Re: a whiner

You totally described my 3 1/2 year old daughter (born in June 04'). My husband seriously thought that I wrote what you wrote. I was a totally strict evil Ezzo parent with my first child and hated every minute of it, so I went to the other extreme. It is not really all that bad as I was never totally strict (too soft hearted) and I do provide some boundaries for my children. But, I am a total softie.

I have a whiner for a child. One thing, after talking to many moms, I realize that my child is whiny like most children her age. And, most girls are whiny as well. I am shocked at the number of children (girls) who have moms that comment on how much they whine. I wonder some days if she can talk. A couple of things to remember - please take this seriously as I have prayed through this and it might help your situation.

1. She is only 3 1/2 years old. I sometimes think that we expect too much from children this age. They are stuck between the baby world where they cried to communicate every need and the more understanding kindergarten age where proper communication can happen. I personally think that really young children are frustrated at the world and just have melt downs. It is so much for young children to process, they have to be frustrated. Imagine that you were a three year old for one day. I wouldn't like being a little person in a big world.

2. The only talk to mommy in a nice voice, in my opinion, is a great idea - for much older children. I have an older son, kindergarten, who understands more so that he needs to talk to me nicely. But, a three year old should not have to figure out how to talk in a nice way. She should be told! I have my daughter repeat a nicer way after me. I tell her to say "mommy, may I please have some juice." This is much less frustrating than having to say "mommy doesn't listen to whining." I know she would eventually figure out how to get juice by asking nicely. The girl is three - try that on a seven year old. If you did AP parenting then you are probably a softie so this approach would be easier. This is a middle road because I am not giving into her demands and I am helping her communicate properly.

3. Your daughter is struggling for independance, but is probably scared. It is extremely frustrating. Especially since, as a parent, you are embarassed that you dress your child when they should be able too. I know what other people say, and your daughter can do these things, she just needs encouragement. My child is not potty trained and has no interest at all. I just let it be, even though it is obvious that my very old three year old is in diapers. She will not always be in diapers. Your daughter will be able to dress herself one day. Stop focusing on time lines, and start focusing on your daughter. You didn't need a book or other people to tell you how to raise your daughter when she was a baby. My daughter threw a fit because I would not dress her. I keep thinking, you are three - dress yourself! But, I meet her halfway. She puts on her pants and I put on her shirt.

4. If you have to do things for your child when she wants you too - do it. Don't be frustrated It is AP parenting vs. the other parenting again. When you are told to not pick up your baby because their needs are illegitimate, did you listen or did you stick with AP? Why is responding to the needs of your three-year-old any more illegitmate. When your three year old says that she needs help in a certain area, do you listen to your daughter, or what other people say that your daughter needs to do. Trust yourself a little more. Give her help, but meet her halfway. Help her pick up her toys, help her brush her teeth. "mommy will brush the top, you brush the bottom." The trick is to let her be dependant and encourage independance at the same time. Kids at this age need to be pushed to be independant, but not too far beyond their comfort level - the world is a scary place. To combat defiance give her more control in her life. "Do you want the purple toothpaste, or the green toothpaste?" " Do you want to brush the bottom and mommy brush the top, or mommy brush the bottom and you brush the top."

5. Encourage independance in areas that she does not demand help in. One of the best ways to encouage independance and confidence. Have her help you with your chores. That way she is learning independance, learning that she has a role in the household, and is not forced to be independant beyond what she wants.

6. "She whines in a tyrannic way all day long." - this statement tells me that you are controlled by her whining. The trick for her whining is to not let it influence your emotions. I ignore my daughter sometimes. Other times I might say something. I might tell her she needs to go to her room and whine because it gives mommy a headache. I can't control if she whines or not. I can control where she whines and my emotions during the situation. But, I don'tlet her whining control my emotions. (Well, I say I don't, but I am not perfect).

7. If you have trouble being consistent, you are a softie. I am a softie as well. I just don't fit well into another parenting model and I have had to learn to adjust my parenting style to reflect my 'softness.' Please do not regard being a 'softie' as a bad thing. There are many positives - loving, nurturing, caring, etc. I would not want to be a drill seargant. However, the drawback is that we softies tend to have the weakness of giving in and not being consistent. You know that consistenty bears fruit. Don't be too soft, but don't try to over compensate by being too strict. I would recommend that you do not have too many rules, but make those rules clear, and few and far between. The rewards system that was recommended by a previous poster will probably not work well for you (get the mini-trampoline if you can). Find something that does and don't be frustrated trying something that doesn't fit well if it doesn't fit.

8. "She also shows aggressive behavior towards some of her toys. She often plays the "mom" who withdraws from her babies or negates her very needed help for futile reasons (i.e. doll as a tummy ache and mom goes at the grocery, etc.)." This is the only huge red flag. I mean huge. One thing that I have learned being a parent is that the way that children interact with dolls is the exact way that they see us interact with them. Back when I spanked my son, yes it's awful, my son spanked his toys. Now, my kids nurture their babies. My daughter feeds and cares for and loves her dolls. Sometimes they go for a time-out.

9. She requires a lot of attention. Is this a bad thing? You went AP with your baby, why not with your three year old. Holding a baby all the time is demanding. My sister-in-law demanded so much attention, now is a thriving adult ready to graduate from dental school in May. Give her more attention, as much as she needs. Have her help you with the chores, right by your side. Her insecurity will lessen the more that you give her attention. When my daughter is really demanding and wanting lots of attention I give her a wrestle- hug session (hug her lots) and then get up and I can usually walk away. You can draw the line at times and tell her that you need your space, but she will not always be at your side.

10. If your child behaves beautifully with other people, what is the problem? Celebrate, this is seriously the only test you should feel like you have to pass. Your daughter is going to behave differently around you- you are her mother. Let me ask you something, so you behave differently around your husband than you do your neighbor? Do you just let all your emotions pour out on your husband, or your neighbor? You can function in society and yet struggle at home. That doesn't mean that we can treat our family like crap. The obvious thing is to not let things get out of control, because what goes on behind closed doors will affect the rest of your life. But, seriously what family, or parent, or child is perfect? It sounds like you are expecting your child to be perfect. Don't expect that, especially from a three year old. My three year old behaves wonderfully around others - I have passed the "test". It should not be a "test" persay because we should not feel validated by the way our children behave. Your self worth is not based on how your child behaves. But, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done because it sounds like you are a better mother than you want to give yourself credit for and forget the low self-confidence thing. That is for people who can't take their child over to someone's house.

11. I used to nanny for a family and every time the boy was required to start his chores, he got a headache. I told him that it was 'all in his head.' I made him start working, or else. Now, I had a great revelation. I later thanked his mom for letting me make so many parenting mistakes on her kids so I would make less on my own. When you are busy doing something that you enjoy, do you always notice that you have a headache? I doubt it. Now, just remember the laundry pile downstairs, or the dishes in the sink. Now you might notice your headache. So, she may have legitimate aches and pains that went unacknowledged. Don't dismiss these aches and pains. Do you notice you back hurts when you are watching t.v., or when you are walking out to the garage to start the mower? Based on the way she treats her dolls you are not legitimately acknowledging her needs. She needs to understand that there are consequences for not getting stuff done, like she can't go to the park (but, remember she is only three).

So, the diagnosis:

Your child is a puppet on strings. You are the puppeteer. You are trying to direct her actions, and through directing her actions you are trying to direct her emotions. The puppet is fighting against the puppeteer, and trying to get loose. Cut the puppet strings, let the child come to life. Let her run to you, sweep her up in your arms and rock her, cradle her, love her with kisses and hugs, treat her as if she was wooden and now is real.

Here are some of the best resources for parenting I have come across.

This one will help you maintain the AP philosophy and the "softness" without losing your authority as a parent. Get the book Grace Based Discipline
It is from a Christian perspective, but the author does not belive that the Bible condones spanking, and neither do I.


http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/crystal/gbd.php


Hands down - great! Probably the best resource that discusses raising responsible children. Get the book "love and logic."

http://www.loveandlogic.com/


Another book is a Kevin Leman "how to make your kids mind without losing yours..."
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