When i was 16, my father passed away from CHF, and when I was 30, my mother passed from CHF. 6 months after that, at 272 pounds and a pack of cigarettes a day, I found myself in the cardiac ward with a massive cardiac spasm so great that it had torn the tissue of my heart, and i was bleeding into both my bloodstream and pericardium.
Suffice to say, it was quite a wakeup call. I was lucky. I got out without any surgery, but over the week I spent in CCU, yeah, my whole life did pass befor my eyes, awake and asleep.
My recuperation took me into the depths of depression, and that lasted for about 2 years.
I was living in Toronto, Canada at the time, and one day I decided that I had had enough of myself.
What happened, I really can't explain the internal process, but it occured to me that nothing in my head really mattered at all!
What mattered was what I was "doing", not what I thought or felt!
And at the time I was doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and indulging in misery.
Since then, oh what a change! Quit smoking, lost weight, quit working for anyone other then myself, got myself ordained, got a dog and hit the road! Quit all indulgent relationships, and now I walk around "Doing Good"!
I do what I want to. I come and go as I please. I avoid all forms of stress in my life by making good decisions in my life.
And so... my message to all who want to know...
We are born into this world of opportunity. On this continent of NA we are blessed to have so much choice to live by. We are the lucky ones. Now, we get to choose. Live by decision, or live by condition. By decision, we take responsibility for our lives, and by condition, we blame others.
Truely, my only responsibility is to myself, for air, food and shelter. All the rest is choice and option.
My NDE took me back to the basics, not of living life, but of being alive! That is the first choice, to live or die. The rest is window dressing.
This awakening in me has brought me to my center. I am accepting of others and thier beliefs and opinions,whether i like them or not. I smile a lot. I have found that a lot of people are resistant to my way of thinking, and that I'm self centered, but who else should be in my center???!? That's alright. We're ok, you and me. Here, take my hand and let's walk quietly in this forest of choice, and see what understanding we can gain.
Thanks for being You.