grew up thinking that an abusive environment was normal. After all, my mother and father both told us that we weren't being abused. Kids who were abused were the ones badly injured, maimed or killed by their parents. So when our father beat us with the belt hard enough to raise welts, that--according to my parents--was nothing.

In your case, you have two things to sort out: 1) How much of your behavior was learned by watching your parents? What negative aspects do you need to work on changing? and 2) How much does your upbringing figure into what types of men you are attracted to? Think back to how these men treated you and how much of it reminds you of what went on as a child.

Best of luck to you! And, once again, good for you for working towards positive change. It's time to break the cycle! Tweet