i simply tell my three children that my ears cannot hear whining, my ears only hear big girl or big boy voices. i literally act like i cannot hear whining. when they use their big kid voices, i look them in the eye and tell them how happy i am to hear the big kid voice. my first two respond really well to this. my three year old is totally different. i have to speak in a really quiet voice so that she has to quit whining to hear me. then i remind her to use her big girl voice. it usually works with her. all three of mine get those mysterious pains. i try to compliment them on how well they are going up the steps before they complain or make a game out of it, maybe you could sing a silly song or count the steps. i seem to have used AP Parenting too. my oldest and youngest play by themselves. my 5 yr old is very demanding when it comes to my time. sometimes i have to demand that he goes to his room then he finds something to do. i hope this helps

That can be a touchy age and it does take consistency
to navigate their need to cling and their need to
expand their boundaries....

One thing I can suggest which worked for me was that
we made the choice at that age to give our daughter
a piggy bank and an allowance. We also had a weekly date
with her that she earned. She loved pizza so it was
a goal she enjoyed working for. We explained that she
was getting older and could expect things to change
and also earn money to save and buy things she might
want. So, little chores were rewarded with pennies
and this did not include the chores expected like
brushing teeth and making her bed, but extra ones.
We also used stickers which we would buy together
so she could pick ones she liked but she had to earn
them. She had a little notebook she kept them in and
so many stickers would mean a trip for pizza or some
other treat like ice cream. She actually loved having
her own little record and could visually see her own
progress and build on it. We would date her successes
in her notebook for her too which made it feel more
like a thing we were doing together but she kept
the book and had control of it...

Children like choice at that age so I would offer
her one pair of underwear or another and other
choices in that vein from foods to choices of
activities. This also served to establish her
*place* as a family member who could expect support
FROM the family, but also was expected to contribute
to the family too.

We dealt with whining by using time outs. We explained
she could make the choice to be unhappy and complain
but that she did not have the right to make everyone
miserable. She would be told to go to her room until
she felt better and wanted to join us. This gave her
the power to come out of time out when she made the
choice to want to be included. This could take minutes
or it could be she would engage in self play and found
that fun. You can also expect that this may be a time
when they really go into overdrive and scream and rant
but I figure, they need to learn to channel that energy
too and instead of responding, if she came out, we would
just tell her she needed to go back to her room until
she felt ready to be a part of the family time. At times
this meant enduring toys hitting the wall and kicking
and such but in the end she would stumble out and we
would smile and hold her and say, do you feel better?
This allowed her to feel safe to discharge those emotions
and also learn that her parents had boundaries. Of course
as she got older, we learned to help her channel that
energy in more constructive ways.

Consistency also can mean making sure you are in a place
where she can get a daily nap, or if she has outgrown
that, a time for reading together and resting. We invested
in children's books on tape and she could sit in her room
and listen to a tape and *read* along. We had read the
same books to her too so the tape and the time spent
listening reinforced those good feeling times. It also
taught her to spend time alone and establish a comfort
zone for herself. We also might tell her that we needed
some private time and might spend time reading in our
room where she could peer in but she was not allowed
to interfere. Later, she learned to use that phrase and
tell us she needed private time. She *learned* to like
to take time for herself.

Bath times and meals need to be consistent since if a
child is hungry or tired they often do not know how to
deal with that and will fall apart. Be very conscious of
your daughters diet too since sodas and candy and other
foods with additives can make life hell for you and your
child. Have healthy snacks and also allow plenty of time
for your child to unwind before bed without television.
Setting up a schedule that they can expect gives them a
sense of feeling cared for and control. A warning an hour
before bed is a consideration which makes bedtime much
easier. This is also a good time to run a bath and
help select pajamas...ggg.

Exercise is also a good thing to consider. I feel that
a mini-trampoline was one of the best investments we
ever made. Not a cheap one either since they do not have
good bounce. My daughter is grown now and we still have and
use the one she used as a child. I put up charts in her
play room too which I had found at an educational supply
store and she could follow the charts and bounce and say
her alphabet and addition tables. Become creative and
be sure to give them little extra chores like sponging
down the kitchen table for those extra pennies. As she
got older the allowance got more but in the beginning
the idea of pennies was better since children like the
idea of MORE. For example ten pennies looks like a lot
more than a dime.

You may also consider looking at books from the library
or bookstore since so often these kinds of behaviors
are a normal milestone for a certain age and awareness
of them helps head off problems early. Knowing what to
expect as normal for the age make it easier on our
marriage too since it can be difficult to understand
the reasons why something that worked last week does
not work this week...ggg.

One other thing good about using a reward system was
that it made it easy to ask her to *pay* when she did
misbehave repeatedly. For example, my daughter was a
late in life baby for my husband and so his older nieces
and nephews thought it was CUTE to teach her to cuss.
It was not cute for us though and the only way we found
to break her of it was asking her to pay a penny every
time she cussed. This was really effective and we were
very respectful to her face but thought it was really
funny how much she hated to fork over a penny for cussing.
Of course she also demanded pennies of us if we cussed~!
As an adult she still does not cuss so that lesson worked
better than we could have hoped. She also paid more than
a few pennies for pinning the cat down who did not like
being held down by a child. Once she gave it up though
she learned the cat could not hang out around her enough~!

Most of all, I would urge you to enjoy her and make sure
you have some quality one on one time each day. For us
it was something as simple as reading together or her
getting a back massage and nightly book. They grow up
faster than you think and once they are engaged in
establishing their own friendships when they begin school,
you are still important but not like you are now.

best wishes,
Zoe

-_-

You totally described my 3 1/2 year old daughter (born in June 04'). My husband seriously thought that I wrote what you wrote. I was a totally strict evil Ezzo parent with my first child and hated every minute of it, so I went to the other extreme. It is not really all that bad as I was never totally strict (too soft hearted) and I do provide some boundaries for my children. But, I am a total softie.

I have a whiner for a child. One thing, after talking to many moms, I realize that my child is whiny like most children her age. And, most girls are whiny as well. I am shocked at the number of children (girls) who have moms that comment on how much they whine. I wonder some days if she can talk. A couple of things to remember - please take this seriously as I have prayed through this and it might help your situation.

1. She is only 3 1/2 years old. I sometimes think that we expect too much from children this age. They are stuck between the baby world where they cried to communicate every need and the more understanding kindergarten age where proper communication can happen. I personally think that really young children are frustrated at the world and just have melt downs. It is so much for young children to process, they have to be frustrated. Imagine that you were a three year old for one day. I wouldn't like being a little person in a big world.

2. The only talk to mommy in a nice voice, in my opinion, is a great idea - for much older children. I have an older son, kindergarten, who understands more so that he needs to talk to me nicely. But, a three year old should not have to figure out how to talk in a nice way. She should be told! I have my daughter repeat a nicer way after me. I tell her to say "mommy, may I please have some juice." This is much less frustrating than having to say "mommy doesn't listen to whining." I know she would eventually figure out how to get juice by asking nicely. The girl is three - try that on a seven year old. If you did AP parenting then you are probably a softie so this approach would be easier. This is a middle road because I am not giving into her demands and I am helping her communicate properly.

3. Your daughter is struggling for independance, but is probably scared. It is extremely frustrating. Especially since, as a parent, you are embarassed that you dress your child when they should be able too. I know what other people say, and your daughter can do these things, she just needs encouragement. My child is not potty trained and has no interest at all. I just let it be, even though it is obvious that my very old three year old is in diapers. She will not always be in diapers. Your daughter will be able to dress herself one day. Stop focusing on time lines, and start focusing on your daughter. You didn't need a book or other people to tell you how to raise your daughter when she was a baby. My daughter threw a fit because I would not dress her. I keep thinking, you are three - dress yourself! But, I meet her halfway. She puts on her pants and I put on her shirt.

4. If you have to do things for your child when she wants you too - do it. Don't be frustrated It is AP parenting vs. the other parenting again. When you are told to not pick up your baby because their needs are illegitimate, did you listen or did you stick with AP? Why is responding to the needs of your three-year-old any more illegitmate. When your three year old says that she needs help in a certain area, do you listen to your daughter, or what other people say that your daughter needs to do. Trust yourself a little more. Give her help, but meet her halfway. Help her pick up her toys, help her brush her teeth. "mommy will brush the top, you brush the bottom." The trick is to let her be dependant and encourage independance at the same time. Kids at this age need to be pushed to be independant, but not too far beyond their comfort level - the world is a scary place. To combat defiance give her more control in her life. "Do you want the purple toothpaste, or the green toothpaste?" " Do you want to brush the bottom and mommy brush the top, or mommy brush the bottom and you brush the top."

5. Encourage independance in areas that she does not demand help in. One of the best ways to encouage independance and confidence. Have her help you with your chores. That way she is learning independance, learning that she has a role in the household, and is not forced to be independant beyond what she wants.

6. "She whines in a tyrannic way all day long." - this statement tells me that you are controlled by her whining. The trick for her whining is to not let it influence your emotions. I ignore my daughter sometimes. Other times I might say something. I might tell her she needs to go to her room and whine because it gives mommy a headache. I can't control if she whines or not. I can control where she whines and my emotions during the situation. But, I don'tlet her whining control my emotions. (Well, I say I don't, but I am not perfect).

7. If you have trouble being consistent, you are a softie. I am a softie as well. I just don't fit well into another parenting model and I have had to learn to adjust my parenting style to reflect my 'softness.' Please do not regard being a 'softie' as a bad thing. There are many positives - loving, nurturing, caring, etc. I would not want to be a drill seargant. However, the drawback is that we softies tend to have the weakness of giving in and not being consistent. You know that consistenty bears fruit. Don't be too soft, but don't try to over compensate by being too strict. I would recommend that you do not have too many rules, but make those rules clear, and few and far between. The rewards system that was recommended by a previous poster will probably not work well for you (get the mini-trampoline if you can). Find something that does and don't be frustrated trying something that doesn't fit well if it doesn't fit.

8. "She also shows aggressive behavior towards some of her toys. She often plays the "mom" who withdraws from her babies or negates her very needed help for futile reasons (i.e. doll as a tummy ache and mom goes at the grocery, etc.)." This is the only huge red flag. I mean huge. One thing that I have learned being a parent is that the way that children interact with dolls is the exact way that they see us interact with them. Back when I spanked my son, yes it's awful, my son spanked his toys. Now, my kids nurture their babies. My daughter feeds and cares for and loves her dolls. Sometimes they go for a time-out.

9. She requires a lot of attention. Is this a bad thing? You went AP with your baby, why not with your three year old. Holding a baby all the time is demanding. My sister-in-law demanded so much attention, now is a thriving adult ready to graduate from dental school in May. Give her more attention, as much as she needs. Have her help you with the chores, right by your side. Her insecurity will lessen the more that you give her attention. When my daughter is really demanding and wanting lots of attention I give her a wrestle- hug session (hug her lots) and then get up and I can usually walk away. You can draw the line at times and tell her that you need your space, but she will not always be at your side.

10. If your child behaves beautifully with other people, what is the problem? Celebrate, this is seriously the only test you should feel like you have to pass. Your daughter is going to behave differently around you- you are her mother. Let me ask you something, so you behave differently around your husband than you do your neighbor? Do you just let all your emotions pour out on your husband, or your neighbor? You can function in society and yet struggle at home. That doesn't mean that we can treat our family like crap. The obvious thing is to not let things get out of control, because what goes on behind closed doors will affect the rest of your life. But, seriously what family, or parent, or child is perfect? It sounds like you are expecting your child to be perfect. Don't expect that, especially from a three year old. My three year old behaves wonderfully around others - I have passed the "test". It should not be a "test" persay because we should not feel validated by the way our children behave. Your self worth is not based on how your child behaves. But, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done because it sounds like you are a better mother than you want to give yourself credit for and forget the low self-confidence thing. That is for people who can't take their child over to someone's house.

11. I used to nanny for a family and every time the boy was required to start his chores, he got a headache. I told him that it was 'all in his head.' I made him start working, or else. Now, I had a great revelation. I later thanked his mom for letting me make so many parenting mistakes on her kids so I would make less on my own. When you are busy doing something that you enjoy, do you always notice that you have a headache? I doubt it. Now, just remember the laundry pile downstairs, or the dishes in the sink. Now you might notice your headache. So, she may have legitimate aches and pains that went unacknowledged. Don't dismiss these aches and pains. Do you notice you back hurts when you are watching t.v., or when you are walking out to the garage to start the mower? Based on the way she treats her dolls you are not legitimately acknowledging her needs. She needs to understand that there are consequences for not getting stuff done, like she can't go to the park (but, remember she is only three).

So, the diagnosis:

Your child is a puppet on strings. You are the puppeteer. You are trying to direct her actions, and through directing her actions you are trying to direct her emotions. The puppet is fighting against the puppeteer, and trying to get loose. Cut the puppet strings, let the child come to life. Let her run to you, sweep her up in your arms and rock her, cradle her, love her with kisses and hugs, treat her as if she was wooden and now is real.

Here are some of the best resources for parenting I have come across.

This one will help you maintain the AP philosophy and the "softness" without losing your authority as a parent. Get the book Grace Based Discipline
It is from a Christian perspective, but the author does not belive that the Bible condones spanking, and neither do I.


http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/articles/crystal/gbd.php


Hands down - great! Probably the best resource that discusses raising responsible children. Get the book "love and logic."

http://www.loveandlogic.com/


Another book is a Kevin Leman "how to make your kids mind without losing yours..."