felt like writing

i'm writing here because i feel like i need to do something to occupy my mind, or at least keep myself on one train of thought. i have a million of them right now and i just dont know where to begin. i guess i just feel so defeated. for the last few months i've been telling myself that i was better. i just can't win. it doesn't matter that i've always been somewhat knowledgeable about food and weight and exersize but i realize that that is really not the issue at all. i'm not in control of my life . and i'm slipping further and further down this hole. i thought a long time ago i was at the worst part of my lfie but no i wasn't. it's been a downward spiral no matter what i try. i just want something to be right, to work out, i guess something that i can be happy with. the only thing stable in the last two years of my life is my annorexic/bulimic nature it's the only thing i can truly depend on and i hate it, but love it at the same time. i despise the fact that i can't have normal thoughts about food and that the slightest amound of fat/calories that are in my body makes me feel not in control and that i need to gorge myself and then throw it up to make myself feel like i've accomplished something. i hate the fact that everytime i do it i say it's the last but never is.

i wanted to be fixed and cured and went a good period of time without it. but the first sign of stress i totally freak out and just rely on it. i hate it it's just absolutely consumed me. i can't even stop the tears coming down my face because god knows i've tried to be a better person, i've even tried to help other people. this is something that is just me and i dont think any type of therapy is ever going to make me better. since i've been on this forum i've at least been able to talk about my problem and acknowledge it and speak about it with other people which is a lot easier than not doing those things.

i'm so sorry for writing this miserable message it's just something i felt i should do Tweet