I feel for you. That has to be the worst pain to ever experience. I pray that you will see them again one day.

Hi White tiger--

you asked "why Trapper"? had been mentioned here, and that particular bit of full moon fun that I was alluding to with the sense of ego-play going on, was not meant as any slight against you.(or anyone)

I also happen to be very fond of your name. I found the first posting really out there -- and the second one seemed to play off the first. And so on...

Never mind..it's all past now. Blame the craziness of moon for anything too weirdly cryptic, please.

I did not know that about the spinal tap! God, that really clarifies a lot for me. Thank you *so* much. The doctors all but held my son hostage and I felt forced into this. Then they took him from me, saying that I couldn't be there for the 'procedure'.
And I only remember that whatever fever had brought me to the ER had by now all but abated, and my son smiled at me, as they took him off. That hurts. When I asked them about "side effects" they told me they didn't know about such young ones, but that adults complained of headaches. !!!!

Later, my son was white and limp, and a nurse took me aside and told me she knew he hadn't exhibited the signs of what they were testing for--meningitis. I discoverd much later that I too, as baby, used to get these dangerous high fevers. So, I feel a lot of regret for my part in this--my son suffered for what seemed an eternity after that spinal tap. He seemed to have terrible headaches and pain. I finally went to a doctor and asked for a sleeping pill, just one, because I couldn't sleep for a week, he was that miserable.

He is, thankfully, alive and well. Thank you for your kind and patient post.

I'm sorry to have shared this with you--in the sense that I don't want to upset you, and bring bad memories-- and I am *so deeply sorry* to hear of your losses.

You have my prayers, for you and for them, and their mother, and for Great healing at all levels.

PS. there is a spiritual teacher whose teachings I greatly respect--he teaches that the heart *broken open* is the heart of devotion. If we suffer heartbreak, that can be somehow offered up, continually, as a kind of openness to All and a holiness. I hope that's not too cryptic.

God Bless