daughter cutting 
#80968
17 y
6,205
RN HELP!
† Cross †
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses
my daughter is 23, and she just began cutting this year. She is an alcoholic, has major panic attacks all the time, and is bulemic to the point of being unable to eat normally w/o vomiting -- it's no longer voluntary.
I just learned of the other things recently, and only learned of the cutting when she tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago --- i saw rows of cuts on the outside of her upper thigh when she was in ICU.
Why would she cut herself and cause such pain and anguish when she is amazingly beautiful, talented enough to be a professional singer and artist, and is highly intelligent, tested in the 99th percentile.
Literally everyone adores her, so it's not like she's alone! She also has a wonderful, talented child to care for.
I think she may have been raped at 14, but she won't talk about what happened with me, and I don't know if her therapist knows about it.
She's been in Rehab for five day, but has been talking about walking out.
Is there anything at all that I can do???
mom- Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abuse) #163366
17 y
5,022
RRR Educational
MoreThis is a reply to # 911,749Rape, abuse, shame are the major reasons why girls turn to drugs, cutting, Depression ...
It could be some kind of continuous abuse ... multiple rape ... single isolated rape case is rarely the only cause.
Why is she not talking with you?
Shame, self blame, insecurity ... are the main reasons why people don't want to talk about being raped.
Maybe cause she blames you in some way?
Maybe she was raped by someone you know?
Someone you could have protected her from?
Statistically, most child rapes occurs in the immediate family.
It can be father, step-father, grand-father, uncle, family friend, brother, cousin, ....
These are statistics. I am not saying that is what happened to her.
It is your job, as a mother, to find out who it was ... if ...how .. become a detective!
The same person who raped her .. could have reaped other members of your family!
G.- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #80968
17 y
4,870
RRR Educational
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Original Hulda Clark
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 911,892it wasn't a relative -- we don't have any relatives in our state. It was a guy at her friend's house - a friend of the father I think.
I did not know anything happened at all until around 2000 when someone outside the family told me she had told them. They waited almost a year before telling me, and that really made me mad. When I asked, she gave me an 'almost molested but got away' story, and would say no more, no matter how I pleaded.
I don't really have *any* details, just what I have guessed at from putting 2 and 2 together over the years.
In hindsight I recall that I did find evidence, but did not understand what I was seeing. I thought it was something else.
:(
mom- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #68716
17 y
4,652
This is a reply to # 911,937You are not responsible for what's ailing your daughter. Self-mutilation can have a host of underlying factors - the only person who knows is the victim. A good counselor/therapist will help your daughter explore different coping mechanisms, but the therapy may take a long, long while. Please, understand that in order to help your daughter, you cannot accept blame, guilt, or responsibility for her actions. Your strength and courage will be a support for her through the difficult healing processes that she's facing.
Demanding that she disclose the details of her rape, near-rape, almost-molestation, etc., will only widen a chasm - let her know that your "emotional door" is always open and that you will not stand in judgment, regardless of the circumstances - she will begin speaking if and when she is ready. Most rape victims feel as if they could have avoided the act of violence that was perpetrated against them, "If only I hadn't _____ (had alcohol; walked on another street; left the house 5 minutes sooner; etc.), this never would have happened." For some, it takes years to be able to speak about what happened. You SHOULD feel righteous anger that the parents of your daughter's friend kept silent! They may not be directly involved, but they were responsible for her safety while she was in their home and they chose to keep silent about a criminal, violent act against her. No doubt, they were afraid of the implications of what their "guest" did, legally and morally. And, shame on them!
That your daughter is of legal age could make things difficult for her recovery, so be prepared. She is legally able to walk out of therapy and you cannot force her to engage in anything that she doesn't want to participate in. Of course, pressuring her to remain engaged in therapy could also backfire. You may not even be legally allowed to speak to her therapist - patient rights have changed dramatically over the past few years, and even conscientious parents have little-to-no access to their adult children's medical/mental health providers. It might be prudent to seek your own family counselor/therapist to help you to help your daughter.
God bless you and best wishes to you and your family.- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #80968
17 y
4,627
More
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... addictions free
17 y
10,375
BSA Educational
This is a reply to # 912,443Hi,
For what ever it is worth my story is similar to yours and I wish to offer you some hope. My daughter was also bulimic, had distructive behavior, and I also suspected she was sexually abused when she was younger. It was the most scariest time in my life. My daughter who is also very beautiful and inteligent was destroying her self and I felt completely helpless to stop her. I would of given my life for her if it would of helped. She also would not talk to me she was very angry and bitter. I admitt I was not always a good support for her. The more she hurt I would crumble and become a total heap and break out crying uncontroleably. My daughter's life is at stake and I was frantically trying to figure how to help her. I would try anything at all that might help her ANYTHING!!!
I was determined to become what ever she need me to be, do what ever it took, send her were ever she needed to go I just wanted my daughter back mentally, emotionally, healthy.
One of the first things I decided was that she would not see me cry (this was very difficult for me) she had a hard enough time dealing with her own emotions let alone mine.
The other thing that I did, based on my husbands advice, was to always look for opportunities to be with her so if she felt like opening up I would be available.
If she ever initiated for me to do something with her I would drop what i was doing and do it. I refrained from asking anything regarding her situation. If she only would have small talk with me that was a positive. I hung on to tht fact that she talked to me!! I prayed for the day she would open up. If she ever brought anything up directly or indirectly I would just listen and if she asked directly I would answer with the positive note that I was confident she would make it through praise her and affirm her strong qualities. I began to praise specifics not just general and with an example of the character quality I saw.
She saw a physciatrist he said that her ability to express anger verbally was a postive. I hung on to any positve no matter how small it seamed. During our our darkest hours recalling any positives helped us hang on a little longer. Another thing that I checked into was Remuda Ranch the founder started it after helping his own daughter. The challenge however is the cost and whether your daughter would agree to go. The other thing I did was to see if my daughter had any chemical imbalances. I found out that she was very Serotonin deficient, as well as Gaba deficient, as well as a number of other vit. deficiencies. She began supplementing and notice a mayjor difference right away.
I believe the her state was caused by a combination of many different things and the sexuall abuse was a mayjor. I believe that one of the mayjor factors in healing was prayer (what I couldn't fix I believe God Can) which lead us to look into biochemical imbalances. The supplements help her emotionally better handle the stress of what happened and the every day challenges of life.
My daughter is no longer bulimic she talks to me openly of everything that happened to her. She is happy and well balanced emotionally as long as she is taking her supplements. The supplements she takes is completely natural and safe.
I pray for the very best for you and your daughter.
ps. I use to beat myself up all the time over the things I have done wrong in my parenting. Someone once told me... there is no such thing as a perfect parent... and no such thing as a perfect kid... It simple dosen't exist. Do Your best and never, ever give up!
One other thing.... there was something I didn't understand and that was 3 of my sisters were sexually abused over a long period of time and not one of them have a alcohol/drug problem or ended up bulimic or anorexic. I am not trying to say they were not affected but not to the point as in our daughters. I have just wondered if there is a connection between how we are able to handle stresses today as apposed to 50 years ago. And the role the toxins and lack of nutrient play in being chemically out of balance, because my daughter was definatley out of balance.
Take care
from a Mom just like you
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... addictions free
17 y
10,375
BSA Educational
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... sparque
16 y
4,373
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 912,202I agree w/ soulfulsurvivor...and I have found that from other posts...and posts involving me...I agree with them....
You naturally want to find the cause and person that hurt her - and react....your daughter doesnt need that. This is one of the main reasons I have found for my kids not wanting a parent to find out they were attacked. Fear of the parent's reaction. Usually wanting to go hurt the aggressor. All this leaves is the victim with one less support person in their life, since mom or dad will be in jail for attacking some guy for "allegedly" raping their daughter. Or, she may be scared of your reaction...will you blame / ridicule / disbelieve her. Not all thoughts are logical, especially in a time like this, so don't take her thoughts personally. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing...just be there for her...let her sit, give her a safe place to be, no pressure. She will talk when she is ready and when she thinks u are ready. And let her know it is ok for her to be mad at you...for anything. And probably she will have a lot of rage that needs to come out. Maybe why she is cutting, since she doesnt feel safe in being mad and that energy has to come out....in some manner.
hang in there...and like someone else said...you seeing a counselor, making you stronger, will also help her, and may get her more involved in her treatment. - Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... sparque
16 y
4,210
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 912,202I agree w/ soulfulsurvivor...and I have found that from other posts...and posts involving me...I agree with them....
You naturally want to find the cause and person that hurt her - and react....your daughter doesnt need that. This is one of the main reasons I have found for my kids not wanting a parent to find out they were attacked. Fear of the parent's reaction. Usually wanting to go hurt the aggressor. All this leaves is the victim with one less support person in their life, since mom or dad will be in jail for attacking some guy for "allegedly" raping their daughter. Or, she may be scared of your reaction...will you blame / ridicule / disbelieve her. Not all thoughts are logical, especially in a time like this, so don't take her thoughts personally. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing...just be there for her...let her sit, give her a safe place to be, no pressure. She will talk when she is ready and when she thinks u are ready. And let her know it is ok for her to be mad at you...for anything. And probably she will have a lot of rage that needs to come out. Maybe why she is cutting, since she doesnt feel safe in being mad and that energy has to come out....in some manner.
hang in there...and like someone else said...you seeing a counselor, making you stronger, will also help her, and may get her more involved in her treatment.
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #80968
17 y
4,627
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #68716
17 y
4,652
- Re: Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abus... #80968
17 y
4,870
RRR Educational
- Re: daughter cutting been there done that
17 y
4,997
RN Educational
This is a reply to # 911,749I am a 53 year old male that has suffered 51 years of suicidal depression. I'm going to try and give you some insight into the suicidal mindset.
For 51 years, I was part of a dysfunctional family that ostracized and belittled me because they made a habit of taking out their own frustrations on the most gentle and kind member of the family,...ME. Anyway, I knew before I was 10 yrs. old that my parents were not a "match made in heaven" (they never should have gotten married). They separated when I was 15 and divorced years later, but it was when I was 10 that I (my mind) technically lost my right of existence (I should never have been born because my parents never should have married). I didn't realize that at the time, only my mind did. It couldn't figure out how it was that I do exist (oh, am I not making sense?...welcome to the Twilight Zone of the mind). I always lived as though I "existed" only and could not actually EXPERIENCE "life" (SELF/identity). I would do amazingly stupid, silly, and detrimental things (not cutting) and almost enjoy pain periodically as an adventure (recognition of "SELF", I didn't think of it as "PAIN", it was "SENSATION").
The cutting makes her feel alive (her mind can then acknowledge that she is ALIVE, not simply EXISTING). Don't explain these things to her, she will feel self-conscious and ashamed as though she is "demented".
I didn't consciously indulge in feeling sensation, but neither did I consider "sensation" something to be avoided (avoidance of sensation would be "sensory deprivation" of SELF.
All of my life I had a feeling that something was wrong (it was just a "feeling", probably something "in my life" or "about my life" is wrong). When I was 51, I heard someone (a "man" of the household) bragging about how he was "surviving" his divorce and I wondered how his two little daughters are ging to be reacting to the divorce. I never had that "feeling" again (it's the MYSTERY that hurt) because I had finally realized what that feeling was...my mind couldn't figure out how it was that I exist. Other people are happy having a strong ethnic heritage and a solid family lineage, but I had neither (technically, I should never have been born,..."man without a country").
Your daughter's bulemia gives her "sensation" (weakens her body, but that is "SENSATION"). The alcohol is more "sensation" from the tastebuds to the blood. Her body and mind panic because they are too weak to handle stress. Her intestines are too weak and go into shock when it comes time to digest solid food. Try vegetable juices or easily digestible food (sardines are very nutritious, cottage cheese, etc.). She feels alienation. Maybe it's because she has been recognized more for her ACHEIVED status from being in the 99th percentile (academic acheivement), not for her creative, artistic SELF.
Conscience and a "consciousness" are very important in order to realize "life". A sensitive, insightful, creative human being with "heart" NEEDS this and cannot truly be a "human" without it (will find life intolerable).
She has become ACCUSTOMED to not having nutrition (this enables her sensory deprivation). Nutrition would be a big help to her and she probably is NOT addicted to alcohol (PROBABLY NOT an alcoholic).
- Re: daughter cutting #80968
17 y
4,605
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 914,633What you say resonates with me as well as probably my daughter. I was raised in a similar household, although I was mentally, emotionally and physically abused, and I was the scapegoat child. My siblings were not abused physically, although I think all of use suffered from the mental and emotional abuse.
I always felt the same way you describe -- I can recall being suicidal at the age of 9, and wondering why I was alive!
I gave my daughter a different childhood from mine, and yet she may have the same feeling of not knowing why she exists at all. It must be something one is born with because she had a happy spiritually-oriented childhood, with an immense amount of love. It was just the two of us together, far away from family (thank God), and we did had a surrogate family.
I have a strong central core self, but she apparently does not -- she has a more ephemeral sense of self, and may be the reason she has to "prove" to herself she is here w/ cutting/starving/drinking.
thank you all for your words and your support!
mom
- Re: daughter cutting #80968
17 y
4,605
- Re: daughter cutting ash369
17 y
4,722
RN Educational
J.Crow’s® Lugol’s Iodine
Free S&H.Restore lost reserves.J.CROW’S®Lugol’s Iodine Solut...
Kidney Stones Remedy
Hulda Clark Cleanses
This is a reply to # 911,749i was a cutter for a few years, i stopped because i became more obsessed with drugs. i am no longer actively addicted. for me, cutting was a way of controlling my life, my pain. i am now 23. i have lead a very long life. i am now successful. i was also molested. the only thing that made my life better was trying to forget all the bad stuff. that might not be the whole truth because i still struggle, at times, with memories and cravings of drugs. but i am happy most of the time because i laugh daily things or a story. you daughter needs to be reminded that she is beautiful and special. her life will be great, she needs to get over the bad.
it is hard, but i'm sure she is strong. if she loves herself she will go as far as she wishes.
your truly
a woman who wants others to recover as she did - Re: daughter cutting BlueRose
17 y
4,567
This is a reply to # 911,749I was shocked to find out that my then-teenaged daughter was cutting herself. She was very much loved and wanted by both her parents. We spent lots of quality time with her. When she wanted to talk, we would listen. On the outside to us and her teachers, she came off as a mature, level-headed, smart, confident child. Underneath all that was a dark side. I found out the true extent of it when she went to college and flunked out second semester because she got into hard drugs. At that point, I did something I never did before--I went through her things. After all, she told us she didn't want to live at home ever again. It turned out in addition to the cutting, she was sneaking cigarettes, and engaging in some risky sexual behavior. We knew about the cutting because, while in high school, she told one of her teachers that she felt like cutting, he became alarmed and told her guidance counselor. It took a month of daily calling to our health plan before they got us an appointment with a therapist--25 miles away. After two sessions, the therapist told us that nothing was wrong with her, she was just bored. Our daughter told us that she had only cut twice. Later on, by going through her things I found out that it was far more extensive than that. I had watched for signs of cutting but she just got better at cutting on spots that were hidden under clothing.
Yes, I admit I have beaten myself up over this. I think as a parent, it's hard to avoid doing that. However, as someone else mentioned in this thread, I have come to believe that sometimes low self-esteem, like addictive personalities are just inborn. How else do you explain people who grew up in a horrible environment but never engaged in any self-destructive behavior and grew up to be stable, confident adults? On the flip side, how do you explain people who grew up in a loving, supportive environment but behave in self-destructive ways?
I know the helpless feeling of having an adult child who has problems. In my daughter's case, she never got help for her problems. She is now a mother and everyday I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. It broke my heart that she became a parent before she worked on her problems--but what can I do? All I--or you--can do is tell her that you love her and that if she needs anything you're there. I wish you and your daughter all the best.- Re: daughter cutting #80968
17 y
4,755
This is a reply to # 926,203thanks so much for your support. My daughter is also one of those people who everyone thinks is amazing, successful, brilliant.... She has so many artistic talents.
but she doesn't see herself the way we all do!
She did have a loving, supportive home, but i took her away from her father because he was an alcoholic, abusive, selfish person. All those years w/o a father may have affected her, but how I am really glad he was not in our lives. He gave her alcohol when she was 9 (wine coolers every day), and again when she was 14 (12 yr old sipping whiskey). What an ass.
Sadly, though he now makes 2.5 million a year, when I begged him for some assistance so our daughter could go to Treatment, he refused.
She is doing well in Treatment.- Re: daughter cutting BlueRose
17 y
4,678
This is a reply to # 926,713I'm glad to hear that your daughter is doing well in treatment. It must be a relief to you to know that she is working on her problems. Just my two cents, but from what you told me, I think you were right to take her away from her father. He's lucky that he didn't go to jail for giving an underage child alcohol! It's sad that he won't help her out now when she really needs it. In the end, he will reap what he has sown. As your daughter goes through treatment and as she gets older, she will appreciate all that you did for her. You stood by her when she needed you most.
- Re: daughter cutting jurplesman
17 y
4,702
RN Educational
This is a reply to # 927,691As a retired nutritional psychologist I look upon these kinds of problems of what is going NOW and not what might have happened in the past. I know it is fashionable to look upon mood disorders as the end result of past history. According to this assumption by unravelling the past, one expect suddenly the mood disorders to disappear. I am afraid it is not as simple as that. The reason I believe this is because most mood disorders - of whatever kind - are accompanied by a physiological illness that needs to be treated FIRST, before considering psychological factors. The proof of the pudding is that many mood disorders do respond to some medication, although medication can only mask the symptoms without curing the underlying biochemical imbalance that accounts for the disorder.
It is clear that in this case there is a genetic predisposition because it is reported that the father was a alcoholic. Thus a faulty gene might have been running in the family that could account for why people may inherit a mood disorder. Mind you, a faulty gene can be beaten and is not a sentence for a life-long "mental" illness.
Most people with a mood disorder are found to be hypoglycemic according to a medical test as described at our web site at:
The four hour medical Test for Hypoglycemia explained at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/testing_hypoglycemia.html
Another alternative paper-and-pencil test is the
The Nutrition-Behavior Inventory Questionnaire (NBI) at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/nutrition-behavior_inventory.html
Thus considering any mood disorder the first step is to look for physiological causes. Fortunately enough, most of these do respond to Nutritional therapy in contrast to drug therapy or even psychotherapy.
Please read:
“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Hypoglycemia”
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/PTStress.html
Depression is a Nutritional Disorder at:
http://www.hypoglycemia.asn.au/articles/depression_disorder.html
_______________________________________________
Jurriaan Plesman BA (Psych) Post Grad Dip Clin Nutr
Editor of
The Hypoglycemic Health Association of Australia.
Author of "Getting off the Hook"
Freely available at Google Book Search
- Re: daughter cutting jurplesman
17 y
4,702
RN Educational
- Re: daughter cutting BlueRose
17 y
4,678
- Re: daughter cutting #80968
17 y
4,755
- Rape, abuse, shame, (sexual abuse) #163366
17 y
5,022
RRR Educational
Share:
Translate This Page: