M,

I like what you said about a "self reflective roto-rooter." That is exactly what the tunnel is. I don't like what was left in that tunnel but what is neat about it is that whatever was there didn't come back with me. I imagine on many levels the suicidee feels the weight of the darkness attaching itself to their body and death seems the only escape. I imagine people who have had NDE's probably do not feel that suicdees go to a permanent hell but rather they are escaping one. Death even seems a comfort but if we are alive then we should be trying shed hell from off of our body. I have not always been able to do this though. Sometimes, I might even put so much darkness back on that I can not even see light around me but I know what is on the other side... love... and I imagine a suicidee must feel this as well. I have a friend who committed suicide by alcohol over a 15 year period and waking up this Memorial Day morning, I felt she had(after two years)didn't feel as strong the need to make sure I am okay. I never felt any negative or fearful feelings from her presence but her spirit doesn't feel as detached from my spirit as it once was. I believe somehow, her loving intentions are slowly merging with my spirit. I am not saying she did not go to the light, but that she has been working out that roto-rooter process and trying to heal some of the damage she felt like she caused while she was being so self-destructive. She knows I have only loving thought for her, and this morning I want her to know that I have no unforgiveness in my heart for her. Time is a meaningless thing in heaven and while two years may seem a long time to some, it certainly is over in a moment for the person going though the tunnel.

Each day, I still allow unhealthy desires and thoughts to control some of my actions but those unhealthy desires are not my prime directive. As a young man, I spent a good portion of my "inent," wanting to be a military man and "saving the world for democracy" but the moment I came back and was able to form a thought, I thought of things from a different perspective. I thought, "I don't want to kill anyone," period. It was like growing up or something. I didn't have to play that role anymore. I was disgusted by the very thought of war. The Roto-Rooter experience also changed what I valued. Before my NDE, I valued flying(aircraft) above anything and returning to my body, while I still had fond memories of flying, I have never flown again. It just wasn't important enough to put any kind of darkness back on to acheive it. The new currency I was given was compassion. Or, it was always there but it just wasn't on the top of my list of my priorities. This new currency of compassion or loving-kindness was what was valuable in heaven as opposed to what was valuable to people around me. I am not saying I always live there but compared to those around me who have never experienced a NDE, it is easier to go back to loving-kindness & compassion then the person I was before. 20 years later, I am still not attached to any physical objects but rather I feel drawn to doing things for other people. I am not even attached to my life. If I die, I go to the light but suicide is not an option because suicide is still killing and if I do not want to kill others then I should not kill myself either. I have prayed a thousand prayers for God to take me home though. That longing for home can be very powerful. But if I am not attached to physical objects, the alternative that makes this world bearable is to be attached to other souls here on earth. It sometimes gets lonely here on earth though and as my relationships become weak, my attachment to a physical body is even less important. The way that I deal with these feelings though is to throw myself into the work of compassion.

Since my NDE, I have spent most of my life, helping people even when I couldn't help myself. It is when I have nothing to gain for myself that I am closest to God. Helping strangers who do not know me but doing it anyway, because it is the bigger thing to do, gives my life substance. If I were to give any advice to anyone considering suicide, I would tell them to help a stranger and if it feels good, keep on going, with a loving intent, change the world. That loving intent is what gets me high.

As you say, "intent" is is what is important and loving inent is the real currency of life and remains what makes it to the light. I imagine, no matter how misguided, the suicidee must intend to quit hurting those around them and themselves and as they withdraw into themselves, they no longer see their loving intentions manifest in their lives and they see death as the only outlet. They can not change those around them but anyone can change their intent in one second. Loving intent has never made me wealthy but it keeps me attached to this earth when nothing else will.

I hope some of this made sense but I guess on the this Memorial Day, I wanted to work this out for myself and hopefully comfort those who may be dealing with someone who has committed suicide or for those who have considered suicide it themselves. Forgiveness is where we need to be but short of forgiveness, remember the reason we are here is love and loving those that do not love us is where we need to be. Forgive everyone that has harmed us or others and then forgive yourself. If you are alive, you need to be loving and if you are full of unforgiveness, love can become twisted into something else. Give love.

Rudy