Letting go destructive communication... 
#108495
13 y
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Is it fair to say I just no longer want to be a part of destructive communication, and just move on?
I had a weird interaction with a friend lately who I’ve known for about 6 years. Lately, I see her maybe every other month at most. Not really close but have shared a lot in the past.
So weeks ago, we had a lunch during a work day. We were just blabbing about stuff in our lives during lunch, nothing of great substance, and about 10 mins before she had to leave I realized she had had something big on her mind which she had wanted to talk about but never mentioned until the last moment. But she had to go and I invited her to talk later.
After I arrived back at work, she sent me an email accusing me of being an uncaring and thoughtless friend. There was more to it... nasty. I felt pretty broadsided and after a day or two I sent her an email at home saying I would be happy to talk in person, I cared about her very much, and I would prefer not to use work email for personal discussions (she lives close by… why not just give me a call? ).
I didn’t respond to any of the substance in the email for many reasons… I suppose in hindsight she was looking for “oh my dear let me hug and make you feel better” type of thing, but I just felt stung by her accusations.
So I heard nothing for weeks, and recently received a long voicemail from her, with even more accusations. The voicemail basically said that ‘only someone with a lot of agression and anger could act the way I did…’, so she “was calling to see what we could discuss and if she could find out what I was thinking and why I was acting in such an aggressive and uncaring way….. ” OWWWWW.
Taking a step back, I think I will call her and say something to the tune of: I care about her and talk briefly about the facts of the day, and see if we can move on from that.
Otherwise I feel she is going to try this awful destructive faux-psychologizing (her assuming my thoughts, feelings or motives), which I choose not to take part in. [ In my mind, this whole interaction is a “problem” that doesn’t even exist, except perhaps she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention on the day, and her attacking could be her way of trying to get it?]
Unfortunately, the detail of what was said in these attacks have been so hurtful and out-of-line that I want to distance from her. I can forgive but feel pretty wary after several attacks.
Constructive comments welcomed!
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- Re: Letting go destructive communica... BlueRose
13 y
2,588
This is a reply to # 1,865,155Is it fair to say I just no longer want to be a part of destructive communication, and just move on?
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Yes, it is fair. Why put yourself through all that?
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I think your analysis of the situation " I suppose in hindsight she was looking for “oh my dear let me hug and make you feel better” type of thing, but I just felt stung by her accusations." is spot on.
Yet without knowing just what it was that she wanted to discuss, it seems her reaction was very inappropriate --- even if the topic was something very dire.
Also, I'm guessing that the topic was something that she felt she needed to screw up the courage to blurt it out. If she only found the courage to say something when it was time for her to go, it would have been better if she has said something like "I didn't get to tell you what happened because it's hard for me to talk about. Can I call you or can we arrange to get together soon when we have more time?"
Before you both left, did you say something like "I'm sorry to hear that?" Or did you just leave it at "We'll talk later?" If it was the latter, then I'm guessing that she found your response to be cold. Perhaps that explains her over the top response in later days. Yet...you did offer to talk to her in person again.
If this is a really big, devastating thing she has to talk about, it could be clouding her judgement to the point that she is inappropriately lashing out at you. Sometimes our words and actions are read wrongly as I suspect that was what happened, thus her response.
So...at this point, you need to decide just how you want to proceed. You know her well enough to know the answer to this question --- has she reacted in a similar fashion in the past when such a situation arose, or is this out of character for her? Whatever the answer is, it will help you decide what to do. If it is the former, then it is clearly a pattern for her so I would suggest moving on. If it is the latter, you could chalk it up to the stress she is feeling. Perhaps when she calms down, she'll realize that she shouldn't have lashed out at you.
Your idea of calling her and letting her know you care and talk about the facts of that day, is a good idea. At that point, you're putting the ball in her court. If she responds abusively, then let it go and don't call her again.
I hope this helps. I've tried to give advice based on the facts you gave. Best wishes to you!
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- Re: Letting go destructive communica... #108495
13 y
2,627
This is a reply to # 1,865,507Thanks for your kind and thoughtful response. I get a bit freaked out around people who intensely "accuse first, ask questions later", and once upon a time had many family members with that style. I ended up distancing myself because it was so painful and awful being around them.
So, yes, these are good points for a calm response on my part. Yes, I could have been a bit more caring on the day... She has a huge issue with a family member (which she isn't dealing with), and since that issue came up again, she has been kind of crazy. I don't want to psychologize her stuff but she's made it pretty clear of late that she thinks this is how to resolve stuff: Attack! until you get the other person to somehow capitulate.
I think also part of this is that MY style has changed... I have grown out of so many old personal dramas, and while I want to be kind and considerate, I can't endlessly commisserate about a really destructive situation (her own situation with her family member). So it appears that the day that made her so angry was that she wanted me to demonstrate sympathy "on demand" for her family sitation, while I'd set a boundary months earlier by gently telling her I don't think we should discuss it any more, and offered some other constructive suggestions.
So, up on my plate: follow through, and a forgiving attitude.- Re: Letting go destructive communica... BlueRose
13 y
2,885
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This is a reply to # 1,865,637You're welcome.
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I get a bit freaked out around people who intensely "accuse first, ask questions later", and once upon a time had many family members with that style. ----- Oh, yes! I can relate to that --- my mother was that way.
Yes, you could try to follow through with a forgiving attitude. However, may I suggest another option?
From what you wrote, she has a pattern of responding the same way in similar situations. You point out---and rightfully so---that you no longer want to get sucked into her dramas, especially when you explained that you set a boundary with her in the past. It certainly appears that she is not respecting your boundaries. So---here is what I suggest---I suggest ending the friendship---not only for her behavior towards you but also because you have changed and grown while she remains the same. Also, it sounds like she is an emotional vampire. I've encountered such people in the past and know quite well that it wears on you.
Walking away from this friendship is not a cold or uncaring response. It's not expecting people to never have problems or go through rough spots. You definitely have shown that you are willing to be there for her when she needed you but you were also assertive enough to let her know your boundaries. Upset as she is, she has no right to viciously attack you and not respect your boundaries the way she did and still expect you to continue to be her friend.
That's my suggestion. Of course, it's up to you to do what you think is best for you and your own well being.
Best wishes to you!
- Re: Letting go destructive communica... BlueRose
13 y
2,885
- Re: Letting go destructive communica... #108495
13 y
2,627
- Re: Letting go destructive communica... randigfine
13 y
2,454
Clarkia Extra Strong
Clarkia Tincture 2 oz, 4 oz, 8 oz, and 16 oz
End Constipation Now
Let oxygen remove old, impacted fecal matter as it detoxifies and...
This is a reply to # 1,865,155It's really tough to be blindsided by a friend like that. I wonder if she was ever as good a friend to you as you were to her. Have you always been the one that has to smooth things over? She sounds like she has an abusive streak that gets worse when she doesn't get her way. If you feel like you should do something, than email her and keep it simple. You may need to take a break from her - she's obviously going through something that has nothing to do with you...and you don't need to be her doormat.
- Re: Letting go destructive communica... BlueRose
13 y
2,588
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