WHAT DO I DO? Kick her out?
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Sorry to be so blunt, but, yes, it's time to kick her out! She's 22---you are not obligated to support her now that she's an adult.

Give her a deadline (one, month, two months---whatever you decide) and tell her that if she hasn't at least found a job by then, she needs to leave. Stick to your guns.

After she gets a job, tell her that she can stay rent-free for two months while she saves up money for a down payment on her own apartment. Once she has the down payment saved up, you can even help her find a place.

She has some nerve expecting you to pay her way at this point in her life!

Is it easy to take the tough love approach? No, it's not but sometimes it has to be done.

I speak from experience. We sent our daughter off to college halfway across the country. During her second semester, she decided to party instead of going to class. We were unaware of this until we got a letter from the college telling us that she flunked all her courses. Still unaware of what actually happened, we gave her a chance to go to summer school. She refused. Long story short---we found out about the partying, confronted her and told her that since she refused to get her act together and go back to school, she was now on her own. She wasn't going to get one more cent from us. We let her know that she could keep the Cell Phone until the contract was up but after that, we were cutting it off. We kept our word---she didn't get any more money from us and the phone got cut off when the contract was up.

She put us through some more grief but eventually got her act together. She never did go back to school and she knows that at this point if she wants to continue her education, it will be on her own dime.

So...it's long past tough love for your daughter. You are doing her no favors by allowing her to sponge off you.

Good luck and get going!

Hi there-

After reading your story/dilemma, I just wanted to respond quickly... I totally can understand where your daughter is right now in her life, in her depression... because I've been there myself.

I am a 29 year old female, and my parents have been helping to support me off and on for years. I have long term, and at times severe and debilitating Depression and OCD. I've failed out of college (studying philosophy) 3 times, and have struggled to "make something of myself", or even hold a job or romantic relationship.

Things have been better for me in part to some actions on behalf of my parents. Some folks might recommend being hard on your daughter, giving her ultimatums, kicking her out. All of these options have the potential to be beneficial in the long run, but often tip the depressed person closer to that dark edge. The isolation of having her own place (paid for by you!) could be very unhealthy for her, and could put you into an even more frustrating and scary position of supporting her in her self-destruction. She apparently is interested in asserting her independence from you, but is terrified that actually doing so would cause her to lose many of her physical comforts, as well as ideas about herself and the world. That is good. In order for her to grow, parts of herself must die. I think symbolically, depressed people feel the need for great change in their lives, but have had that change thwarted by outside influences, as well as succumbing to their own fear of losing what they have. They grow sideways instead of up and out...

I don't know what to tell you, except that I have literally been where your daughter is now, and I have been on some incredible journeys. I've always pushed myself away from my parents, knowing at some level that I could never improve if they were to be my primary support network. Which has left me in some sticky, and unhealthy situations. But.. the number of people who've posted to remove your financial support from her aren't wrong. I was forced to choose when my parents weren't in my financial picture... to choose to work, to choose to go to school again, to choose to assume responsibility for myself and no longer be a helpless child. And it totally sucked at times. And it was really hard and sad and I've done lots of personal work, and gotten closer to finding out what I want and where I want my life to go... It was worth it. Each day was just one step in the process... so only looking back do I feel like I've actually achieved anything... :) I'm still routinely depressed, have isolation impulses, have severe mood swings, don't know quite what I want to "do with my life"...

Always there are the same lessons to be learned, just different people, times, circumstances. I wish you luck in finding your own truths. Ultimately, what you learn about yourself from your daughter might be exceedingly valuable..

As an herbalist, my suggestion health wise for her would be to try to convince her to do a parasite cleanse, and for her to spend lots of time outside. You are correct that the screens have a numbing and hypnotic sort of energy, and certain folks can become trapped by that energy. My life turned a huge corner when I did my first parasite cleanse. Also, by being outside regularly, and therefore being more present in my body, I wasn't so lost in the fantasy world of the movies, internet, TV etc. that is very unhealthy...

Also- Just stop buying the junk food. If you must buy snack food, buy the additive/preservative free kind, and then only buy small amounts. She won't starve. But unseat her comfortable resting place. Make it harder for her to fall into the behaviors that are destructive to her... And easier for her to choose healthy behaviors...
Sounds like you are doing your best, and that you are on the right path.. Keep trying...

GJ