im so scared to sleep right now. right now i feel like if i let myself fall asleep i might never wake up!! i seriously feel like my body is trying to drift off into a coma or something... not that i know what that could feel like, but its terrible!! :/ is that possible???

the reason this is so strange for me is that normally, i have to completely fall asleep all on my own. every night i have to consciously force my eyes shut and make the 'conscious' decision to try and sleep. but right now my entire body is trying to shut down on its own and its not in a normal way!! i cant describe this any differently, but it has me freaking out and trying to force myself to stay awake. i cant remember the last time i was this scared..


the reason im so worried is because ive had really bad growing health problems for years (undiagnosed) and i had a recent really bad accident. i hurt myself bad from a fall and caused several new bone spur(?) like cyst(?) like growths around the impact area which i get whenever i wound myself really bad for the past few years. in addition, other cysts i have had for years (seemingly benign according to tests but..?) seem to be ALL enflamed lately (possibly growing? its scary!!!). i have been getting massive head aches too and all sorts of aches and pains around my body. the cysts almost seem to be growing but i cant be sure. im also too scared to go to the hospital for fear that they will sedate me or something and i wont wake up or find something horrible in me. something that i might be able to fix on my own if i can just get my body and immune sys back to normal or something without the horror and risk of hospitals and operations...but..... blahhhh i have so much double thinking and fear!

i did take several vicodin last night and i am wondering if that is related to this terrifying exhaustion and fear of coma im currently experiencing. they were also expired in 2010... but i dont know. ive taken them before and nothing like this. plus i took them about 6 hours ago.. theres also the fact i ate turkey yesterday (thanksgiving heh.) and i know all about tryptophan, even tho i cannot spell it right now. lol. but ive never felt like i was going to go into a coma before.

i also smoke marijuana daily.. but lately it has seemed to enhance my headaches almost so i switched to vaporizing only. vaporizing it still seems to really affect me a LOT more than it used to. which is also scaring me that something new has activated or is wrong inside me.

ive also been drinking alot of this noncaffinated green tea too and ive been adding honey and cinnamon and ginger and tumeric to it after reading about some of the inexpensive cancer treatments to incorporate. i almost never consume ginger but ive been consuming alot lately after reading it can possibly shrink growths.. without causing inflammation. could it be having a bad effect??

basically ive been doing tons of stuff to my body to try and help it heal, but im worried maybe ive overdone it and my body will kill me? gah i dont know if that makes any sense!! but i feel like it might! i dont know if i did something wrong to myself and i wont wake up or what!! maybe im overloading my body with good supplements and nutrients and its caused extreme inflammation of growths i have? could that happen?? gahh im so freaked out this is horrible. i wish i had instantaneous inflammation reducers that worked. aspirin does nothing! if anything it seems to make my headaches worse. could i have some kind of insanely fast growing brain tumors that might cause me to sleep right now and never wake up? god i have the WORST possibilities and thoughts right now in my head. it is awful.

well. i dont know what else i feel the need to put down. if these truly end up being my last words, thats so lame. lol. i wish i would have wrote about something meaningful or something inspirational instead of ranting desperate questions that probably no one really can know the answers to i guess.

i just feel like this might be the last moment of consciousness i have.. and i had to write.. something. i wish there was somewhere i could go that was safe to sleep.. and be monitored. i hate how there is nowhere like that. i wish there were emergency naturopathic like 24hr clinics or something. lol. yeah right. not in this world.

its just so screwed that hospitals are dangerous!! i mean its the only option people have. and they might kill you with their drugs and chemicals and even the various bacteria floating around in there... and eventually thats where we all end up. i wish there was somewhere i could just feel safe to sleep! and get help and be monitored. and... this is hell. i hope these arent my last thoughts.

my thoughts are all scattered... still feel so fatigued/strange tired. i hope i wake up tomorrow :(

will post a reply here upon waking.. and hopefully delete this rant. or not.. hopefully just. wake up. yes. sigh.

**freaked out**