Ranting about loved ones and MDs and... 
Growing Gratitude
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A place I have come to over the past three years since I have been struggling with gland hypofunction are my loved one's, role models (authors and channelers) and MDs skeptism: "try harder and you will feel fine." There are the people who with the best of intentions state that it is my responsibility I have this going on and all I need to do is think positive and voila! All better.
I have tried and tried from many angles using different methods to no avail. True I suffer from poor self esteem and bring out the worst in doctors. I do my best however useless that is. True I got stressed in the first place at the organic farm which traumatized me. I had no place to live, I had already couch surfed with friends, I was trying to build up my resume, I lacked access to resources to leave, years prior I tried breaking out of admin work to do workshop faciliation which was hindered by my lack of an MA, I was unable to pay my debts with no backup from family and was unable to get my transcript when I did think about going back to school all while working crappy jobs, living in crappy apartments spending what little money I had on overpriced food, having a heart attack every month worrying whether I got the rent....And somehow that is my fault?
I want to beat Abraham over the head with a two by four at this point. I believe in new age stuff, I have gone to 10 day 11 hour a day meditation sits about 10 times and volunteered at 10 more. I have done a lot of work, taken a LOT of responsibility for my actions etc, etc.! I guess I am doing something wrong. Suggesting more of what hasn't worked is charged for me.
At this point I am tired of this blaming/responsibility crap...While I believe it, I can't take it right now. It only serves to frustrate me because I have been unable to cure my body with mind power. For instance, if people told you to cure your cancer with your thoughts, would you have been overwhelmed? Well, I am and have been for three years. My doctors have the tests, ignored them, let paperwork fall by the way side delaying my access to the hydrocortisone which would aid my adrenals all dragging this out for years. And I feel blamed by them and people in my life when I am told to DO something about it when I really have.
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- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... SeattleTom
14 y
3,835
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This is a reply to # 1,662,542Hi - I can relate to a lot of what you're ranting about. When I was seeing a MD for my AF she told me I was depressed (duh!) and sent me to a psychiatrist. I told him how severe my fatigue was (I was missing two to three days a week at my job) and he told me I needed to do more and start an exercise program. I gave him more examples of how severe my fatigue was, and he told me I should start jogging (!) a few days a week. When I told him again about the severity of my fatigue, he kept telling me over and over that I should push myself to do a jogging program.
A couple of years later I had a roommate who was also into alternative things. I mentioned my AF and other health issues to her, and she said very glibly "all illness is caused by negative thinking" and changed the subject. I felt like I'd just been slapped in the face when I heard this.
Tom
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- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... Growing Gratitude
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This is a reply to # 1,662,600I did some research about interpersonal dynamics...bullies which I had encountered at the job where my adrenal crisis occured. Bullies are drawn to depleted people who may have low self esteem. So therein starts the vicious cycle. This is exacerbated by the facts that people around the victim and bully tend to actually support bullies even though they feel it is wrong....I wonder if that mentality plays some part in this thing.- Drama Triangle/Enneagram Basket of Sunshine
14 y
4,144
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This is a reply to # 1,662,636If you are into personal dynamics (understanding more did help me sort through personal issues more easily), you may find it interesting to google "Drama Triangle" which explains a lot (including how I end up in the same position over and over!). It is a Transactional Analysis thing, I think, but if you find some clear, non-technical writing about it, it is quite interesting. (Sorry, I don't have a handy link.)
Also, I have read a number of books on The Enneagram. There is also tons of info on it on the web. It is best taken in small bits and not for brain fog days (intricate and extensive), but overall it is has been a startlingly accurate way for me to understand what I am dealing with in other people, myself, and where the dynamics are coming from.
For instance, if of the nine Enneagram "types" you work with the most bully-like which is the "8," you begin to see where they come from, what their defenses/strengths/weaknesses are. It becomes easier not to focus on myself as their victim (very limbic/right-brained), but more observing and problem-solving (left brain). The knowledge gets me into how I am going to deal wth them which is outwardly focused, rather than the pain I feel from their behavior (very inward). .
So, fwiw, these are a few things that have helped me move through personal issues.
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- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... dreamextreme
14 y
3,865
This is a reply to # 1,662,636It's true that thoughts are the roots of all things. But that doesn't mean that the situation you are in now isn't a real, tangible thing. Your thoughts can help lead you into a new situation, but it's obviously not an instant fix. Life is a constant work in progress. I've felt how you are feeling. [hug]
Just curious, what (if you want to share) happened to you on the organic farm? I also worked on an organic farm for a short while and it wasn't the best experience for me either. I wouldn't call it traumatic but it was definitely not what I was hoping for.- Hell Working at Persephone Farm Growing Gratitude
14 y
3,801
This is a reply to # 1,664,938Hello dream extreme,
You asked what happened at the organic farm where I worked. Instead of working the 40 hours a week I was working 55 hours a week, ending up at $4 an hour for ongoing workplace torture. By the time things got bad, I was too exhausted and without resources to easily change jobs. I worked very hard 6 days a week which I am convinced was a ploy to keep us stuck there. We started out with 7 people (4 so called"apprentices" which was a loophole the farm attempted to invoke to get out of paying my hourly wage).
I was scapegoated in my attempt to ask for better working conditions and treatment. I was subjected to sexua| harrassment by Jeff and (skim over this if you are sensative) Eleanor took off her top and wore her pants low to show off her butt crack. When I asked her to wear her shirt after the second time, she and Jeff were visibly offended! This was a dysfunctional environment that traumatized me body, mind and spirit. When I filed for workers comp, SAIF thier insurance company made something up to deny my claim. I have also been dealing with glandular insufficiency due to the adrenal crisis that place subjected me to. The additional stress of trying to get an endocrinologist to recognize my test results as valid was one of the many things that added insult to injury...
- Hell Working at Persephone Farm Growing Gratitude
14 y
3,801
- Drama Triangle/Enneagram Basket of Sunshine
14 y
4,144
- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... Growing Gratitude
14 y
3,699
- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... vairagi
14 y
4,026
This is a reply to # 1,662,542Almost sounds archetypal, what you have done, what you understand, where you are, and what you are going thru.
You are suffering and you dont want too and youll do anything to alleviate that. It seems to me that you are on the right track. You are in some stage of breaking out and into more relevant understanding and freedom.
Perhaps the reason that the awareness feeling level of practice isnt actuating appropriately, thus helping you thru the crisis, is the lack of indepth and appropriate understanding as to the reality and actual unreality of pain and the illusion generation of societal responsibility, verbality, and thus suffering.
Dont you think theres an informative lesson here similar to how difficulty arises in your practice times, and u ignore or deal with it directly, unemotionaly, and eventually it goes away, to what is going on in your daily life now, that you are shareing about here?
Dont you think this is part of what you are going thru with, your personel relations, the Drs, your body imballance?
You may know of how virtually all advanced practictioners come down with mental or physical disease as they are transitioning thru the stages of expanding awareness. Each of our situations are so particular to us, so as to confound the conventional form we have become attracted and attached too, so that we can really learn the truth about misspercieved reality.
- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... zed12
14 y
3,835
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This is a reply to # 1,662,542I've been where you are! 2006, I was introduced to Abraham. I tried following it for a couple of years but soon got disillusioned with it. I got no results. In retrospect and through getting to know other more deeper therapeutic modalities, I found the reason was because I was carrying a lot of underlying programs that were dictating my life; like background programs running on a computer, so superficial good feelings did nothing. My intentions didn't work- it was like shining a torch into the sunlight.
Along my healing journey I've used the help of several healers and many books. Both conventional and alternative. All I can say from my own experience is that I am a different person than I was a few years back. I look back and I can't relate to that-Me, who was so fearful and anxious. I still have fear and anxiety but its so much less. So I guess what I am saying is, it does get better.
My current choice of healing modality is EFT (http://www.youtube.com/user/HealingMagic). I am healing my past and I think that will have a very positive effect on my outlook and wellbeing.
I feel that emotional / unresolved issues from the past and/ or childhood create a lot of dysfunction and can easily cause physical illness.
Peace...
- Re: Ranting about loved ones and MDs... SeattleTom
14 y
3,835
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