This incidence happened fifteen years ago and you must now move on. Perhaps you could talk to the person (if this person remembers at all, which is very doubtful) concerned and 'clear' your conscience. With your present attitude of guilt (which coming from an objective viewpoint is so totally unnecessary !) you will eventually self-destruct and ruin you future as well ! Stop being a VICTIM. Get over it, it's a non-event now :-))

Hi 23435:

I am so sorry to hear about your sexual abuse. You will never be judged for what you did to your cousin because you are confessing and facing up to it. If you tried to justify it or hide it you would feel worse. I think you should tell your counselor because this will relieve even more emotional pressure. I think you are completely confident that you would never hurt your nieces and nephews. You know who you are better than anybody. Twelve is a child and children are forgiven.

I hope you can work up the courage to unburden to your counselor. You will experience deep relief.

good luck to you and let go of your shame. There is a good book by John Bradshaw about the shame based life. I hope you find it and read it. I forget the exact name but Shame is in the title. Its not hard to find at all as it is a best seller.

sincerely,
mose

Hi 23435,
Carrying these feelings, and supressing the feelings and the incident will continually deplete your energy level, and interferes with many phases of your life. Actually, it cannot be supressed, since it is a function of the subconcious to record all information relative to your life. I know that you have had counseling as you have said. My suggestion to you is to find a Praticioner who can use EFT, that is Emotional Freedom Technique. It is a non invasive technique, and works fairly rapidly

There are other varietues if energy healing techniques. But, most have been derived from 2 basic techniques, TFT which is Thought Field Therapy, and EFT as mentioned. With EFT you can help remove the negative feelings about your abuse experiences in a relatively short timem and free yourself and without deeply re-experiencing them. You can start at whatever level, you choose. In fact, if the pratitioner is any good, you can work on a problem without naming it out loud, even though it is better to voice it out loud. By the I mean you can 'hum' it, say it with your lips closed, so the words cannot actually be decerned, until you gain the confidence internally, to actually speak up.

Yes, EFT sounds quite different, and it is quite different. It is a more gentle technique, and works rapidly.

If you have any questions, or desire more clarification or information, please contact me. I'm new to curezone, co I don't know if they would email me for direct contact via email or IM. I never asked.

Love in the Spirit,
HalF

I read your post and can tell you first hand that 'you are not a bad person'. First off you were 12 years old - you had already been abused - and I can tell you first hand that can be where the confusion comes from. An adult abuses you - and as kids we look up to adults, we trust them, so if they do something, anything, we tend to think that it's OK. It is NOT OK 'EVER" for an adult to touch and abuse a kid or anyone for any reason.

Kids also get curious about why boys are built differently from girls and vice versa. Curiosity is not abuse - the nightmares that you are suffering from will stop as you continue on in your journey to face your demons. I have to tell you that you are very brave for talking about this, to opening up. You don't have to know a single one of us on these boards, just saying it or writing it - lifts a huge weight off your shoulders.

If you get any nasty posts or comments, do yourself a huge favor and deltete them. The last thing that you want or need is to have to deal with anyone who wishes to judge you harshly. Those that do judge like that are often people who have yet to deal with their own issues, their own abuses, and come to these boards armed with anomisty and want to generate trouble for those already in deep pain.

I was severely abused as a child. I never knew it until many many years later. Imagine my horror, my anger when I learned at the age of 40 that I had been repeated incested from the age of three to the age of 15. It was such a painful time for me that I deeply repressed my memory. When it surfaced it was after my father had died. I didn't know what to do, I could not sleep or eat. I had to get my anger out someway - so I wrote. Plus I had kept journals over the years and reading them back I was amazed at how much sense these journals now made. I used to read them and could not understand what it was all about. None of it made any sense to me.

One thing I would like for you to do is go to your local book store and buy two books. The Courage to Heal, ( the reading material ) and The Courage To Heal work book. As you read and begin to write in the work book, don't stop and think about what you are writing. Don't write in it like you are looking for a good grade. You will be doing what is known as 'free writing' you never had to worry about spelling or grammer. As I began my journey with those books back in 1991 I was amazed yet appalled at times as what I was writing. The more I wrote - the more I began to realize that NONE of it was EVER my fault.

It is not a book that you will want to work on 24 hours a day. There will be days you might not want to enter one entry, but then there will be days when you can't stop.

Today,14 years later I have already completed three work books and when I go back when the need arises to read my entries again, it is clear at how strong I have become and what a good person I am.

I went back to college - my goal was to become a therapist. I have done work with abused children, woman both battered and abused. I have chaired meetings with groups to terrified to want to talk - I have openly stood before many to tell my story and after that, one by one people would stand and begin their stories - and trust me, the first time you do that - it is a red letter day for you - it is the first day of the rest of your life - it is the first day that you 'begin to heal'.

Today I can talk about my abuse with no problems. I have learned a great deal about my father and his life and while what he did was clearly wrong - I actually went on to forgive him - it is not by the way something that anyone must do in order to heal - but for me, it simply meant that if I was not able to forgive, then who would ever forgive me for my transgressions.

There are often courses at local community colleges that have Abuse classes - a place that is safe - a place where you can openly share and not be judged - that takes time to get there and it takes guts. I took that class because it was part of my Psychology and Criminal Justice classes which was manatory - yes at first I was afraid, but the more I got into the course, the more guest speakers we had , the more involved I became - and the reason was that I wanted to get past my abuse. I wanted to enter the land of the living.

So today, anything that I do, I credit to the hell I endured and my willingness to want to survive. When you are ready you tell me and I will send you the paper I wrote on child abuse - it dates back a few years. It was a monumental step for me - I have since used this speech to help others.

I commend you for your willingness to be open about this. I also must say to you again 'YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON'. As far as when your husband touches you - trust me, I have been in that same position - just know this - yes the abuse happened - but it is not happening now - your husband is your friend. He loves you - so next time he wants to touch you - go slow - lie there with him let him hold you - talk about your fears - your concerns - the love you have for this man, and eventually you and he will be able to make the complete connection. But the abuse is not happening at that time. The more you are open, the more you can vent, the faster you will get to the 'path of freedom from within'. God luck and God Bless.

Janet

You can email me at Janet731@yahoo.com if you'd like!! :-) Smile, you will get past this in ways you never thought possible! I did ...

Hello
I was listening to this audio program by Rick Jarow ( Link posted at the end of message ). In this he talked about a friend who married twice, but couldnt procreate, and he failed in many other fields in his life, too. Everything was fine medically. Rick asked him to meditate and see what images he got of himself when he was a child. This guy was either sexually abused or emotionally repressed ( I dont remember exactly ), but as a child he had an image of himself being a bee or fly and his dad squashing him with his feet. Rick interpreted it as a subconscious belief, where this guy was afraid of doing the same to his child. After he released that thought, things started changing for him. He now has 2 kids and a stable life.
( Its on first or second disc, this is an 8 CD program. )

I wont start about my abuse as I can easily write a book, one post wont be enough. For years & years & years I waited for someone to come rescue me, make me happy, soooooo happy that i never think of those horrible things again. But, it kept getting worse and worse until i came to this understanding, that its all within me, happiness and pain. I CHOOSE. I choose to be happy, I choose to cry and hurt about my past and I choose to move past it and enjoy the things that has been waiting for me.
Of course, it wasnt easy, took me 2 years, but now i feel like its a whole new life. There are things that still bother me, but i get over them quickly.
Its like this, you want to lose weight, who do you think can lose your weight for you ? No one ! Only you can do it. Same way the abuser is not there, the abuse is not there, its a thought now, and that thought been hurting you. You have to lose that thought ( oh i am confusing myself too, but i am trying my best to explain :) I am good at explaining verbally, keep losing my train of thoughts while typing grrrr ). Everytime it hurts, remind yourself I AM NOT HURTING, everytime it makes you cry, negate that feeling and say I AM NOT CRYING, I WONT CRY, I ONLY KNOW HOW TO LAUGH. So you object BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE LAUGHING. Then fake it !!! FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. The day you make it THAT BECOMES YOUR REALITY. I LAUGH becomes your reality.
And you laugh, louder and louder.

There are tons of books, but read RADICAL FORGIVENESS by Colin Tippings If you can.

http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/

Under downloads, read Jill's story. When I read this book, I had hurt enough by then and was WILLING to forgive. Colin explains so well, why these horrible things happen to us. Once we understand why, pain starts alleviating.

Here are some quotes that gave me strength...

~ Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. --Goethe

~ We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them. --Kahlil Gibran

~ Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men! Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for power equal to your tasks. --Phillips Brooks (1835-93)

~ One does not put out a forest fire by extinguishing the match that started it. --Lawrence LeShan

~
When I despair,
I remember that all
Throughout history
The way of
Truth and Love
Has won, always.

--Gandhi



Love, guploo

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1591791464/qid=108556...

~ I dont care how far down you get, your life can turn around in a heartbeat as long as you dont give up on yourself.

Please stop beating yourself up. You are sorry; you should make amends to the cousin -- who undoubtedly does remember -- so that you can open this festering wound, heal it, and move on. I am pretty sure you would not have done this had you not been abused yourself. In some strange way, victims tend to become abusers or to be victimized again unless something happens (therapy, 12-step group) to stop the cycle.

Don't beat yourself up any more. This only perpetuates your abuse.

God bless you,

Katherine

Dear One,

Here's a book recommendation for you.

The teaching is simple, yet deep and profound.

It's practice has changed my life. It is helping me take full responsibility in my life, let go of the past, forgive everyone for everything, and recreate things the way I want them to be.

The book is The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz.

Please don't judge yourself or anyone else in this matter.

There are no solutions or healing when blame is present.

The Four Agreements is a textbook on how to move to a new playing field, where negativity in any form doesn't exist.

Blessings on your path,

ThreeDeer

http://www.miguelruiz.com
http://www.abraham-hicks.com

I think you should stop beating yourself up. It sounded more like a curious 12 year old girl wanting to see what a boy looked like.I highly doubt you caused your cousin any harm, if he even remembers.
It's not like he was being forced to have sex, you were just looking at his privates, he was a boy and you were a girl and it's normal to be curious.
In my humble opinion you should stop feeling ashamed and guilty for being a curious 12 year old girl and forget about it.
God has forgotten about it a long time ago and you keep reminding Him.
Forget it, it was nothing, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have nothing to be guilty of, and nothing to be sorry for.
You were a normal 12 year old kid.
Now be happy and get on with your life :-)

hey i am 14 years old i am very smart and ive been sexualy abused ,ive cut, ive burnd and now my only problems is that i drink nd smoke.Well dats not my point my point is that wen i was younger i once said to my self (well if he hurted me somebody else needs to be in pain to and also to dis day i regreat even to trina touch my lil sister knowing she has mental problems and dat she realy dont knw wats going on in life.And even thou i dint touch her i feel really nasty with my self and to stop my self from touching her was that i went to the restroom stold a sigaret from my stepdad got my moms raiser and you knw wat next...BUt even thou im young i knw almost everything because its like i aint neva had a chance to be a kid..im not saying dont feel bad for wat you have done but dont bring your self down everyday..and my name is ARely but people call me c0c0 and you can send me emails on my yahoo its arelyacosta44@yahoo.com thank you for your time and hope you get better but cutting mam is not worth it because your going regreat wearing a nice shirt or some cute shorts and you have scars were ever trust me and ill have you in my prayers every night i go to sleep GOD has you in this world for a reason and he does not want you to give up dont listen or let negative comments bother you stay healty and have fun cus you aint even old bye bye....