Re: felt like writing

i just got up after having another very difficult night feeling so lonely and also upset with myself for what i did, and decided to check out how the forum was going. again i'm brought to tears. thank you all for posting and even just listening. the fact that some of you even wrote notes was amazing. you all made me feel so much better. thank you so much for you kind thoughts of encouragment and ideas. it's so nice to hear from people who are going through the same thing, and myabe not even necessarily and e.d. but just from tough times in there lives. it was such an amazing feeling, especiall after my ridiculous night, to look on here and see that people even responded to my post. it's a feelings i can't even describe right now. you all make me want to try even harder.

after last night i dont know if i'm ever even going to be able to eat again. i dont think i have ever felt this sick, and believe me coming from this crazy girl that's saying a lot =) it's just so incredibly unreal that i went to walmart last night, completely out of my way, bought binge food and went to town. and i dont know why but i can't get it all out the way i used to and today i feel like a fat, lazy slob. that kind of food has never ever made me feel good or energized or anything so to this day i still can't understand why its what i eat when i binge because when i dont, which is also rare these days because all i do is binge so i tell myself i dont need to eat because i have enough calories in me (stupid i know), i only eat fruits/veggies. it's like i become this whole different person when i get depressed or whatever emotion it is that i feel when i binge. maybe i have multipersonality disorder (i'm just kidding but sometimes it feels like it). another thing i've noticed is that when i'm lonely i binge way more often. it's almost like it gives me something to do.

oh, and just so you guys dont think i'm crazy for being upset about breaking up with that guy or however i worded it, it's because he has been probably my best friend for the last three years. we were dating when i first started throwing up and going through a really rough time. things just preceeded to get worse from there. eventually he moved out and we broke up, but we dated on and off but always remained good friends. i was just too emotionally unstable to be with him because i couldn't and still can't be with anyone. well i moved down here and he decided that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore and we got into a little bit of an argument. i told him i coudln't believe that after all we had been through (he had a rough time of his own also so we kind of always had each other) that it was going to be too hard to not have each other, and he basically just said he was fine and didn't care anymore. so that's why i feel just so alone and defeated right now along wtih my other stuff.

anyways, again sorry for the rambling. just wanted to clarify some stuff. and again thanks for your replies they mean so much to me and i mean that from the bottom of my heart

ashley

(p.s. i'm going to be going on veggie juices for the next couple days to help get some of the toxic garbage out of my system and hopefully feel better. between the juices, smoothies, and lightly cooked veggie soup and drinking the brooth, water lol, hopefully i'll feel better. thanks for that idea! you've said it before and i think that that will be the best course of action for me now.)