Chocolateorange,


I understand that death threat to be real (it has happened here in America by PARENTS of muslim children).

What kind of PARENTS would do such a thing to their children?...not the kind that should be respected AT ALL. Sorry to break your heart.

I understand that your parents are (or WANT) to be good to you and deep down inside they are good people (God bless you for recognizing the goodness of your parents), you have a wonderful heart full of love, but, in growing up, many, many children in the world must finally realize that their parents are terribly set in their own ways and will (definitely) do bad and even murderous things because they believe they are right. The death threat is VERY, VERY real and you should take it VERY, VERY seriously.

I come from a dysfunctional family and have suffered 51 years of suicidal Depression because of it. In childhood, my mind was a wreck from having to deal with a dysfunctional family and I never really recovered as an adult because I stayed living close to my family (80 miles) and never really freed myself of them. Two years ago, I became the last living member of my family and I recovered from being depressed (somewhat). But now I'm 53 and my life is gone (never married or got a college education, suicidal and depressed all my life).

In order to have any kind of normal life, you are going to have to "withdraw" (separate from them as much as possible to imagine) yourself (to a safe place, FOREVER, meaning never let them know where you are, and never see them again) from your parents regardless of what you want to do. Of course it will break your heart (more than has already happened) BECAUSE YOU HAVE LOVE IN YOUR HEART (regardless of what your parents think of as love).

I think that you and your Catholic boyfriend are going to have to escape to safety (parents have no legal hold on you after 21 or 18? I think 18, does anyone know?).

In the Christian bible, we are told that we must "Honor our mother and father". For so long, I felt that I was a "bad Christian" because, in my heart, I just could not find any real reason to think "good" of my parents.

But it doesn't mean that we have to honor them with GOOD honor, it means that we have to give them the respect (recognition) that they should have (DESERVE) instead of just ignore them. If they were criminals, I could only respect my parents by reporting them to the police (prison), but if I gave them "good honor" for being a criminal (if they were a murderer, etcetera), I would be inhumane (I would be committing a crime against humanity for sanctioning their crime), so I honor my parents with "bad" honor (actually, since they died, I have learned to love them very much and make excuses to God for what they failed to do right (just like you make excuses for your parents, only it took me much longer), of course this is because I have love in my heart also, but I cannot forget that my brother committed suicide on my father's birthday and addressed his suicide note to my mother). So, I can't continue to make excuses for them (they violated their God-given duty to be good parents).

You have to make the hard decision to save your life and leave your family.

Maybe the Catholic pastor or priest can tell you of a safe place that you and your Catholic boyfriend can escape to and you can get a job as a cook, your boyfriend can work and you will be able to afford to get married IF that is how you still feel.

Someday, as long as you keep your whereabouts a secret (even from your siblings), you may have the opportunity to help your siblings escape also, but first you must become very successful with a job and be financially able to help them escape from your parents (but never let your whereabouts be known, always have caller Id blocked on your phone or have a Cell Phone that is UNLISTED).


I'm going to give you ideas about some things that you will need to do in order to keep your whereabouts a secret.

Get a Post Office Box so that your address won't be listed.
Never let employers call your parents.
Never let a school, govenment agency (Department of Motor Vehicles, etc.) or hospital call your parents.
You might be able to change your name.

It might just be easier to move 3000 miles away, but still never reveal your whereabouts and never let them know your phone number, they will simply look it up and find your address.

It would be better to get advice from a SMART pastor or priest who MIGHT know more about these things.


I'm sorry you have to deal with such a situation. You are not being taught a lesson and have not done anything to deserve this (no one would ever deserve anything like this), life just has BAD SITUATIONS, but you have to deal with this well, not just for yourself, but also for your siblings).


God bless you and your siblings, Chocolateorange.

Wow, why does this happen? Life is so complicated when philosophical ideals are driven down the throats of those that do not want or desire to live that ideal.

When I read your post, my heart went out to you. I'm 51, and I have a lot of hindsight issues right now. At 51, this is what i have learned.

No one knows, but you may only have this life to live.
Social and religious ideals can be vacant and meaningless if they cause you to go against your own personal beliefs.
No one should be miserable.
It's a great big world with much to experience and learn.
You can't learn in a vaccuum.
Abuse is wrong, in ALL forms.
Parents are expendable if the situation warrants extreme action.
Husbands are expendable if the situation warrants extreme action.

And in situations of abuse, the first thing one does as an abused victim is justify the abuse...we know they can't help it...grew up with it...it is part of their culture. You, my dear, are suffering from a classic abuse denial. If you google characteristics of abuse victims, I think you might have a real awakening. Maybe more than you are prepared for.

I have been fairly lucky in my life, but I had to get myself out of some very abusive situations to find peace. It was hard but I survived and flourished.

I am a white anglo saxon protestant. I have no idea what challenges you are facing with your background. The place I come from is human. Basic human dignity and freedom.

Here is what I want you to think about now. Project yourself into the future. What are you going to be like in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years? The choice you make will create your destiny. You know in your heart what you want your destiny to look like...make it happen.

That is a tough place you are in and I validate your distress. I wish you all the best.

Molly

chocolateorange, I think you know the danger you are in.

It appears you have two choices: Marry the muslim boy or leave and never ever look back if you want to live.


http://wordsandwar.com/2007/06/12/how-cultural-sensitivity-killed-banaz-mahmod/


My heart is sad for you. I will be praying for you.

May God Bless

this is the thing: you already know the best thing to do for you - we usually do. the conflict arises because we're afraid of actually taking whatever step it is we know we need to do.

take some time - we're talking at least half a day, here - and go some place where you can be peaceful.

your parent's version of islam is polluted - i know this because my oldest daughter spent almost a year studying islam before she decided to convert and i've never seen her so happy and at peace with herself (she was a troubled soul from birth). her marriage looks like it will actually pull through (she's been married nearly four years). my second daughter is a buddhist and has been since she was 9 (11 years, now). my new baby, just three and a half months old, will likely be a hindu but maybe not - for all i know, she could discover that zoroastrianism suits her best.

one thing you could try is to seek out a religious leader - doesn't need to be an imam: no truly spiritual leader will turn you away. since you're agnostic, the denomination wouldn't matter anyway. the reason i'm suggesting this is because most of them are easily as good as the best therapists for helping one clear one's mind of the fog but they're free of charge.

one thing i was wondering: if your parents would disown you anyway, wth does it matter if your catholic boyfriend converts? i'd just save myself the hassle and go get hitched in a unitarian church with only those i love and who love me and who will be happy for me in attendance.

Sounds like a horrible situation!
The best thing would be to ran away and hide, but at the same time they are the perpetrators. So why should you hide? Try to fight back, make them pay! Maybe enlist help from your siblings, if they feel the same?
I know it might be naive, but did you try talking to the police? Maybe heve them on tape and get a restraining order? Or try provoking them into doing something illegal and get them go to jail or deported! They came to this country, so they should follow the traditions of the civilized world! If they don't - they should pay! THe only way to fight bullies is to stand up to them!
Cheers

I havent read all the replies and Im sure good advice has already been given, because the people in this forum are very wise. Im going to add my two cents, although its most likely something you dont want to hear.

I advise you to leave, to RUN AWAY {FAR away} with your boyfriend and dont ever look back. I would cut off all contact and never speak to them again, no matter how much it hurts. If it were me Id sadly consider them dead. :( I know that sounds terrible, but look at what they are doing to you. Whether or not its "their fault" they are this way doesnt matter. It would be like saying its not a mans fault if he beats you because his father beat him as a child. It is their responsibility. I can understand them being strict and following their traditions and wanting you to marry within the religion, etc, its their opinion and they are entitled to it. But they threatened to KILL you dear..for making your own completely healthy and normal choices. You have to choose between leaving them behind completely or living a trapped, terrible unhappy life based on the beliefs of someone else.

I dont think this is much differnet than what I would tell a woman in a dangerous, absuive situation. You must carefully plan your escape, and then never look back.

I deeply admire you for your steadfastness in such a horrible situation.

I can only tell you that I would leave. I would also take the death threat very seriously, and in that regard I would have my boyfriend convert...if only in appearances. In this way, you would not have to live in fear and you could not only protect yourself, but your family as well from doing somethng that all would live to regret.

I left my family behind many, many years ago for reaons far less severe then yours, and it is a lonely path. I understand your reluctance, but I would rather face death and loneliness than a life without freedom and having to live a lie by pretending to believe in things I don't believe in...and shouldn't believe in ... and be forced to marry someone I did not love or desire. That would be unthinkable for me. For me there would be no crisis...only action.

I've spoken to a number of Muslims and the "Islam" that is practiced in your family is not unheard-of or uncommon, but it is a complete distortion of the teachings - always (and, forever) mankind will pervert ANY religion to suit their need for control.

I have known a few women who escaped their homelands and/or families where strict, unreasonable, unkind, abusive, and dehumanizing treatment was commonplace - not necessarily Muslim, but cultural practices that allowed for abusive treatment of women and girl children. They had to cut all ties and never look back - one of them has a sentence of death that her family members intend to carry out because she was raped (yes, that's right: RAPED by force) by soldiers in a refugee camp. To this day, her family members believe that she was shamed by becoming a rape victim and that her shame stains their family honour and, therefore, has become the "shame" of the entire family. Can we see the absolute insanity of such mindless ideology?

In my line of thinking, I have no room in my life to allow for such an insane system of beliefs as that. If it were me, I would change my name, dye my hair, get the hell away, and never look back (family, or not). Any system of beliefs that is based upon such control and hatred is like a disease that eventually infects the innocents (children).

You have my most heartfelt best wishes.