Dear 45829,

That sounds really hard, that she is living in another country!
Of course, it is hard too even if she is living next door, it can be just as hard to communicate with someone being hurt.

She sounds compassionate, sure, about seeing the good in this guy. He probably IS a good guy deep inside, with problems, but that doesn't mean that I or anyone has the power to transform anybody.

What helped me was people being really supportive about who I was, and how much they liked seeing me (their reaching out was nice; some abusive people are very careful to isolate their partner from family and friends). They gave me good examples of healthy friendships and caring without a lot of drama and control.

It's great that she obviously tells you things and confides in you!!!
Listening in a very open way seems like one good idea. Maybe even discuss in a truly non-judgmental way, "Tell me, what are the good things that you see in him? What are the enjoyable things about spending time with him?" If you are very genuinely interested and happy to learn about their relationship, she might find it easier to admit that in fact he doesn't have a lot of assets for her.
I wonder how she is doing the past few days???

Hang in there, keep talking if you want,
A

Hi
Breaking up is very hard to anyone in love, and even though we know that the person is not right, the loneliness takes a lot of will power.

And the mind plays us tricks like just recalling all the good moments.

So, for anyone there is a temptation of going back to the relationship.

It requires tallking about both sides of the relationship: the good moments and the bad ones to gain the strength to make the final decision of not going back.

It also requires support from friends and family. So listen to your daughter and ask her about the good things and later about the abuse, so she can realize what is the reality of hte realionship. Aks her about her feelings and emotions, sharing them can be helpful.

Tell her the one above all - relationship truth. It is that you cannot change anyone, they have to choose to change themselves. You cannot bring out all the best in someone else just by seeing it, they must make that decision to do it themselves.

Furthermore - whatever is in the relationship that is hard or difficult or not-quite-right is going to come out tenfold after marriage.

And lastly and most importantly: the best lesson I ever learned was from my Mother, she said: imagine every man you date as your husband and the father of your children and if you're not completely comfortable with that you should split. You never know what might happen if you stay.

Dear Mom,
I'm a 51 year old male and have not hit a person in 33 years because I learned to be afraid of my temper when I was 18. That's how men learn not to let temper control them, when they're a teenager. Temper is not some kind of strange, unknown genetic defect, it is an indication and sum total of impatience, irresponsibility and egotistical condescension (indifference and disrespect towards everything,self-centered, narcissistic). The temperamental and moody person will become, if not already, judgemental and controlling. Their childish ranting feeds their ego and warps their mind (no exaggeration, it's like a drug) and it is the beginning of a madman.

In my life, I've seen the two types of temper.

My father developed a bad temper because my mother had an affair and destroyed his happy home of 3 children. He survived WWII without shellshock, but this was heartbreak.
THAT is the temper of a good person (rare).


My sister hollered and cursed at my mother for life. Now my sister is manic depressive (Bipolar). I don't think it would be too much to speculate that her temper actually changed her brain chemistry (actually, it's not LIKE a drug, it is a drug). Of course, she is condescending, controlling, judgemental, and every other bad quality known to humanity, but I am currently scouring the internet in order to discover as much of identity theft as possible, which I would be foolish to think that she hasn't made a career out of (I used to think that only my whole family were victims of it). I would also be foolish to think that she never was seriously violent.


These are the two types of temper (no middle ground).

There is a good person temper that is essentially harmless, and a bad person temper that grows and becomes 'hell on earth'. He has brought his temper into the relationship out of disrespect for the relationship, not only out of disrespect for your daughter, the RELATIONSHIP. A bad person's temper requires them to be shallow, and to think and do things 'the stupid way'. The bad person's temper will grow and become a horror. Tell your daughter to run.